The Dilemma

Tradition vs. Change

by Ben, N.C.Master

As a community we are often faced with the dilemma of honoring traditions and implementing change. It is a circumstance that evokes much debate. Our lifestyle is deeply based in many traditions and these traditions have guided our journey for many years. Before the time of the internet our lifestyle was very much in the shadows of society. Meetings of individuals as well as groups were secretive and difficult to arrange or even know about due primarily to fear of persecution of various types. Society did not condone nor accept our way of living.

Because of this secretive process of meeting others, one had to “earn their way in” by various means. Some of the methods used to identify each other and the particular things each enjoyed; dress codes and behavioral activities were developed, or more likely, evolved to facilitate this recognition. These dress codes and behaviors became known and accepted over time and traditions were born. These traditions born of both necessity and preference became established and continued with honor and protocols. They worked well for the purpose that gave rise to them.

With the arrival of the internet, communications, connections, hook-ups and information were far easier to find. Suddenly, people that were never aware of this lifestyle recognized a need within themselves that reached out for what was found here. Private meetings of individuals, finding groups of like minded people and even online retail outlets for “toys” became easily found. Now we have a large influx of new people engaging in the activities of this lifestyle without having been through the trials and tribulations of the past.

Traditions come from things that are or were needed and held important and worthy of being continued. Traditions are a link to our past and the efforts of those before us to blaze the trail of our journey. We honor the traditions to hold on to that link to the past because our history is important to us. Tradition gives us an anchor on which we can remain grounded.

However, those that came to this lifestyle by a much easier path do not have the history and the struggle to tie them so tightly to our traditions. Their journey, although paved by the struggles and works of those before, has been relatively easy. The dress code and the leather may be more of a fashion statement to them rather than an earned tradition. The troublesome part for some of us that experienced the struggles is that this new generation may not care about the tradition. They are happy to just enjoy the fruits of the struggle.

Herein lies the dilemma, if those that hold to tradition shun the new generation because of their lack of appreciation, this new generation may just turn away and start their own version of this lifestyle, why do they need us to do what they do? If this occurs, the generation that honors the old traditions will fade away over time and all could be lost.

I do not hold the ultimate answer to the dilemma. However, I do think that as times change, we need to find a way to blend the honored traditions with the new circumstance. We need to educate the new generation as to the struggles of the past and the meaning of the traditions but perhaps we also need to be open to adopting some change in how things are celebrated and accepted. The traditions of old evolved from necessity. Maybe the new necessity is calling to us to recognize evolution is not quite finished.

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Ben is a Leather Lifestyle Dominant married to his slave/wife, and been active in the lifestyle for over 20 years. They are very active in the local and regional BDSM community, host several groups in their home, and do demos and presentations throughout the southeast on BDSM and M/s D/s Relationships. He is a former Board Member of Capex.

Lend a Helping Hand

Leather Tradition: Mentoring
by Ben, N.C.Master


Lately I have been reading and discussing much about Leather Traditions. One tradition I would like to see used more frequently is mentoring. My journey into this lifestyle was before the internet and the early days of the internet. I look back and recognize that I was very fortunate to have had many mentors along the way. I recognized that I wanted to learn things and the best way to do that is to learn from those that are successful at the things I wanted to learn. I was a student and they were the teachers.

I also learned early on that dominants are not the only ones that can be mentors. I found some submissives that were very knowledgeable and willing to share their knowledge. I realized that if I were to understand the mindset of the submissive I needed to learn things from their perspective. It is also important to understand that the gender of the dominant or submissive has no bearing on what you can learn from them. I find it amusing at times when I hear novice dominants talking about they have their own way and do not need others to teach them how to be a good dominant and I learned that when a dominant is seeking knowledge from a submissive, it works best when the dominant takes on the mantle of learning and leaves the dominant cover on the side for the time.

From My understanding of the Leather Traditions, mentoring was very much the path traveled. Novice dominants and submissives would seek out experienced people and petition them to become a mentor. The relationship between the mentor and the mentee can be in many forms. It can be short term for simple things like learning a specific skill (using a flogger, formal tea service, Boot Blacking, etc.) For the more complex things, mentoring usually takes longer. It is not uncommon for a good mentoring relationship to last for years.

When we try to live this lifestyle daily, we often face issues that are new or difficult to get a good perspective within our own experience. The outside eye of the mentor can often suggest ways and means to successfully deal with these new issues. That is not to say that the mentor can always give you a canned solution, but may offer ways to work toward a solution.

Dominants really need to learn that submissives can be very good mentors as well. My understanding of the Old Guard, is that Senior slaves out ranked junior dominants in the over all hierarchy. Submissives should never be considered as inferior in knowledge or experience just because they are submissive. For a novice dominant to think He/She knows it all just because they are dominant is a serious mistake.

Submissives also need to seek out mentors from both other submissives and dominants. Spending time with other submissives can and should be a learning experience. You can learn attitudes, understanding, skills, and philosophies. From other dominants you can learn perspectives, attitudes, skills and understanding. Knowledge is the end goal of learning..

I would highly recommend that we all seek out mentors, whether for a short term skill set of for longer term lifestyle issues. I also suggest that those with the knowledge and skills be open to becoming a mentor. Helping a novice grow and mature within the lifestyle is necessary for the traditions to be continued. It also helps to keep ourselves active and learning. Remember the mantra… Each One Teach One.
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Ben is a Leather Lifestyle Dominant married to his slave/wife, and been active in the lifestyle for over 20 years. They are very active in the local and regional BDSM community, host several groups in their home, and do demos and presentations throughout the southeast on BDSM and M/s D/s Relationships. He is a former Board Member of Capex.

Mating Rituals

A Mistake Often Made

by Ben, N.C. Master


Each of us, Dom and sub alike, want that perfect match. We want to find that partner that is the yen for our yang. We develop a mental image of who this person is, what they look like, and how they match with us. Finding this exact match is a very difficult thing. It is a worthy journey, but not one that will be easy or quick. Sometimes the search takes a lot of time and patience.

The mistake many make is, we tire of the journey and find someone that is convenient. We recognize that they are not the perfect match, but we mistakenly think we can change them, mold them to our purpose. We deal with the conflicts, the continuing issues and think things will get better. Perhaps we think that we have too much invested and are reluctant to give up or maybe we think they need our help to get through a rough spot. Maybe we even enjoy the fact the we have our own Dom or sub when we attend events and are not the one alone.

The real questions should be, are you happy? Are you being fulfilled? Does the positive energy outweigh the negative energy? If the answer to these questions is not yes, perhaps you need to reevaluate. This thing that we do is supposed to be fun, it is supposed to be fulfilling. If it is not, then we are creating more stress and unhappiness. It doesn’t matter if you are Dom or sub, if you are not having your needs met then face it.. this ain’t working. Most of us are not trained psychologist that can help our partners work through personal issues…this is for professionals...do not try this at home.

The correct match should be someone that shares your core values, someone that would be a friend even if not your partner. As much as we would like it to be true, we cannot be doing scene play 24/7, our partner should be someone that we enjoy being with even in vanilla times. Do not hang on waiting for things to get better. If the horse is dead, get off and take the saddle. Don’t condemn yourself and your partner to a lifetime of bickering and stress.

Many of us have our own personal issues. It is better to work on getting ourselves healthy before we begin to struggle with the issues of others. Do we have our own lives in order? Can you offer to a partner a whole, healthy person? Are you looking to “rescue” someone or have someone rescue you? If so, don’t count on it working. The journey may be long and difficult, but finding that right partner is truly worth it.

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Ben is a Leather Lifestyle Dominant married to his slave/wife, and been active in the lifestyle for over 20 years. They are very active in the local and regional BDSM community, host several groups in their home, and do demos and presentations throughout the southeast on BDSM and M/s D/s Relationships. He is a former Board Member of Capex.