Mating Rituals

A Mistake Often Made

by Ben, N.C. Master


Each of us, Dom and sub alike, want that perfect match. We want to find that partner that is the yen for our yang. We develop a mental image of who this person is, what they look like, and how they match with us. Finding this exact match is a very difficult thing. It is a worthy journey, but not one that will be easy or quick. Sometimes the search takes a lot of time and patience.

The mistake many make is, we tire of the journey and find someone that is convenient. We recognize that they are not the perfect match, but we mistakenly think we can change them, mold them to our purpose. We deal with the conflicts, the continuing issues and think things will get better. Perhaps we think that we have too much invested and are reluctant to give up or maybe we think they need our help to get through a rough spot. Maybe we even enjoy the fact the we have our own Dom or sub when we attend events and are not the one alone.

The real questions should be, are you happy? Are you being fulfilled? Does the positive energy outweigh the negative energy? If the answer to these questions is not yes, perhaps you need to reevaluate. This thing that we do is supposed to be fun, it is supposed to be fulfilling. If it is not, then we are creating more stress and unhappiness. It doesn’t matter if you are Dom or sub, if you are not having your needs met then face it.. this ain’t working. Most of us are not trained psychologist that can help our partners work through personal issues…this is for professionals...do not try this at home.

The correct match should be someone that shares your core values, someone that would be a friend even if not your partner. As much as we would like it to be true, we cannot be doing scene play 24/7, our partner should be someone that we enjoy being with even in vanilla times. Do not hang on waiting for things to get better. If the horse is dead, get off and take the saddle. Don’t condemn yourself and your partner to a lifetime of bickering and stress.

Many of us have our own personal issues. It is better to work on getting ourselves healthy before we begin to struggle with the issues of others. Do we have our own lives in order? Can you offer to a partner a whole, healthy person? Are you looking to “rescue” someone or have someone rescue you? If so, don’t count on it working. The journey may be long and difficult, but finding that right partner is truly worth it.

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Ben is a Leather Lifestyle Dominant married to his slave/wife, and been active in the lifestyle for over 20 years. They are very active in the local and regional BDSM community, host several groups in their home, and do demos and presentations throughout the southeast on BDSM and M/s D/s Relationships. He is a former Board Member of Capex.