Saturday, January 22, 2011

Bullshit on the rise

Are you a PA-LAY-AH?

Thousands of people crowd the internet hourly seeking love, sex, commitment, empty hours to fill, and promises they never intend to keep. Most of them are so clueless they have no idea that there are real people who live real lives and really, truly DO have BDSM adult lives in real time, with real rules and real issues.

How do you know?

When one bullshit artist meets another, both of them live in the assumed world of the make-believe fantasies, often pushing each other to heightened levels of entertainment, neither one literally thinking of actually FULFILLING any of their bogus on line commitments.

Real people- the adults that HAVE decided to live in kink land, play for real, and have total lives that include social interactions with other kinky people, do not use the internet in quite the same way.
We use the internet to enhance our relationships, FIND real time partners, and connect for honest, real, serious sexual interactions.
We aren't kidding, we aren't fooling- and we don't want to fool with YOU.

So- you want to tell the difference do you?

There are some telling differences between real BDSM people on line and those folks who are either BRAND new to seeking their kink or are long term on line bullshit artists. Both rely on what they read in some cheap fiction novel, and both are easily misled. It takes a bit of time and energy to separate the new wheat from the old chaff.

Often, newbies of either variety will want to 'jump right in'. They will advertise for slaves and masters, and make identities on line using those respected titles as part of their name. Nothing says liar/con artist faster than "Master Lord of My Domain- but you may call me MASTER" as an opening greeting. Nothing flags a newbie on line quicker than someone hungry for contact and willing to start a power exchange relationship based on nothing more than making contact with someone else who claims to be their 'other half'.

Real kink people are serious, and looking for relationships of substance, be they one night stand booty calls or lifetime commitments, poly family additions or just dinner dates, the people who are serious, have some experience, and are real all have one thing in common- they don't believe in the bullshit that 90% of posters on line lay claim to.

The slaves, bottoms, subs, and property types on line know they are both easy bait for toppish types of all persuasions, and they know that their best way to find happiness is to search on the internet. They are not, however, dumb.
Tops that start conversations with 'on your knees slave!' or "Call me Master" often will be given the derisive snort that is due those kinds of comments. The men and women, tops and bottoms of the real scene, be they home players or public dungeon regulars, are not on line to get their jollies with nothing more than banter, chat and come ons without meaning (and if they are, there is a whole separate essay on that forthcoming). The real players of kink are looking for real, honest people to share intimate moments with. Yes, those moments MIGHT involve chocolate sauce and a great dane, but they are real moments none the less.

Does your on line correspondent have a vague way of talking?
Real people that play in kink land have toys and know how to use them, have done things and know the techniques, and have knowledge and experiences that are their basis for conversation. Asking someone what kind of rope they like and hearing "oh, I love them all!" is a short flag. Asking someone what kind of hides they like for floggers and hearing "Oh, I make all my own and use everything" is a bigger one, and hearing "It doesn't matter- you will bend before my lash" is the red flag of death.
Real people in the scene, be they in San Francisco or Manitoba, have probably gone to a real time class taught by one of the hundreds of kink folks across the USA. They have interacted with the whip makers who sell at conventions, giggled with the slaves who pose for the costume shots on line, and sat in rapt attention at the feet of the book writers from both non-fiction and fiction.

Does your new potential partner seem unaware of the people of BDSM? Many of the kink folks on line not only read, travel, and write to each other, but a small portion are *friends* and know each other at least in passing. Years of going to the same conventions, reading each other on line before the huge influx of computer users, training from the same small pool of 'old guard' kinksters has created a great deal of social interactions. Writers know writers, teachers of kink are on Facebook, small town slaves own huge sites on the internet, and everyone seems to have been on a yahoo group together.
Players also exist in real time, and more than one con artist has arrived in a town claiming to be a serious well known player with ties to another community only to find his or her story unravelling as the locals pick up the phone and call their friends across the country to verify the newbies claims to prestige and power. On line, it's 10 times more prevalent but just as easy for a member of a kink community to check out some wanna-bees claims of social power and sexual prowess.

Is this person making claims that seem unreal? Often times, a faker on line won't understand the REALITY of WIITWD (What it is that we do, a post modern acronym for being kinky). For every serious person who really truly wants to become the sexual creature they have fantasized, there must be 200 on line that deeply, truly believe that none of this is real.
They see the posts and think everyone is making this up as they go along.
They read the bio's and assume that everyone is as bored and fake as they are.
They see the pictures and think it's either Hollywood fiction or photoshopped (and some of it IS!) and dismiss our real life encounters as fictional imaginations rather than tCheck Spellinghe documentations of kink being lived.
If the person you are speaking to makes lots of wild claims of having done things and been places, can they back that up with real pictures, contacts who were with them, people that helped with the scene, etc? Probably not. If the person claims to have pierced 300 people last year and their name isn't Fakir (one of the most well known body modification specialists in the world and founder of the urban aboriginals movement), you probably have a poseur. If they claim to have learned from someone, they will have references, a place, a workshop (often advertised on the internet) and those things can be checked.

Are they full of reasons why they *can't*?
Can't meet you this month? Probably married and cheating.
Can't travel to an event? Possibly not wanting to really do this.
Can't hook up for coffee until they know you better? Don't let it drag on too long.

The can't people are all too often the 'never can and never will' people, living their lives as best they can vicariously on line, enjoying their world and making the best of their lives.
That's great, that's fine and that's what happens for most of the people in the world with commitments and lives and people they cannot leave.
The question for YOU however is, do you want them to take up your precious time?
We are given just one life, one chance and a finite number of months and years to be the sexually charged adults we want to be. Do you want to be on line seeking a real interaction with another adult who is capable of being your real partner, or do you want to spend your time on line with a person who will always be just another play-ah?

You choose.


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