Explanation
by Lee Lady

There are many many differing aspects of this stuff we do: bondage, discipline, all sort of specialized kinds of play.
Most people tend to be primarily interested in some sort of physical play: whipping, various sorts of "torture," etc.
If you are going to do this sort of thing, go to some classes
or find someone to teach you. It is possible to do
some real damage to someone this way, and you definitely
don't want that. (If your boyfriend says that he wants
to be your toy, just remember: if you break your toy, then
you don't get to play with it any more.)

Since you talk about giving your boyfriend orders, I assume
(possibly wrongly) that your boyfriend is mostly attracted
to D/S --- Dominance and Submission. Here, the emphasis
is on the psychological part of play, although whipping
and bondage and other physical activities may be an important
part of it.

Most people who come to the D/S discussion group at the Citadel
are primarily oriented towards voluntary service: the submissive
simply serves the dominant in various ways, possibly taking
care of her clothes, doing housework and cooking, whatever.
There may not even be any punishment involved. I have to
admit that I've never seen the point of this, so I am
not a good person to ask for advice about it.

Of course everything we do is voluntary, since two people agree
on how their relationship or a particular "scene" is going
to work. (A relationship is for forever, more or less,
whereas a scene might be for an hour or a day or even
a week.)

But suppose we agree that you are going to force me to be
your slave. You will give me all sorts of orders and I
will have to obey you or I will get punished. Now psychologically,
this is an interesting and confusing situation. How can we
say that you are "forcing" me to do things, when in fact
the whole situation exists by our mutual agreement and
in fact maybe it was my idea in the first part?

Most submissives start out with the idea that the dominant
should be completely in control. In fact, this is exactly
what the submissive wants. Or at least that's what he thinks
he wants. But in fact, he wants a lot of more specific things.
He may want to be whipped fairly often, or he may want to
be forced to watch his girlfriend have sex with other men,
or.... There are so many different things that turn a
submissive on.

But if the submissive tells the dominant what he wants, doesn't
that mean that the submissive is becoming the one in control?
Isn't that "Topping from the Bottom," which most of us
consider a violation of the sacred rules which everyone
is supposed to always follow. (And where are all these rules
written down, anyway? It would be very useful to have a
written copy of them.)

The fact is that the submissive MUST tell the dominant what
he wants her to do. It is in fact his responsibility to
do so. Maybe he does this by telling her his fantasies.
("I order you from now on to tell me all your fantasies
about being my slave.")

There are things that are happening on two different
levels at once. What you and he are doing is PLAYING, even though
the play may be very serious and very real. You are entering
into a different world. For the submissive, this is what
most people call "subspace," and I in particular like to
call "slave space." It may be very real that I now have to
do the housework and other things for you and will get
punished if I don't behave. And yet on another level,
I am only your slave because you and I have agreed to
play this game.

Topping from the Bottom only happens when the submissive
starts directing things *during play.*

You and he may have a signed contract about all the things
he is required to do. (And what about you? Does the
contract say anything about what you do?)

Okay, fine. But this is still PLAY. The fact that something
is written and signed doesn't make it have real force.
Trying taking him to court to get him to obey your
contract --- they'll laugh at you.

Confusing things happen, such as the "slave" telling
the dominant: "You let me get away with too much. You
need to punish me more often."

How can this make sense for the so called "submissive" to
be telling the so called "dominant" what to do?

It makes sense because at such moments the so called "submissive"
has steppedout of Play Space into Reality Space, and in Reality
Space the two people are working out the rules of their game by
mutual agreement.

But often the fact is that what the submissive really wants
(or thinks he wants) is to be a slave on a 24/7 basis.
He wants to *never* be in Reality Space. He wants, or at
least he thinks he wants, to have no say so in how the
relationship works.

This idea is on still another level, the Fantasy Level.
It's a great fantasy, but the reality is different. You
and he are playing a fantasy game, and the submissive will
never get satisfaction unless he cooperates with you in
deciding how the game will be played.

And yet, even so, for you, being the Top (dominant) does
have its prerogatives. If you want to have him dressed
up as a little baby in diapers and he really hates that,
you may be able to get away with saying, "You're my slave.
You have to do things my way." Or maybe not. The fact
is that even though though he is supposedly your slave,
there will still be power struggles between you and you
will still have arguments.

If he says he insists that he wants to be your "real slave,"
have him buy you a gun, so you can give him orders at gunpoint.
Require that he hand over his paycheck every week, so that you
control all the money. If he doesn't behave the way
you like, no lunch money for the next week.

Hey, I'm joking. Don't buy a gun. What happens if you
order him to do something and he refuses? What are you going
to do, shoot him? Then you'd need to find a new boy friend.

I'm just saying that whether he likes to admit it or not,
what the two of you are doing is not reality. It's play.

But it will certainly change the reality of your relationship.
Hopefully in a good way.

--Lee Lady www2.hawaii.edu/~lady/