Keynote Speech for the NCSF 2006

UNITY

Chuck Renslow’s Keynote Speech at the NCSF Annual Coalition Partner Meeting
September 8th, 2006




Good Evening Brothers and Sisters in kink. I am honored and pleased to stand here before you as your 2006 keynote speaker. It is an honor to have been selected to address this assembly. Let’s face it, there are a lot of kinky people out there, and surely you could have asked someone else, but you selected me, and that is an honor. It goes without saying; I am very, very pleased to be here. I am also pleased because YOU (NCSF Coalition) are here … an organization is only as strong as it’s membership. Without the strong support of its members, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom would fail. With your strong support AND your refusal to quit, we can only succeed.

We’re in Chicago, Illinois, the heartland of the Midwest (the conservative Midwest) and we’re here in Chicago at the Leather Archives & Museum … the ONLY physical institution in the BD/SM world. Where else would be more appropriate for this gathering? The very existence of the Leather Archives & Museum stands as a testament to the determination and commitment of the fetish community. Founded in 1990 - in my basement - today the Leather Archives and Museum is a non-profit profit, tax exempt, 503c corporation. Our continually growing collection now contains over 10 thousand books, over one thousand pieces of original kink art and many oral histories of exceptional kink people. Today, the Leather Archives and Museum owns this building out right. No mortgage, no debt. The Leather Archives and Museum is a success.

There are many reasons for our success, not the least of which is that strong membership base I spoke of … and a strong, diverse and committed board of directors. I think one of the prime reasons we’ve become established and accepted ... one of the main reasons that the Leather Archives and Museum IS a success, is that we are inclusive. From its inception, the Leather Archives and Museum has been committed to documenting and preserving the entire history of the BD/SM Leather community as a whole, and to include materials relative to ALL of the leather communities regardless of gender, orientation or time period. We strive for UNITY.

Unity comes from Harmony. It is the strength and support of all institutions. Without unity, resources are wasted, efforts thwarted and action duplicated. WITH unity comes added energy, increased resources and doubled – not duplicated – efforts. It doesn’t seem possible that today – six years into the new millennium – we’d still be stressing the need for unity, but that’s the topic of my speech.

Unity, we need it. We won’t succeed without it, and we’d better build it now, because tomorrow may be too late. Unity is necessary for success and, ladies and gentlemen, it does NOT exist in the Fetish communities. Not really… not yet. Oh, to be sure, there are a few organizations, like the Leather Archives and Museum, International Mr. and Ms. Leathers, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and Leather Sins, who encourage and include a diverse membership, but these organizations are few and far between. For the most part, the BD/SM Leather Fetish people of the world stay firmly entrenched in their own little communities. They remain oblivious to each other, often almost oblivious to themselves.

Historically, one’s appetite for kink, kinky behavior, fetishes and desires were held close to the belt. We didn’t advertise our fantasies, we hid them… they were private. Even our privates were private. So now that’s changed… well, not really, not for the vast majority of kinky people. But for many of us, that’s changed. We’re no longer afraid, no longer hidden. When the sexual revolution of the 60’s kicked open the closet door, it couldn’t help but reveal all of the things we’d been hiding in there. Turns out there were a lot of homosexuals out there… lots of swingers too… and there were a whole lot of people doing things that scared the hell out of Mr. and Mrs. Average American. Kink isn’t new. The Museum has archives of evidence and implements of the fetish lifestyle that date back to the turn of the last century. We’d like to have an exhibit evidencing the fetishes of Victorian Europe or Ancient Rome. History tells us they exist.

Despite popular myth, it really isn’t easy to spot a homosexual or swinger as they pretty much blend in with everyone else… but a man… much more, a woman in leather? Lets face it, kink stands out. It makes an easy target and, because it is seen as a fringe element within a fringe element, it is often the easiest to attack. Local prosecutors and small time politicians find it easy to hi-jack headlines and produce publicity by prosecuting --- BY PERSECUTING ---those deemed least likely to fight back. Because we are outside the mainstream, who is going to come to our defense?

Just a minute ago I said that kink wasn’t new. Well, persecuting kink isn’t new either. With the rise of the right wing here in America and similar factions across the Atlantic, the persecution rose to a new level. Conservative State and Federal officials began to legislate “Family Values”. The thing is, they used THEIR definition of the terms “Family” and “Values”. Things came to a boil in the 1990’s, with a series of high profile prosecutions that included a new and frightening twist. Despite the gains in civil rights and privacy, despite the decriminalization of consensual sex, despite the efforts of gay lib, women’s lib and all the other libs… the State was still prosecuting S&M only now they were saying that consent was not a defense, and… as un-believable as this is… they were winning.

In 1990 sixteen men were arrested in England after a lengthy and expensive investigation into the BD/SM underground. Despite the fact that every one of them were adults – consenting adults – they were convicted of assault. Although the case would eventually reach the equivalent of our Supreme Court… their ruling upheld the convictions and declared that consent was not a defense to assault and that S&M constituted assault. Oh, but that was in England… not here. Europe might as well be the moon.
In 1996 Oliver Jovanovic was arrested in New York for assault and kidnapping. Despite the fact that his girlfriend testified to her consent, he was convicted because consent is not a defense. How ridiculous! How ridiculous that six years after it happened in England it was happening here and we still weren’t paying attention.

Fortunately, in 1997 the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom was founded in the United States and began to spearhead the political, legal and social efforts on behalf of safe, sane and consensual sex. To date, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has done a lot… so I don’t want to sound like I’m saying that we’re not successful --- still --- clearly, we haven’t succeeded, not yet.
In order to succeed… in order for ALL of our alternative sexual organizations to succeed … we need UNITY. As I’ve already stated, I don’t think it exists… not yet… not really. What do I mean by that?
Go out and take a poll. Go out and poll all the different kinky people you can find. Talk to the bondage people, the S and M group, in all its categories. Go ask the swingers and the swappers and just every kinky person you can find and the vast majority – the OVERWHELMINGLY vast majority will not know who Oliver Jovanovic is. They will not know what the Spanner Trust is. They will not know what the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is, what we do or why we are necessary. That tells us we have not yet succeeded.

Let’s consider the rest of the polling results. Some of the people DO know who Jovanovic and Spanner are. They probably also know who or what the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is. These people are the socially and politically active members of the BD/SM Fetish Communities… they are the movers and shakers, our leaders. These are the people who support our individual fetish organizations... the ones who attend our conventions and events… these are the kinky people in the know. Look at their responses to your questions and my money says the Gay people recognized the Spanner Trust and the Straight people heard of Jovanovic. There is very little unity between ANY factions of the Straight and Gay communities and it’s not just the Straights and Gays… there’s very little unity between men and women, especially when it comes to sex and alternative sex.

Now, in the LBGT community, it has always been the leather men and women, the Fetish community that was the most organized. We’ve been at the forefront of the HIV/AIDS efforts; we’ve been at the forefront of the fights for civil rights and the right to privacy. When I was talking about the movers and shakers of the Fetish community, those who are active and educated… I was talking about you… right here in this room. YOU ARE the people we need to reach and YOU / WE ARE the people who are going to bring unity to the table. We represent the partner organizations that, for the most part, are promoting unity. Now it’s time to work harder. You need to go back to your partner organizations and you need to let everybody know that kink transcends sexuality; kink transcends sex, race and nationality. You need to encourage your partner organizations to reach across the boundaries. Gay clubs… reach out to the straight clubs. Plan a group event, a joint party. Exchange speakers and educational programs… Make sure those other groups know about the existence of the Leather Archives & Museum… their museum. Make sure that their organizations become members of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and don’t stop at the straight kinky groups. Men’s groups need to approach women’s groups. One fetish has to reach out to the next. YOU… each of you… MUST WORK TO UNIFY.

Do not stop with kinky people. The truth is that ALL of our issues are Gay issues. ALL of our issues are Straight issues… they’re the same issues that face the Blacks, the Asians and Male and Female communities. Freedom is Freedom and the rights of consenting adults are the rights of all consenting adults. We’ve been fighting for the rights of consenting adults to consent… Our victories are their victories.
Remember that old saying about the Nazi’s? “When they came for the homosexuals I didn’t stand up because I wasn’t a homosexual… and when they came for the trade unionists I didn’t stand up because I wasn’t a trade unionist ... and finally, when they came for me there wasn’t anyone left to stand up and fight.” Well, I want you to stand up right now!
I’m serious – stand up… everybody just stand up.
[Everyone stood up]

Now look around the room… look around. THIS is what Unity looks like. THIS is what you have to make it look like back at home. You need to go back and mix colors and genders… you need to mix sexuality and different forms of kink … each of your organizations can reach out to another. The Fetish community needs to UNIFY and YOU are the only people who can see to it that it happens.

Let’s double the number of coalition partners…. Let’s double the size of this assembly by next year. You CAN do it. You CAN go back home and make sure that your organizations do it. You CAN cause unification. Thank you for the privilege of expounding my views. YOU ARE MY SPECIES. Again, thank you.

Side notes:
Chuck Renslow is a respected elder in our community. Read more about him at:
http://www.leatherarchives.org/contact/renslow.htm
http://www.infopt.demon.co.uk/renslow.htm
http://www.glhalloffame.org/index.pl?todo=view_item&item=11


© Copyright 2004 LADs. All rights reserved.

Real And True and Their Misplacement in BDSM by Screamer

Real And True and Their Misplacement in BDSM

by Screamer


Here's something that bothers me.

Real.
True.

Yes. It's Screamer. Stirring the pot again. Imagine.

There's no such thing as a real submissive or a true dominant. See, the great thing about kink is that we get to do anything we want and call it what we want and not have to worry about other people thinking we're sick and twisted. (We already *know* we're sick and twisted or, at the very least, irregular.)

Living with your dominant? Wearing a collar all the time? Got a crop behind your car seat and cuffs in the glove box? I find those things very cool. But they don't make you anymore real or true than the guy down the street who only does this on weekends when his kids are at Grandma's and he and his wife can play in the bedroom without being bothered. Participating in public play, going to parties and seminars - these things are wonderful for education, enjoyment and community building. But belonging to, and participating in such doesn't make you any more "true" than the schoolteacher down the street who can't participate publicly for fear of alienating her family or her students.

She's real. He's true. They're both as into this as you and I are. They're just quiet about it.


Words like "real" and "true" do more harm in a lifestyle like ours than good. When you start bandying about words like that, it alienates people. Makes them worry too much about living up to someone's perceived notion of what really *is* real and true. It elevates, in some eyes, people to heights of knowledge and wisdom that they may or may NOT be worthy of. And it makes others feel as if they'll never measure up to what they think they should be.

While I agree that there should be some basic definitions (submissive, dominant, top, bottom), they must be pretty loose and free because I don't want to be put in anyone else's box. I want to draw my own box. That's part of the great thing about being kinky. If I wanted clear, concise, perfect definitions, I'd still be Catholic - I'd still be married with a mortgage, 2.5 kids and a dog in the backyard. (Not that you can't be kinky and have that - many, many do. But they aren't living by the definitions of their vanilla thinking. They're making their own rules. Ain't that cool?)

I get decidedly tight when someone starts saying "Well, he's a true Master because his submissive is on a leash" (and yes, you do hear that.) or "She's a true slave because she wears her collar all the time and never says no to her Sir." I frankly find those things wonderful and fun and romantic. But I don't think you can draw distinctions like that. Hell, the goth kids wear collars all the time. Someone want to tell a 16 year old goth kid to "Kneel, bitch?"

Things do not make you real. Words do not make you a true anything (except a wordsmith). What makes you - you - is YOU. Your actions, your deeds, your life. You aren't real and true to anyone but yourself, and you know what? I like it that way.
Someone asked me this weekend where my collar was - and since they didn't see one - I must not be a collared submissive - or, I wasn't a submissive (Was I in Top mode this weekend? Did I want to cane someone? ). Anyone want to explain to these folks that this dogtag dangling between my breasts - out of view - close to my heart - is more of a collar than the leather one I used to wear to parties? Anyone want to explain that you don't have to play publicly to be "real"?

I think those of us who are more communicative about our lifestyle are often seen as more "real" because we put it all out there for the world to see. I've been involved in the public scene for over six years. But that doesn't mean I'm anymore a true submissive than the teacher. It just means I have a big mouth and carry a long cane bag. It means that I like to share ideas and I like to discuss things. And that's all it really means.

Which brings me to my other botherment.

Misguided hero worship.

I spent a lot of time this weekend observing some of the most prominent authors of the D/s community. Having met them all at one time or another, I can most assuredly say that, with one exception, they don't want to be 'worshipped' by the D/s community. (And if they do, I don't want to know them.) They wrote books. They shared knowledge. Doesn't mean they *have* anymore knowledge than "Mr. Bedroom" from above. Just means they can string words together and don't mind sharing their experience and knowledge with the public. They take time from their schedules with family and jobs to lecture and teach. They enjoy doing so. I think that's cool. I think it's wonderful that they give of themselves. Anyone who teaches anything is a treasure in my book. But I know from personal experience - and the email I've gotten from my essays over the years - that writing it down doesn't mean the writer knows more than anyone else. Again. In my own case, I just have a really big mouth and a talent for stringing words together.

Hey, we all get naked the same way, folks. Some of us just do it with a royalty check in hand.

I think more than anything else, I just want to see people having a good time. I want to enjoy watching you enjoying yourself. I want to watch you smile when you hold that shiny new paddle and I want to hear you laugh when those new cuffs tickle your feet. And even more than that, I want to know that the schoolteacher and the plumber are having their own fun in their own way. And that they don't think themselves better than I - worse than I - or more real or true than I.

That we all *are*. That's all.

originally published at The Screamer Girl
http://www.thescreamergirl.com/
copyright © 2000 by Screamer. all rights reserved
published with permission
screamer_girl@hotmail.com

A new series on line has some GREAT insights and explanations about kink.

These are some amazingly simple stories of people just like us, explaining in simple honest terms WIITWD. Foxy, the taxidermist and pony trainer is exceptionally eloquent for vanilla people who are ignorant of what we love to do.

"America Unzipped"
By Brian Alexander
MSNBC contributor

All dressed up — in latex and dog collars



For fetishists, it's as much about the costumes as the sex
Attendees of a big fetish convention strike a pose.


TAMPA, Fla. — While it’s not every night you find yourself stepping off a bus behind a 6-foot man dressed as Little Bo Peep, that’s not why I’m staring at him. This bus is full of people going to a party at a club here called The Chambers, after spending the day at the Hyatt Regency for "FetishCon," an annual convention that is part trade show, part classroom, part nighttime scene for fetish aficionados and the merely curious.In a little while, some of the several hundred people in attendance will be chained to large steel Xs and flogged with leather cat-o-nine tails. Men will crawl on all fours and lick the feet of the women who brought them. One topless woman, her skin painted with a mural by a professional artist named Pashur, will dance for hours in a pair of giant boots that make her 7 feet tall.So compared with this phalanx of PVC, leather and latex, Bo Peep looks practically normal. No, I’m staring because I’m pretty sure I interviewed this guy the day before on the trade show floor. On my tape of our conversation he talks about being an occasional transvestite, how it helps him land girlfriends, and a little about the whole fetish philosophy. (Some words on my recording are tough to hear because somebody in the background is cracking a bullwhip.)
But I can’t be positive this is the same guy because — no kidding — he looks a lot like Little Bo Peep. He’s wearing makeup, a blonde wig, a bonnet, a blue skirt with petticoats, the whole Bo Peep she-bang, including the shepherd’s staff.Yesterday, sitting on a couch inside the hotel, he looked all the world like what he said he was, a middle-aged, upper middle-class IT manager for a major international charity. He wore a pair of Bermuda shorts and a polo shirt, his hair cut sensibly short like one of those guys from the 1960s glory days of IBM. He told me he was a Republican. After spending three days and nights with bondage enthusiasts, submissives and dominants, a man mummified in duct tape, a huge pink bunny (who refused to speak to me because he was a bunny, and bunnies don’t talk), people dressed as ponies complete with actual tack, and a 49-year-old North Carolina housewife turned Superhero fetish icon named Super Becca, I have learned to check my preconceptions at the door.A mental illness?
No one is sure just how many Americans are into fetish; there aren't any good surveys. The publisher of one fetish magazine says he figures about 7 percent of us could be called fetishists, but he's guessing. Everyone here, however, thinks it's growing, and if you believe the business people manning the booths selling everything from stainless steel slave collars to medical-grade speculums, it is.


But there are no hard-and-fast rules about what a fetish is. Is bondage a fetish or a practice? How about wearing whole-body rubber suits? Being spanked with a leather paddle? Nobody seems able to define it so everything tends to get lumped into it.Supposed authorities aren't much help. For example, the World Health Organization and psychiatry’s DSM-IV manual classify “fetishism” as a mental illness. The WHO says it is a “reliance on some non-living object as a stimulus for sexual arousal and sexual gratification.” The fetish object might “simply serve to enhance sexual excitement achieved in ordinary ways (e.g. having a partner wear a particular garment).” In other words, every woman who ever imagined her man in a pair of buttless chaps, every man who thinks baby-doll nighties are the greatest invention since the centerfold, could be a fetishist.“Occasionally somebody will find out what we do,” says Melissa, a 33-year-old engineer for a civilian defense contractor in Florida who is newly married to Bob, 34, a corporate controller. (She tells me this as she holds a leash attached to a collar around Bob’s neck. Bob is wearing a leather hood that covers his head.) When somebody does find out, Melissa continues, “often they have done some form of it, too. Maybe not to the extent we do, but they say, ‘Oh yeah, we do handcuffs.’ Lots of people have tried it.”While fetish can come to seem like any sexual practice that makes the “vanilla” world — the slightly derogatory name that fetishists use for anybody who's not into fetishism — uncomfortable and while there may be no such thing as a typical fetishist, a few commonalities have emerged over the past few days as I wandered the convention, attended the classes and went to parties.To see and be seen.

Please use the link at the top (title) to read this entire article and view more in the series, or go to:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14061667/
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13834042/
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14061673/
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14061438/

The Candy Store

Everything I Needed to Learn About a Dungeon,

• I Learned at the Candy Store.
  
  
  
  
  By Jerome “Treasure” Bambrick
  
  
  
  
  I remember, as a child, the first time I walked into a candy store. I had just come from the doctors office and had gotten some rather painful shots. As a reward for being so good my mother told me we would get to visit the candy store. While I can no longer remember the pain in my bottom from the shots, I definitely remember the first time I went to see the Candy Man.
  
  I ran from the car door all the way up to the store window and smooshed my face against it looking in. I started jumping up and down yelling for my mother to catch up, but for some reason, I realized I was also a little afraid. My heart was in my throat since I was so close to those delicious little treats I had dreamed of, yet all my life I had been told that those treats were bad for me.
  
  I had always been told that if you eat candy your teeth will rot or you'll get sick to your stomach. I was never to accept candy from strangers and I was punished if I was caught eating candy before a meal. At Halloween we used to have to check the candy for razors and see if any were tampered with. Even with the stigma that had been engrained in me that candy was bad I would still sneak some before dinner whenever I could. I always felt guilty about it later, but I couldn’t help myself. Mainly I always felt guilty because I couldn't share it with anyone, I had to keep it a secret or risk getting caught and in trouble.
  
  Finally, after what felt like an eternity, my mother caught up with me at the window and came and kneeled down to my level (she did this when she was serious) and took both of my hands in hers, looked me right in the eye and said “Remember that you can look, but don't touch unless I say so. Do you understand? You have to have permission before you touch anything. It is safe to eat the candy in here, but you still need to be careful young man.” I nodded my head half heartedly as I kept straining to go inside.
  
  When that door finally opened my senses were overloaded from all the sweet smells and what seemed to be piles and piles of incredible delights. Every warning my mother had just given me was completely forgotten as I ran from display case to display case. The man behind the counter was smiling at me and asked if there was something I wanted to try. I nodded my head up and down furiously.
  
  “Ok, what would you like?” He asked. That's when I realized that I had no clue exactly what I really wanted; I just wanted to try it all. But I couldn't decide, I didn't know what was good and what was bad, it all looked so good to me.
  
  Then I heard my mother's voice saying “Why don't you try the clusterbars, you always seem to be asking me to get you those?” I nodded and the man behind the counter gladly gave me a taste and my world seemed to explode. It was wonderful and all I wanted was to try more and more and keep the taste and sensations coming. I was in heaven and this was my cloud nine.
  
  The wonders just kept coming and the man behind the counter just kept smiling and gladly handed me more of those tasty concoctions. I found that I liked some more than others and some I just spit out, but each time I did my mother would just look at me and say “Well how would you have known you didn’t like it unless you tried it?” I will also never forget when I tried one and quickly spit it out and said “Iiiicckkkk, that’s just nasty. Anyone who likes that isiiccckkyyy?” My mother spun me by the shoulders to face her and then she kneeled down (so I knew I was in trouble) and said “Don’t you ever judge the likes and dislikes of others. Who are you to judge someone else?”
  
  While I didn't understand her completely back then, I knew I had done wrong and just said “I'm sorry Mommy, I didn't mean it.” She patted my head and said “OK, and then handed me another candy in a wrapper to try.
  
  The odd thing I found was that I couldn't always tell what was behind the wrapper. I had always assumed that if the wrapper was black it was liquorish, dark was chocolate, golden was caramel and white was…well that one always baffled me. But they weren't, they just kept changing and ever time I assumed I found I was usually wrong. I realized that I had to ask questions before I just put something in my mouth. Instead of just grabbing for the sweet I was asking “What is it? What's in it”? If it was something I had never tried I realized that I was being more cautious, but each time my mother would remind me “How do you know if you don’t try it?”
  
  I remember that when we were ready to leave, with a bag of my favorite joy and my belly full, I realized that I was feeling… guilty again. I couldn't understand it, I was in heaven and I was feeling that something wasn't right. I realized that I normally had to sneak my candy and not tell anyone. Now that I had such an incredible experience, the first thing I want to do was tell everyone about it. I wanted everyone to share in my joy and happiness. But I also knew that if I told everyone, they would want to share my candy and I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. But I knew I would tell my best friend Michael, he was someone I knew I could trust.
  
  As we were leaving I will never forget how the Candy Man waved Good-bye and said “Come back tomorrow and I will have something new for you to try.”
  
  For some reason I always remember this when I think about my first time coming into the community. I found so many things remain true today as they did when I was 8 years old. The Candy man has changed, but he still has something new for me to try every time. He also reminds me that:
  
  
• Its OK to be nervous when you are new, its normal
  
• Keep an open mind to trying new things
  
• Don’t touch others or their things without permission
  
• Learning and being cautious is a good thing
  
• Don’t judge others for something you don't like.
  
• Don't assume.
  
• You will have feelings about what you do, sometimes elations, sometimes guilt. Just know that it's normal.
  
• It's OK to say I'm sorry if you do something wrong.
  
• Mentors can help you when you are not sure.
  
  

Jerome is a long time California scene member best known for the largest collection of floggers this side of heaven, and the skills to use them. Co-Founder of smOdyssey and The Dungeon Monitors Association, he is currently a leading advocate for the NCSF. He teaches and lectures nationwide on BDSM issues.

Copyright 2006 J.Bambrick. TreasureDOm@aol.com

In the Beginning

Newcomers sitting in the dark, lurking, trying to read and decipher all there is floating out in cyberspace regarding BDSM.
Posting hesitantly, not wanting to offend anyone with their "newbie" questions, desperate to figure out who is right, who is correct and who is, well, just plain full of shit. And many of us have started out this way. i did.

What follows is a trip to the bookstore looking for titles that range from mild to malevolent - "The Loving Dominant, Different Loving, Come Hither, The Story of O, Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns and SM101". While the clerk looks at you quizzically with just a slight smile touching the corners of her mouth, rings up the damage, bags your new literature and sends you on your way out into the real world of BDSM. Or so you hope.

And when you have gone your whole life, knowing that there is something "different" about yourself, to finally find a place where the things that you have fantasized about for so long are not only accepted but in comparison are tame, it is as if you have finally come home.

Home. With people who have an understanding of the desires that drive you. A place where you are accepted, where you can speak openly of all the things that you kept locked away for fear of further ridicule or out of shame for not being what society calls normal.

After months of reading on and offline, after hours spent reading posts and websites, each loudly proclaiming that they are the only "real" keepers of the knowledge of all things kinky, perverted and twisted, the picture is no clearer than when you first began. In fact, your new found knowledge only seems to cloud the issues, making the water more murky. You quickly learn that there are players lurking on every corner, website, group or dungeon waiting to snap up unsuspecting BDSM virgins as they first venture out to test the waters. You quickly learn that many have ulterior motives wanting only to add to their stable of willing partners or supporters. Consumed by a tsunami of desire to belong to Thee One, that one true Master who can bring you to your knees, who's whispers of evil things thrill you, the search for Thee One begins.

If you have had no Southern upbringing, then you spend time learning to say, "Yes, Sir, and No Ma'am" without conscious thought. You learn to defer, you learn to submit, your manners are impecable and polished. In the midst of this comes that first online contact, and the game begins in ernest.

A new vocabulary suddenly emerges with words like dominant, domme, sub, slave, top, bottom, pro domme, pleasure slave, service slave, foot slave, body slave, toilet slave, Gorean slaves, free men and free women, floggers, canes, whips and chains. Sub space, dom space, dungeon space. Play is no longer just for children. A trip to the Home Depot now takes much longer than it used to. Suddenly on every aisle there are new implements of toruture, news ways to use eyebolts and power tools. It is all so overwhelming. It's like spending your whole life blind and suddenly waking up and seeing everything for the first time. And everything is suddenly fresh, vibrant and ready to be experienced.

When that first contact comes, you quiver with excitment and possibilities. Is this Thee One? Reality settles in. And you discover that most online are living a fantasy. This isn't what you want. You crave it, wanting to live it 24/7. Sometimes you settle, chalking it up as a learning experience. Sometimes it is easier to play along and feel special even if it is a lie. You learn the language and its nuances. It feels good to be commanded, to see the words jumping off a monitor and although it is hard to type kneeling on the floor, you do it anyway. With each new disappointment, you grow wiser, smarter and more suspicious. Until you start to question. It seems as if the search will go on forever when all you want is to kneel at the feet of Thee One - now! And at the last possible moment of permanent disappoinment, He appears out of the mist riding a sturdy stallion, armor gleaming in the sunlight as angels sing, doves fly overhead and rainbows appear. You are entranced, intrigued and hooked.

He appears to have all the right qualities. He is commanding. He starts to take over every so slowly and subtlely. Snatching little pieces of your soul as you expose yourself. The dance of domination and submission slowly winds its way through all the seductuve twists and turns, at once teasing and frightening you, thrilling and tormenting you in a single breath. You find yourself sharing the most intimate details of your life (with the exception of your social security number, your birthdate, your mother's maiden name and the city you were born in). You find yourself expressing your emotions through emoticons and acronyms. You love your collar - the one you bought because you were told to. You just simply gush in online chat rooms with other subs about your wonderful Master.

Until one day when you find yourself carrying on about your Master - his wisdom, his charm, his good looks and you go back and re-read your last post and wonder who the hell that it is that wrote it...... In horror, you read, "Oh no, my Master would never let me do that or this. i never question him. Master is so all knowing that i don't even need to think for myself any more because he can do it for me. A master so wise in the ways of the world that he won't allow me to have a thought of my own. Oh Great and Wise One, You have but to speak Your wish and i, Your lowly albeit smart assed slave will jump to do Your bidding with haste and winged feet. i treasure the trash You have finally found me worthy to remove from Your great hall. It pleases me that You have bestowed the honor and responsibility upon me to keep Your furs and royal robes clean. i can only pray to the gods that You will not find me lacking when i shovel snow out of the mote surrounding Your mighty castle. Thank You Master. "

And not only do you not live in a castle but you don't even live in his castle. There are no furs, no robes and no royal garbs. There is no kingdom. You've seen the deli scene in "When Harry Met Sally" and can imitate it to perfection because you've done it over a phone or on a computer screen too many times to keep track of. In fact, you moan and writhe in undescribable passion while doing your nails, paying bills, cleaning out the catbox and scrubbing the toilet. You have to keep from yawning sometimes because boredom is a wonderful sleeping pill. And you feel jilted, left behind or that eveyone else knows the joke but won't share the punchline.........

Reality has a way of slapping you up side the head in a manner that makes Linda Blair look like an childish amateur. What you have is fantasy. In reality, Master is a middle aged computer programmer, stuck in a suffocating cubicle farm with other computer prairie dogs, with a wife and four kids - two in college, and a mortgage bigger than your annual salary. He isn't married but his wife is. Goes to church on Sunday and is known to wear his socks to bed. And when you do begin to question the myth that he has woven around you, you hear those famous last words right before you are "released", "If you were a real sub, you wouldn't question me." And with your growing collection of dog collars starting to make your home look like an animal shelter, you get wiser with each new collar.

My treasure


My treasure is a regular contributor to A True Rose, be sure to visit her gallery there to read more of her works at :
http://www.atruerose.com/n/html/index.php

Great things often hide right in front of us, and finding great information on the web is never easy.

Rose, of A True Rose, and Raven have a wonderful real time chat about the myths of BDSM that is transcripted at:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lvh
Check it out!

Some great Thoughts about Judging and Contests

by Jim Drew


Someone recently asked why all the judges for Big Leather Contest were all titleholder themselves, why there weren't community activists or other leaders who didn't happen to have titles on the judging panel. The implication being two-fold: that there were valuable people not being asked to judge, and by having only titleholders as judges, they were perpetuating a narrow view of what a titleholder should be.

While some of us roll our eyes at a judging panel filled with just big name titleholders, or with the same people who judged several other prominent contests, every now and then we see just "Joe Smith" on a judging panel. And what is our reaction then? "Who the heck is that?" Or "Why are they having him judge the contest instead of that big name titleholder who is in the contest audienc?"

Let's be frank: celebrity judges and contest staff are a draw for some people. It may be the only chance they have to see Mr. Big Name Leather in their area. (And who knows, maybe they can pick him up if the stars are right!) Celebrities aren't the only reason people attend a contest, but if producers didn't believe they were a draw, they wouldn't invite them, pay for their travel, and advertise their presence.

Celebrity judges and contest staff also serve to draw from their own niches and posses: if your tallymistress is a former titleholder from another state, odds are good a couple others from her area will come as well, and her friends from the local are will attend to be able to spend some time around her. (Okay, being around the tallymistress at a contest isn't a great example, I admit.)

I've dealt with contests where all the judges were previous winners of the title. State-level ones where one of the judges was a local bartender. National-level ones where I could only find one bit of online info about one of the judges. Contests where more than half the judges were on the board of the producing organization (that's one way to get a titleholder that the organization wants!). And I've been around titleholders who tell everyone how offended they are about not having been asked to judge. I'm sure every titleholder has similar stories.

When I have had to and will have to select a judging panel, I try to balance: someone not local (to get a perspective from someone who may not know any of the contestants or the local politics), someone female (for a male contest), someone not a titleholder (for the "everyman" perspective), someone not heavily associated with leather (bears, Court, local organization, etc.), and so on. I know that I tend to read between the lines of any judging panel announcement, so I prefer to have judging panels where there's nothing much to read into.

-- Jim Drew
Seattle Leather Daddy 2004
International Mr. Saliva 2006
Mama's Rubber Cowboy

The Magical Hanky Code

The Hanky Code


(Read in order of :
COLOR
WORN ON LEFT
WORN ON RIGHT)

BLACK
heavy SM top
heavy SM bottom

GREY
bondage top
fit to be tied!

BLUE, Light
wants head
cocksucker

BLUE, Robin's Egg
69er
anything but 69ing

BLUE, Medium
cop
copsucker

BLUE, Navy
fucker (top)
fuckee (bottom)

BLUE, Airforce
pilot/flight attendant
likes flyboys

BLUE, Light w/WHITE Stripe
sailor
lookin' for salty seamen

BLUE, Teal
cock & ball torturer
cock & ball torturee

RED
fist fucker
fist fuckee

MAROON
cuts
bleeds

RED, Dark
2-handed fister
2-handed fistee

PINK, Light
dildo fucker
dildo fuckee

PINK, Dark
tit torturer
tit torturee

MAUVE
into navel worshippers
has a navel fetish

MAGENTA
suck my pits
armpit freak

PURPLE
piercer
piercee

LAVENDER
likes drag queens
drag queen

YELLOW
pisser/WS
piss freak

YELLOW, Pale
spits
drool crazy

MUSTARD
hung 8"+
wants 8"+

GOLD
two looking for one
one looking for two

ORANGE
anything anytime
nothing now (just cruising)

APRICOT
two tons o' fun
chubby chaser

CORAL
suck my toes
shrimper (sucks toes)

RUST
a cowboy
a cowboy's horse

FUSCHIA
spanker
spankee

GREEN, Kelly
hustler (for rent)
john (looking to buy)

GREEN, Hunter
daddy
orphan boy looking for daddy

OLIVE DRAB
military top
military bottom

GREEN, Lime
dines off tricks (food)
dinner plate (will buy dinner)

BEIGE
rimmer
rimmee

BROWN
scat top
scat bottom

BROWN LACE
uncut
likes uncut

BROWN SATIN
cut
likes cut

CHARCOAL
latex fetish top
latex fetish bottom

GREY FLANNEL
owns a suit
likes men in suits

WHITE
beat my meat (J/O)
I'll do us both (J/O)

HOLSTEIN
milker
milkee

CREAM
cums in condoms
sucks cum out of condoms

BLACK w/WHITE Check
safe sex top
safe sex bottom

RED w/WHITE Stripe
shaver
shavee

RED w/BLACK Stripe
furry bear
likes bears

WHITE LACE
likes white bottoms
likes white tops

BLACK w/WHITE Stripe
likes black bottoms
likes black tops

BROWN w/WHITE Stripe
likes latino bottoms
likes latino tops

YELLOW w/WHITE Stripe
likes asian bottoms
likes asian tops

BLUE, Light w/WHITE Dots
likes white suckers
likes to suck whites

BLUE, Light w/BLACK Dots
likes black suckers
likes to suck blacks

BLUE, Light w/BROWN Dots
likes latino suckers
likes to suck latinos

BLUE, Light w/YELLOW Dots
likes asian suckers
likes to suck asians

RED/WHITE GINGHAM
park sex top
park sex bottom

BROWN CORDUROY
headmaster
student

PAISLEY
wears boxer shorts
likes boxer shorts

FUR
bestialist top
bestialist bottom

GOLD LAME
likes muscleboy bottoms
likes muscleboy tops

SILVER LAME
starfucker
celebrity

BLACK VELVET
has/takes videos
will perform for the camera

WHITE VELVET
voyeur (likes to watch)
will put on a show

LEOPARD
has tattoos
likes tattoos

TAN
smokes cigars
likes cigars

TEDDY BEAR
cuddler
cuddlee

KEWPIE DOLL
chicken (under-aged)
chicken hawk (likes young adolescents)

DIRTY JOCKSTRAP
wears a dirty jock
sucks dirty jocks clean

DOILY
tearoom top (pours)
tearoom bottom (drinks)

MOSQUITO NETTING
outdoor sex top
outdoor sex bottom

ZIPLOC BAG
has drugs
looking for drugs

COCKTAIL NAPKIN
bartender
bar groupie

KLEENEX
stinks
sniffs

KEYS IN FRONT
has a car
looking for a ride

KEYS IN BACK
has a home
needs a place to stay

HOUNDSTOOTH
likes to nibble
willing to be bitten

UNION JACK
skinhead top
skinhead bottom

CALICO
new in town
tourists welcome

TERRYCLOTH
bathhouse top
bathhouse bottom

WHITE w/MULTICOLOR Dots
hosting an orgy
looking for an orgy

Explanation
by Lee Lady

There are many many differing aspects of this stuff we do: bondage, discipline, all sort of specialized kinds of play.
Most people tend to be primarily interested in some sort of physical play: whipping, various sorts of "torture," etc.
If you are going to do this sort of thing, go to some classes
or find someone to teach you. It is possible to do
some real damage to someone this way, and you definitely
don't want that. (If your boyfriend says that he wants
to be your toy, just remember: if you break your toy, then
you don't get to play with it any more.)

Since you talk about giving your boyfriend orders, I assume
(possibly wrongly) that your boyfriend is mostly attracted
to D/S --- Dominance and Submission. Here, the emphasis
is on the psychological part of play, although whipping
and bondage and other physical activities may be an important
part of it.

Most people who come to the D/S discussion group at the Citadel
are primarily oriented towards voluntary service: the submissive
simply serves the dominant in various ways, possibly taking
care of her clothes, doing housework and cooking, whatever.
There may not even be any punishment involved. I have to
admit that I've never seen the point of this, so I am
not a good person to ask for advice about it.

Of course everything we do is voluntary, since two people agree
on how their relationship or a particular "scene" is going
to work. (A relationship is for forever, more or less,
whereas a scene might be for an hour or a day or even
a week.)

But suppose we agree that you are going to force me to be
your slave. You will give me all sorts of orders and I
will have to obey you or I will get punished. Now psychologically,
this is an interesting and confusing situation. How can we
say that you are "forcing" me to do things, when in fact
the whole situation exists by our mutual agreement and
in fact maybe it was my idea in the first part?

Most submissives start out with the idea that the dominant
should be completely in control. In fact, this is exactly
what the submissive wants. Or at least that's what he thinks
he wants. But in fact, he wants a lot of more specific things.
He may want to be whipped fairly often, or he may want to
be forced to watch his girlfriend have sex with other men,
or.... There are so many different things that turn a
submissive on.

But if the submissive tells the dominant what he wants, doesn't
that mean that the submissive is becoming the one in control?
Isn't that "Topping from the Bottom," which most of us
consider a violation of the sacred rules which everyone
is supposed to always follow. (And where are all these rules
written down, anyway? It would be very useful to have a
written copy of them.)

The fact is that the submissive MUST tell the dominant what
he wants her to do. It is in fact his responsibility to
do so. Maybe he does this by telling her his fantasies.
("I order you from now on to tell me all your fantasies
about being my slave.")

There are things that are happening on two different
levels at once. What you and he are doing is PLAYING, even though
the play may be very serious and very real. You are entering
into a different world. For the submissive, this is what
most people call "subspace," and I in particular like to
call "slave space." It may be very real that I now have to
do the housework and other things for you and will get
punished if I don't behave. And yet on another level,
I am only your slave because you and I have agreed to
play this game.

Topping from the Bottom only happens when the submissive
starts directing things *during play.*

You and he may have a signed contract about all the things
he is required to do. (And what about you? Does the
contract say anything about what you do?)

Okay, fine. But this is still PLAY. The fact that something
is written and signed doesn't make it have real force.
Trying taking him to court to get him to obey your
contract --- they'll laugh at you.

Confusing things happen, such as the "slave" telling
the dominant: "You let me get away with too much. You
need to punish me more often."

How can this make sense for the so called "submissive" to
be telling the so called "dominant" what to do?

It makes sense because at such moments the so called "submissive"
has steppedout of Play Space into Reality Space, and in Reality
Space the two people are working out the rules of their game by
mutual agreement.

But often the fact is that what the submissive really wants
(or thinks he wants) is to be a slave on a 24/7 basis.
He wants to *never* be in Reality Space. He wants, or at
least he thinks he wants, to have no say so in how the
relationship works.

This idea is on still another level, the Fantasy Level.
It's a great fantasy, but the reality is different. You
and he are playing a fantasy game, and the submissive will
never get satisfaction unless he cooperates with you in
deciding how the game will be played.

And yet, even so, for you, being the Top (dominant) does
have its prerogatives. If you want to have him dressed
up as a little baby in diapers and he really hates that,
you may be able to get away with saying, "You're my slave.
You have to do things my way." Or maybe not. The fact
is that even though though he is supposedly your slave,
there will still be power struggles between you and you
will still have arguments.

If he says he insists that he wants to be your "real slave,"
have him buy you a gun, so you can give him orders at gunpoint.
Require that he hand over his paycheck every week, so that you
control all the money. If he doesn't behave the way
you like, no lunch money for the next week.

Hey, I'm joking. Don't buy a gun. What happens if you
order him to do something and he refuses? What are you going
to do, shoot him? Then you'd need to find a new boy friend.

I'm just saying that whether he likes to admit it or not,
what the two of you are doing is not reality. It's play.

But it will certainly change the reality of your relationship.
Hopefully in a good way.

--Lee Lady www2.hawaii.edu/~lady/

Dominance, Submission, Control

--Lee Hawaii

Sometimes DS play can get pretty confusing.
One reason for this, I believe, is that dominance and submission are things that are present in all interactions between human beings. And this makes it sometimes difficult to be clear on the boundary between DS as play and the rest of life.

With bondage, for instance, this confusion doesn't exist.
One doesn't hear people saying, "I'm looking for
a 24/7 bondage relationship," or "It wasn't real bondage, because after he tied me up and did some things to me, then he let me go again."


POWER AND CONTROL IN DS PLAY AND IN REAL LIFE

DS play focuses on control. But control happens in ordinary life as well. Go to the
relationships section of the bookstore, and you can find lots of books on controlling one's significant other (ideally for mutual benefit). In the parenting section, there are many books on controlling one's children. And the business section is full of books on controlling one's employees (or, in some cases, one's boss).

But DS play is different. In real life, the important thing is the result. But in DS play, the important thing is the process. Power and control in DS play
are not a means to an end. They are, in my opinion, the whole point of what we do.

("Play" is the best word I know to describe what we do, but in participating in the Citadel DS discussion group, I notice that a lot of people reject this word, because to them it refers to playacting or carrying out a charade. For me, DS play is very serious and very real. But it's also very different from things in real life that may superficially ressemble DS.)

On the surface it may seem as if DS interactions are about the dominant getting his/her own way. But in fact they are just as much about the submissive having a satisfactory experience. If I as a submissive don't get this satisfaction, I will pick up my marbles and go home. For me, learning this was a very important insight after going through several experiences where I was not getting the particular satisfaction I need and was telling myself, "It doesn't matter if I'm bored and don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it; I'm a slave and I have to do whatever my mistress wants." It just didn't work for me.

If I come over and clean a dominant's kitchen, then it's certainly nice that the kitchen gets clean. But that's not the primary objective. The primaryobjective has to do with the total experience. The energy is very different from what happens if the dominant calls up a service and pays to have the kitchen cleaned.

Of course a big part of my satisfaction comes from seeing the dominant's pleasure or other satisfaction. That's fine. Sometimes I've had to tell dominants, "Let me know that you're having a good time."

Several years ago I published an essay in GP called "Obedience Training For Humans." Several people expressed surprise that several of the things I recommended contradicted the usual recommendations for parenting or animal trainings.

I recommended for instance that the dominant be inconsistent in his/her punishments and that the submissive should never be completely clear on what the rules are. I also suggested that itcan be good when punishment comes days (or at least many hours) after the bad behavior, after the submissive has had a chance to think that he has got away with what he did. I suggested that control by punishment is better than control by reward.

Although not every couple will want to play this way, the objections to these suggestions missed the point. Effectively changing behavior may be an important goal in a DS relationship, but it is secondary to the goal of having exciting DS interactions that are satisfying to both parties.

To me, as a male submissive, it is very exciting when I unexpectedly get punished for something I did the day before which at the time I didn't even know was wrong. It is exciting and for me the punishment is also very effective.

I got whipped once because several days before I had been reading a magazine and when the my dominant started talking to me, I kept on reading it, even though I was also listening to her. After that, whenever she talked to me I put whatever I was reading face down on the floor, and in fact for quite some time after that, I even did that when other women were talking to me.

I noticed that it was sometimes very amusing to my dominant that I would do things that were not even required of me, because I could never be sure what the requirements were. And I would pretend to not notice her amusement. It was satisfying to me to know that she was entertained by my behavior.


WHAT MAKES DS PLAY WORK?

I've tried very hard to identify the specific things that actually make a scene work for me. And, for me, it seems that two things are really crucial. The first is that a dominant needs a real sense of authority. And the second thing I need from a dominant is a sort of energy that I call seduction.

I've found that some people misunderstand this word, thinking that seduction means manipulating someone into doing something that they will regret later. But I am using the word seduction to mean something that happens mostly once a scene has started. It is verbal warm-up or verbal foreplay. And mostly I think it amounts to the dominant promising me that I will get the things I really want out of the scene. She might do this by saying, "I'm going to turn you into a total slave," or, "I'm going to teach you what obedience really means." These sorts of things are very individual, of course, so in order to do this effectively a dominant has to know me very well.

On the overall level, our interaction is not a battle. I want the dominant to succeed, so I want to give her all the information I can about how to be effective in controlling me.


LIKE ALL OTHER PLAY, DS PLAY IS ULTIMATELY COOPERATIVE

Since I want to be completely controlled by the dominant, how can it be okay for me to tell the dominant what I want? Doesn't that mean that I am taking some control over the scene? (Especially if I have gone to a professional dominant and are paying her to give me certain sorts of experiences.)

Being unwilling to say what one wants because of concern that this would be controlling the scene is on of the most common mistakes that new submissive make. Sure, it is wonderful when one can find a dominant who has ESP. Usually, though, not saying what one wants is a very effective way of not getting what is looking for.

The fact is that all play is cooperative, whether it be impact play, bondage, or DS.
This is quite evident in physical play, where at parties one sees a couple briefly decide on a good place to play. Then the dominant tells the submissive where
to stand and ties him up, asking, "Is that okay? Are you secure?" And the submissive might say, "No, you need to tie my right hand more firmly; if I do this
[gesture] then I can get free."

When I am engaged in DS play, the dominant and I have a common goal: we both want me to go deeply into subspace and feel compelled to obey.
(This is true for me, in any case. It may not be true for all submissives.)
And as far as I'm concerned, it is in fact my duty to give my dominant all the information possible on how to most effectively accomplish that.

But the fact that at root our play is cooperative doesn't mean that everything we do is by mutual agreement. For me, in fact, it would be totally antagonistic to the
sort of scene I want if the dominant were to say, for instance, "I'd like to make you wear diapers. Is that okay?" For me, the whole point is that I do what she wants, whether I like it or not. I know that if she lets me get away with refusing to do something because I really don't want to, then afterwards the scene will seem like a big let-down to me.

But it will also seem like a big let-down if I have done everything she asks, no matter what, simply because that's our agreement. To me, that's not slavery, that's voluntary service. I know that a lot of submissives find volunary service satisfying, but I need to know that the dominant has power over me and is forcing me to do what she wants.

But the two of us work cooperatively to create the framework where this will happen.

And it's essential that I let her know that *involuntary* servitude is the sort of scene I want. She *must* give me that sort of scene, or else I won't play with her again.

So who's in control?


DIFFERENT LEVELS OF REALITY

The fact is that words like "power" and "control" are much too vague. There are different levels of control.

There are three different levels of reality relevant to DS. First, there is, for want of a better word, what I call the Real World. And then there is Fantasy. And
finally there is Play. And these three kinds of reality are very different and are all very important.

In Fantasy, a dominant enslaves a submissive and completely controls him. But in Reality, it is often the submissive who initially approaches the dominant. He wants to be controlled, to be, in some sense, enslaved. And even if it is the dominant who makes the initial approach, what she does is not to overpower the submissive, but to make him an offer which she hopes will be attractive to him.

If the couple are beginners, the dominant's initialapproach may be, "Kneel you worm!" And a completely inexperienced submissive may think, "Great! A dominant who wants to play with me. I'll do whatever she wants and have a great experience." But for the most part, this only works in chat rooms.

More experienced players talk about their previous experience and what each of them is looking for and decide whether they want to play together and, in general terms, what the framework of their play should be.

Play will usually be very different from Real Life but is also different from Fantasy. Play takes place within certain boundaries.

When I play, I don't want to be aware of these boundaries. I want to be caught up in the fantasy world where the dominant's power if absolute and extends to every aspect of my life. But in fact if the dominant transgresses the boundaries, I will very quickly come out of subspace.

Roughly speaking, for me the main boundary is that play is not allowed to have a major impact on my life as a whole. An example I often mention is that a dominant cannot order me to shave my head, or to shoplift, or to
become a vegetarian. It is not acceptable for play to have an impact on my career or my relations with my family. And certainly I am not willing to play in ways
that endanger my health or physical safety, although I will admit that in the past there have been times when I allowed myself to be forced to do things that were more dangerous than was wise.


THE SELF THAT THINKS ABOUT PLAYING AND THE SELF THAT PLAYS.

One thing I've realized is that for myself, anyway, there is a split between two different parts of me when I do DS play. When I think about play and when I initially talk to the dominant about it, I am in a sort of top space,
as if I were a dominant planning the scene for my submissive self. (I won't tell the dominant I'm playing with all the details though, because I know that it will be more satisfying for both of us if she comes up with those herself. But after the scene, I might say something like, "I was a little surprised that you didn't order me to do such and such," and she might respond, "It never occured to me; I'll remember that for next time.")

While I am imagining the scene and discussing it with my dominant, I am seeing it pretty much from a third-person point of view, what the NLP people called a dissociated viewpoint. And I tend to be pretty cruel to my submissive self.

I've often observed this sort of thing in couples who frequently engage in SM play. The submissive will say things like, "You need to be more strict with me. You let me get away with too many things." At moments like this what is happening is basically co-topping.

It's when this sort of thing happens during the play itself that we have "topping from the bottom." For me anyway, topping from the bottom significantly weakens a scene, almost destroys it. Because at that moment, I am not in sub space.

But between scenes, even though I will still have a lot of submissive feelings, it is essential that we come back to Real Life space at least to the extent that I can give the dominant this sort of feedback.

Once we start playing, my submissive self totally takes over. I completely forget about the fact that it was me who wanted this stuff in the beginning. I genuinely suffer and may be very resentful toward my top. But at the same time, I have a commitment to seeing the scene through. Horrible though it may be, I want to experience the whole thing.

When dominant is having problems that she doesn't know how to solve, her submissive is the best source of expert advice available. (But the middle of a
scene is not the appropriate time to ask for a submissive's objective advice.) She might say, for instance, "You really don't like interacting sexually with
other males, do you? How can I get you to do this?" And the submissive might say, "I don't want to do it." And then the dominant could say, "You're my slave and I
want to see you being sexual with another male. Sooner or later, you know I'm going to get my way. So tell me what I can do to speed the process up and also make the scene work for you." Etc.

She might also want to ask, "Is this a hard limit for you?" In my case
at least, I don't want to say that something is a hard limit because I don't want to acknowledge, even beforehand or afterwards, that I have a certain degree of control in the scene. And I know that if I can get past my distaste and inhibitions, then I will feel very good about the interaction after it is over.

It might be useful for the dominant to sometimes discuss things with the submissive from a third-person point of view. "I want to let you know that the Dominant is getting very frustrated here because the Submissive keeps doing things that are really bratty. What should the Dominant do to stop all this bratty behavior?" (Sorry if I am violating some people's fetish about the use of capital letters here.) For me, this would make it easier to consider the situation objectively.

At the end of the scene, if the dominant asks me, "Was that good?" or "Was that what you wanted?" it will almost destroy the whole scene for me. I want to be able to stay with the fantasy (and yet it's only partly a fantasy) that the things
in the scene happened because they were what the dominant wanted, not what I wanted.

In my opinion and my experience, the best thing for a dominant to do at the end of a scene is to once again align herself with my top self. She can say
things like, "Wow! That was really great. I really enjoyed watching you suffering. You really didn't like some of the things I forced you to do, did you? Did that make you feel like a real slave? And are you going to be more obedient from now on?" She will talk about the scene almost as if she and I had been topping some other male. And this will bring me out of subspace and remind me that what just happened was something we both wanted, thus helping me let go of any anger I had as a sub about things me that happened during the scene. It will bring me back to the Real World level of reality, which, unfortunately but realistically, is where I need to be to live most of my life.