Thirst for BDSM Knowledge

2011-05-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Southern Cross: Educational information for a Kinky World

"It is the tragedy of the world that no one knows what he doesn't know - and the less a man knows, the more sure he is he knows everything". Joyce Cary

We at the SX staff are always looking for new and wonderful things we can offer our friends, amaze our collegues, and pacify the bill collectors. In between, we are either playing and screaming and laughing and bleeding and eating and sleeping, or we are learning.

This, our latest web site today, is our temporary home for wonderful web pages about WIITWD- the technical parts. We have M/s philosphy elsewhere, events and news at the home page, gossip and discussion on the Yahoo site, and of course, we hope you enjoy them all.

"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts." John Wooden

As we run across great items of interest, we will keep you up to date on them here. Please check the side bar for the listings in their order, or feel free to use the blogspot built in browser at the top of the page (browse WITHIN this blog).

Remember what Eden Phillpotts said: "The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper"

Bullshit on the rise

2011-01-22T20:45:00.000-08:00

Are you a PA-LAY-AH?

Thousands of people crowd the internet hourly seeking love, sex, commitment, empty hours to fill, and promises they never intend to keep. Most of them are so clueless they have no idea that there are real people who live real lives and really, truly DO have BDSM adult lives in real time, with real rules and real issues.

How do you know?

When one bullshit artist meets another, both of them live in the assumed world of the make-believe fantasies, often pushing each other to heightened levels of entertainment, neither one literally thinking of actually FULFILLING any of their bogus on line commitments.

Real people- the adults that HAVE decided to live in kink land, play for real, and have total lives that include social interactions with other kinky people, do not use the internet in quite the same way.
We use the internet to enhance our relationships, FIND real time partners, and connect for honest, real, serious sexual interactions.
We aren't kidding, we aren't fooling- and we don't want to fool with YOU.

So- you want to tell the difference do you?

There are some telling differences between real BDSM people on line and those folks who are either BRAND new to seeking their kink or are long term on line bullshit artists. Both rely on what they read in some cheap fiction novel, and both are easily misled. It takes a bit of time and energy to separate the new wheat from the old chaff.

Often, newbies of either variety will want to 'jump right in'. They will advertise for slaves and masters, and make identities on line using those respected titles as part of their name. Nothing says liar/con artist faster than "Master Lord of My Domain- but you may call me MASTER" as an opening greeting. Nothing flags a newbie on line quicker than someone hungry for contact and willing to start a power exchange relationship based on nothing more than making contact with someone else who claims to be their 'other half'.

Real kink people are serious, and looking for relationships of substance, be they one night stand booty calls or lifetime commitments, poly family additions or just dinner dates, the people who are serious, have some experience, and are real all have one thing in common- they don't believe in the bullshit that 90% of posters on line lay claim to.

The slaves, bottoms, subs, and property types on line know they are both easy bait for toppish types of all persuasions, and they know that their best way to find happiness is to search on the internet. They are not, however, dumb.
Tops that start conversations with 'on your knees slave!' or "Call me Master" often will be given the derisive snort that is due those kinds of comments. The men and women, tops and bottoms of the real scene, be they home players or public dungeon regulars, are not on line to get their jollies with nothing more than banter, chat and come ons without meaning (and if they are, there is a whole separate essay on that forthcoming). The real players of kink are looking for real, honest people to share intimate moments with. Yes, those moments MIGHT involve chocolate sauce and a great dane, but they are real moments none the less.

Does your on line correspondent have a vague way of talking?
Real people that play in kink land have toys and know how to use them, have done things and know the techniques, and have knowledge and experiences that are their basis for conversation. Asking someone what kind of rope they like and hearing "oh, I love them all!" is a short flag. Asking someone what kind of hides they like for floggers and hearing "Oh, I make all my own and use everything" is a bigger one, and hearing "It doesn't matter- you will bend before my lash" is the red flag of death.
Real people in the scene, be they in San Francisco or Manitoba, have probably gone to a real time class taught by one of the hundreds of kink folks across the USA. They have interacted with the whip makers who sell at conventions, giggled with the slaves who pose for the costume shots on line, and sat in rapt attention at the feet of the book writers from both non-fiction and fiction.

Does your new potential partner seem unaware of the people of BDSM? Many of the kink folks on line not only read, travel, and write to each other, but a small portion are *friends* and know each other at least in passing. Years of going to the same conventions, reading each other on line before the huge influx of computer users, training from the same small pool of 'old guard' kinksters has created a great deal of social interactions. Writers know writers, teachers of kink are on Facebook, small town slaves own huge sites on the internet, and everyone seems to have been on a yahoo group together.
Players also exist in real time, and more than one con artist has arrived in a town claiming to be a serious well known player with ties to another community only to find his or her story unravelling as the locals pick up the phone and call their friends across the country to verify the newbies claims to prestige and power. On line, it's 10 times more prevalent but just as easy for a member of a kink community to check out some wanna-bees claims of social power and sexual prowess.

Is this person making claims that seem unreal? Often times, a faker on line won't understand the REALITY of WIITWD (What it is that we do, a post modern acronym for being kinky). For every serious person who really truly wants to become the sexual creature they have fantasized, there must be 200 on line that deeply, truly believe that none of this is real.
They see the posts and think everyone is making this up as they go along.
They read the bio's and assume that everyone is as bored and fake as they are.
They see the pictures and think it's either Hollywood fiction or photoshopped (and some of it IS!) and dismiss our real life encounters as fictional imaginations rather than the documentations of kink being lived.
If the person you are speaking to makes lots of wild claims of having done things and been places, can they back that up with real pictures, contacts who were with them, people that helped with the scene, etc? Probably not. If the person claims to have pierced 300 people last year and their name isn't Fakir (one of the most well known body modification specialists in the world and founder of the urban aboriginals movement), you probably have a poseur. If they claim to have learned from someone, they will have references, a place, a workshop (often advertised on the internet) and those things can be checked.

Are they full of reasons why they *can't*?
Can't meet you this month? Probably married and cheating.
Can't travel to an event? Possibly not wanting to really do this.
Can't hook up for coffee until they know you better? Don't let it drag on too long.

The can't people are all too often the 'never can and never will' people, living their lives as best they can vicariously on line, enjoying their world and making the best of their lives.
That's great, that's fine and that's what happens for most of the people in the world with commitments and lives and people they cannot leave.
The question for YOU however is, do you want them to take up your precious time?
We are given just one life, one chance and a finite number of months and years to be the sexually charged adults we want to be. Do you want to be on line seeking a real interaction with another adult who is capable of being your real partner, or do you want to spend your time on line with a person who will always be just another play-ah?

You choose.

Bliss- it's in your head

2010-07-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

The Psychology of Bliss

By ROBIN MARANTZ HENIG

Published: June 17, 2010

In 2003, a German computer expert named Armin Meiwes advertised online for someone to kill and then eat. Incredibly, 200 people replied, and Meiwes chose a man named Bernd Brandes. One night, in Meiwes’s farmhouse, Brandes took some sleeping pills and drank some schnapps and was still awake when Meiwes cut off his penis, fried it in olive oil and offered him some to eat. Brandes then retreated to the bathtub, bleeding profusely. Meiwes stabbed him in the neck, chopped him up and stored him in the freezer. Over the next several weeks, he defrosted and sautéed 44 pounds of Brandes, eating him by candlelight with his best cutlery.

Enlarge This Image

Illustration by Shannon May

HOW PLEASURE WORKS

The New Science of Why We Like What We Like

By Paul Bloom

280 pp. W. W. Norton & Company. $26.95

Multimedia

Hold on a minute. Why does this story appear in “How Pleasure Works,” a book whose jacket copy promises a “new understanding of pleasure, desire and value”? If this is a “new understanding,” maybe we’ll just stick with the old one, thank you very much. For heaven’s sake, we’re only on Chapter 2, and already we’re deep into cannibalism, compounded by a suicidal-masochistic impulse. Still to come are such topics as rubber vomit, human grimacing contests and monkey pornography.

But stick with it and trust the author, Paul Bloom, to use these weird digressions to get us someplace interesting. Bloom, a professor of psychology at Yale, has written a book that is different from the slew already out there on the general subject of happiness. No advice here about how to become happier by organizing your closets; Bloom is after something deeper than the mere stuff of feeling good. He analyzes how our minds have evolved certain cognitive tricks that help us negotiate the physical and social world — and how those tricks lead us to derive pleasure in some rather unexpected places.

“Many significant human pleasures are universal,” Bloom writes. “But they are not biological adaptations. They are byproducts of mental systems that have evolved for other purposes.” Evolutionary psychologists like Bloom are fond of explaining perplexing psychological attributes this way. These traits emerged, the argument goes, as accidental accompaniments to other traits that help us survive and reproduce.

Our most puzzling sources of pleasure, according to this view, are side effects of our inborn “essentialism,” the idea that “things have an underlying reality or true nature . . . and it is this hidden nature that really matters.” It was to our ancestors’ advantage to be essentialists, so they could categorize the plants and animals in their environment into “dangerous” and “harmless” and thereby know which ones to avoid. Today, our ability to recognize the essence of things explains, for instance, why someone would be willing to pay $48,875 for a tape measure once owned by John F. Kennedy.

Pornography is another example of pleasure via essentialism. Why do some men spend more time looking at Internet porn than interacting with flesh-and-blood lovers? There may be “no reproductive advantage” to liking pornography, Bloom writes, but there is an advantage to its source: an urge to look at real-world “attractive naked people,” which makes us want sex, which in turn is good for continuation of the species. Pornography uses the same pleasure mechanism as actual sex, which is handy since “there aren’t always attractive naked people around when you need them.”

Then there are the (sometimes) more G-rated pleasures of the imagination: the joys of fiction, movies, television, daydreaming. “Surely we would be better off pursuing more adaptive activities — eating and drinking and fornicating, establishing relationships, building shelter and teaching our children,” Bloom writes. But when we retreat into an imagined world, it’s almost like experiencing the pleasure for real. Bloom calls it “Reality Lite — a useful substitute when the real pleasure is inaccessible, too risky or too much work.”

Bloom’s ideas go against the traditional view of pleasure as purely sensory: that is, that we get pleasure from food because of how it tastes, from music because of how it sounds, from art because of how it looks. The sensory explanation is only partially true, he writes. “Pleasure is affected by deeper factors, including what the person thinks about the true essence of what he or she is getting pleasure from.” When we pay good money for tape measures that famous people have touched, or treasure our children’s clumsy kindergarten art, it is because we believe that something about the person’s essence exists in the object itself. How else to explain Jonathan Safran Foer’s collection of blank sheets of paper? These are not just any blank sheets: they are the sheets that were about to be written on next by Paul Auster, Susan Sontag and David Foster Wallace, who sent them to Foer at his request.

And what about the seamier sides of pleasure, like the performance artist who sold 90 cans of his own feces, half of which were improperly autoclaved and would eventually explode, for as much as $61,000 a can? Bloom writes about them without judgment; they just help prove his point, albeit in some grotesque ways. Remember the cannibal Armin Meiwes and his victim, Bernd Brandes? Meiwes believed he was eating Brandes’s essence. “With every bite, my memory of him grew stronger,” Meiwes told the authorities. He also noted that Brandes had been fluent in English — and that since eating him, his own English had much improved.

Robin Marantz Henig is the author, most recently, of “Pandora’s Baby: How the First Test Tube Babies Sparked the Reproductive Revolution.”

Naming Names

2010-03-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

It's Called a Scene Name for a Reason-

Because its the name they want used in the scene.

By Lee Harrington (c) PassionAndSoul.com

Hey dude or chica I just met at a con. I know you're trying to get to know me better, but when you drop my friends legal names into conversation that can be overheard by other kinksters, instead of using their scene name, it does not impress me. It does not make me think that you know them better. It, by proxy, does not make me go "wow, this person knows so and so's real name, they must be good friends... and that person they mentioned is my friend, so thus I should be this new persons friend too."

No. It makes me think that you, so up in your stuff human, are one of a few choices:

1) Someone forgetful who slipped and used the wrong name. OK, cool, I can totally forgive that, we fuck up sometimes.

2) That you are trying to use this person's legal name, job outside the scene, or some such thing to create a false connection to me. Not so cool, but understandable- we are monkeys who want to connect to other monkeys and thus will use the tools we have at hand if, say, we have no skills at having a conversation or finding out what we in fact have in common.

but often, it makes me think:

3) That you don't actually care about that friend of mine because if you did, you wouldn't be sharing their business with the world.

Folks have scene names for many many reasons. Some folks want to try on a new name, one they feel sexy with instead of the birth name their parents or whomever gave them. Some want to express a different gender identity then how they often walk in the world. But MANY folks choose a scene name because they don't want folks spreading their business from one part of their life into another part of their life, or back. Scene names are like having different cutting boards for raw chicken and for the vegi tray- it stops cross-contamination and the spread of (social) diseases.

Maybe they work for the government. Maybe their spouse doesn't want to know details from their other life. Maybe they have kids that if the ex-spouse finds out what they have been up to, would use that as fodder in the legal proceedings even if what they like up their butt has no relevance to how well they raise their kids. Maybe they just like the privacy.

But either way, if someone goes by one name in the scene, I try my damnedest to respect that name usage. I don't care if I know Grand Mistress So and So's legal name and occupation, the color of their cat and their home address- unless that is general knowledge, it sucks to use that info in discussion. I might mention that they have a cat, if they mentioned other places in public scene events that they have a cat. I may even say my opinions on their cat, given that I know they know I have those opinions. But I am for darn sure not telling new human their legal name, address, etc... just to get to know them better.

This applies for the pagan community too. OK, so at home they go by Molly, but here they are StarLoveMoonBeam. I may have gone gaming with Molly, had sex with Molly, hung out with Molly's kids... but at the pagan event I have either (a) done all of the above with StarLoveMoonBeam or (b) I have known StarLoveMoonBeam for quite some time. That's it. No one needs to know at the pagan gathering that StarLoveMoonBeam likes to be tied up while I wear a rubber chicken suit. Really. It does not help me think that you, person who just told me, have a deeper magical connection with them as a co-creator of spells. It makes me think you are an ass.

All of the above also applies to pen names, porn names, musical/art names, etc.

I have been these people. All sides. I have been the human who has fucked up and shared the details of former lover's storage collection systems or neighborhood they lived in. I have been the person whose phone number was posted on public websites that led to creepy people calling me at 2am. I've been bragged to. I've done the bragging. Thus, I don't feel bad saying:

Stop it already.

It's called a scene name for a reason.
Because its the name they want used in the scene.

Copyright by Lee Harrington @ PassionAndSoul.com
*ALL rights reserved* used with permission of the author.

Meeting People

2010-03-03T08:44:00.000-08:00

From Random Thoughts, the live journal of Miss Courtney, comes a great article on

Munches & Meeting People .

For folks who are not certain about what they should expect, who have preconceived notions, or who have no clue other than the fiction they have encountered, this is a nice short list to help you focus a bit before walking into that room of strangers.

Not sure what a munch is?
Try this link to a description and HOW TO.

Research makes Us stronger

2010-02-28T09:26:00.000-08:00

Finally starting to see more serious pages devoted to the THINKING part of kink, and this particular post from Kink Research Overviews is EXCELLENT. Visit them HERE

Monday, December 7, 2009

Genetics as etiology

The idea that there is a genetic predisposition to kink seems to be very old. Kraft-Ebbing suggests it (1965 [1903]), placing it within the general framework of “degeneracy” used by the eugenics movement of his era. Freud (1969 [1905]) acknowledges it as a possibility in at least some cases. It is also suggested seriously by Mass (1979), and Strauss (2001, p. 126) among others. It has never been tested, however, and there is no evidence in support of it. Rather, it seems to be a convenient explanation for highly deviant behavior. As Freud wrote: “it has become the fashion to regard any symptom which is not obviously due to trauma or infection as a sign of degeneracy.”

An important sub-category of this approach is the idea that kinky people have a neurologically different experience of pain than non-kinky people. This “wired differently” theory seems to be a widespread explanation among kinky people themselves. It is also proposed by Kraft-Ebbing and Mass, it is the explanation Tanahill (1982 p. 385) suggests, as well.

TO READ the ENTIRE POST, Please visit their web pages on Blogspot.com

The Evolution of Leather

2009-04-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

By DaddyJames

I haven’t been part of the Leather community as long as some; I have been a part of it a lot longer than others. I have had my pitfalls along the way. I “made my bed”, I have to lie in it. I take responsibility for my actions, and I alone am the only one who makes my choices.

Choices. These things we make daily. Almost every minute of every day we make a choice. How that choice affects the rest of our minutes, hours, days, etc. can be good or bad. The fact is: we make the choice; even if we choose to do nothing. What influences our choices? Our upbringing, knowledge level, and experience do.

Upbringing, knowledge level and experience, are things we gain while walking our Leather (as well as everyday) paths. For some, it is painful and bumpy. For others, it is easier, yet still a trying ride. The fact of the matter is, we CHOOSE to ride. We choose to be what we are, we choose to be Leather.

Leather; the tough, durable, strong, soft, pliable, waterproof (ever see a cow with an umbrella?) protecting, warming, material. This material was used for armor so many years ago. As time evolved, so did armor. As better weapons were made, better armor had to be found to stop (or lessen) the damage caused by those weapons. These weapons keep evolving, and the armor keeps changing, however it is mostly still based on those old Leather creations. The styles, sizes, cuts, shapes are based on those traditional Leather breastplates. Leather protected the heart, and it still does today.

Leather (as a community) is evolving. Just as that armor did, Leather is changing. Is it for the better? It can be. Is it for the worse? Well not all armors worked the first time and that poor schlub who ended up being the crash test dummy for the armor probably wished it to work better, however, through his sacrifice of limb (and sometimes even life) the armor was improved. Therefore society as a whole benefited. The Leather community was created out of necessity. For all the reasons armor is worn by humans, Leather was necessary. Those men needed protection. Those men needed family. Those men needed armor. They were spit on, segregated, beaten and killed for what they were. Is it still happening today? Yes. Is it still happening as much? Statistically, no (although even one is too much) it isn’t. Society is evolving.

As Leather evolves (largely due to the creation of the internet, and the fact that researchable information is now at the fingertips, vs being taught by word of mouth) the people within it need to evolve as well. We need to accept the fact that we don’t HAVE to be in those dark seedy bars anymore. We need to realize that when we walk into a room we do NOT want people to fear us; we want people to want what we have. We want people to be able to approach us and seek out what they are looking for; answers, family, a sense of belonging, protection; all those things that attracted us to Leather.

Is everyone we meet Leather? Well, is everyone we meet Jewish, Buddhist, Catholic, or Agnostic? No. Who decides for them which religion they pick? They do. We as Leatherists, are not elite. We as Leatherists, are not “better than” anyone else. We as Leatherists are not people to idolize. We as Leatherists are not role models simply because we are Leather. We are only role models when we make the right CHOICES. Having said that, we do NOT have the right nor the authority over another person to tell them, “You aren’t Leather.” We are on an evolving journey. We can try to hold on to the past. We can still celebrate the traditions of days of old. It is not disrespectful when we choose to change with our environment. It is survival.

Leather WAS a secret society. Leather WAS secret for a reason. Now, with the internet flood, everyone CAN be Leather, if they choose. It is up to us to make it accessible. It is up to us to help them as we were helped. It is up to us to attempt to strive for living a value filled life everyday. These things are no different then being in any other society on this dust ball called earth. In society, people make errors in judgment, they screw up, they commit crimes, and they make poor choices. How are we as Leatherists any different than them? The difference is our support structure. The family, pack, or tribe we run with. The elders, the seniors, the peers, and the juniors are all part of a network that is there for support and guidance. Recommendations that are sought out, aren’t always the correct answer, however, an answer is given.

As Leatherists, we should no longer be silent; we should no longer be secretive. We should shout to the mountains what we are. What we are, and what we strive to be (everything from a Covered Master to someone who’s kink is to simply give classes on SM subjects) is something to think highly of. Is it a matter of pride? For some (I dare even say most) it is. For some, it is a curse. The curse of a public persona; everyone watching you and judging you (we are humans of course). Celebrating you when you accomplish something; then laughing behind your back when you fail. There are drama lamas among us. These people who simply can’t let go; they can’t see the forest for the trees. They focus on the negative. They thrive on others errors. They walk on the rice paper and don’t leave footprints (in their own minds), of course the rest of us can see the huge holes left in that paper. Everyone makes mistakes. It is how we as a community handle it that makes the difference.

I love being Leather. I love wearing Leather. I would never come out of it if my career permitted. It is sexy, sensual, hot, and smells wonderful. However, Leather is evolving; will you be on the train with others? Will you help to shine the light so others can find themselves as you did? Or are you one that wants to cover it, to hide it, to keep it in those seedy back rooms? Stand up. Be happy with who and what you are. Walk your path, along the way, help others along theirs. Be ready to sacrifice for the greater good.

Leather Pride!!!!

Daddy James ©; 17 February 2009

Ancient kinkster thoughts

2009-03-04T01:53:00.000-08:00

One must wear one's vices like a royal
mantle, with poise. Like an aureole that
one is unaware of, that one pretends not to perceive.
It is only natures entirely given over to
vice whose contours do grow blurred
in the hyaline mire of the atmosphere.
Beauty is a -marvelous- vice of form.

Cesar Moro
Amour a mort

Fullfilled

2008-11-24T22:40:00.000-08:00

by Masque

Night spills its ink across

Your body and beckons me

Carve my identity into yours.

Black fingers shadow their paths

On pale skin, seducing

Me; pleading with me to follow.

In this dark space, beyond all thought

Of right or wrong, there is a still

Lake —pain and indulgence— its glossy surface

Undisturbed; unrelenting.

I’ll meet you there.

I will lead you under, to drown

In the beauty of this iniquity

Until all light and dark disperse

Into this simple elixir of desire.

Toys- the Physics of Fun

2008-11-22T18:50:00.000-08:00

Applied Science to Use of BDSM Toys

By Ben, NC Master

Over the years I have seen demonstrations and presentations regarding the use of various BDSM toys as well as read many essays or articles on the proper use and safety in the use of these toys. However, I don’t remember any one talking about the science behind the use of the toys. One can become proficient at the use of these toys without understanding the science, but to gain true Mastery of using the toys it is important to fully understand the science behind the sensations caused.

Let Me begin with a few basics of physics: (Just so we understand the vocabulary)

Mass is the amount of matter in a substance
Weight is the force of gravity on mass
Velocity is a measure of speed and direction
Acceleration is the change in velocity
Force is a push or pull upon an object resulting from the object's interaction with another object
Force is calculated by multiplying Mass times Acceleration
Pressure is force per unit of area

When we use BDSM toys we are creating sensations. These sensations can be gentle, soft, harsh, intense, erotic, painful, thuddy or stingy, just to use a few of the terms usually applied. In order to have true mastery of a toy, one must be able to control and precisely deliver the sensation desired. One must also understand the characteristics of the toy and what creates a given sensation.

I will use a flogger as an example. Floggers come in different weights, different number of falls, different materials, different lengths and width of the falls. Each of these factors influences the sensations. If we change the Mass of the flogger, we also change the Weight of the flogger. When the Mass is changed the Force the flogger delivers is also changed.

Velocity is a measure of speed and direction. When you use a flogger, you can vary both the speed the flogger is thrown and the direction at which it is thrown. Since Force is the result of Mass times Acceleration any change in Speed or Direction will change the sensation. True control of these factors can create many different sensations by the same toy.

Pressure can be understood as the totality of the sensation. Pressure is defined as Force per unit of area. If we apply a Force with a flogger that has wide falls or a large number of falls, the Force is spread over a larger surface area and therefore the Pressure is spread over a wider area and we get a “thuddy” sensation. If that same Force is applied to a flogger with narrow falls, the Force is limited to a smaller surface area and we get more Pressure and that creates a “stingy” sensation..

These same principles can be applied to every toy we use. Understanding the design and characteristics of each toy and how the science influences the sensations will allow you to become truly skilled and not just whacking away. Who said science isn’t fun?

Our Absolute Lifestyle

2008-11-22T18:26:00.000-08:00

Article 2 of 12

When I came out in the BDSM scene some 6 years ago, after practicing my lifestyle in the privacy of my own home for some 23 years, I did so under the naïve assumption that the BDSM scene was ruled by honor, integrity and respect in a hierarchy like anciently setting, just as or similar to the way I rule my household. Slaves humbly serving their Masters in deference, devotion and with pleasure. Masters ruling over their subjects with grace and honor. Masters like brothers. Slaves like sisters. Ritual and protocol. A Man a word. Bonding I guess they call it now. I think you get the picture…

That’s right. And I never even read the Story Of O or any of the Gor Books.

Why else I thought, would we come out and gather. Surely not to practice our vanilla society skills. Certainly not to do now, what we would never do at home. Absolutely not to have our slaves behave all out of “role”, contrary to what we expect them to in the privacy of our own homes.

The reality however, dear Masters and slaves, is far from anything I would have ever imagined. The reality indeed, is a disgrace.

Go to the chat rooms and take a look, especially the ones on AOL. Visit a Munch or join a group, go to a party, and see for yourself. There is little honor, no ritual, no protocol. A Man a word… give me a break. No deference and no respect, it’s almost like the lifestyle is a fake.

Pseudo submissives running amok. Doms or swingers or players, or just out to get laid, one just doesn’t know. Egos and cliques. Bullies and fakes. Instigators, antagonizers and anarchists. Dishonesty running rampant. Sportsters, role players, and jokers. Protectors and preachers, and yes then there is us, in midst of the mess.

Structure and protocol is amiss, ritual, honor and pride and respect most of all. The hierarchy must be upheld.

It must not be that our slaves and those aspiring to be, are instigated against their Masters, looked down upon and belittled, if they wont comply. It must not happen that us Masters are portrayed to be abusers, control freaks, tyrants and worse. It must not be tolerated that Masters are scolded and lectured by submissives or even slaves, belittled or ridiculed, it is a shame. It must not be accepted that our collared slaves are proposed to by others behind our back. It simply must not be allowed that our lifestyle is ruled by backstabbing, slander and lies, by power struggles and those who simply don’t care. It must not continue that our lifestyle so dear to many of us, becomes watered down more and more by those new age online philosophies by the political correct, who brought us this mess.

Maybe some may say I am a dreamer, unrealistic, a fool and out of touch, an odd-ball, a fantasist, and if I would not live this, my lifestyle for so many years, I might even agree.

Absolute BDSM, Old Guard, Old Ways, Absolute Slavery, APE and TPE, it does not matter, but it all starts in our minds, our lifestyle is mental. Pride and honor, integrity and respect, our perceptions, it’s all in the mind. Expressed with behavior, through rituals, protocols and rules, it comes alive thru speech. We create our lifestyle, all by ourselves.

If we don’t carefully select who we surround us with, if we don’t take action when things go array, if we don’t correct the path when the lifestyle goes the wrong path, if we don’t choose honor, integrity and respect, and if we don’t uphold our lifestyle, nobody else will !

--------------------
Anyone wishing to use this article on their site or mailing list may do so as long as the article remains unchanged and my name and email address remain on them. Giving credit where it belongs. MasterEso@esodom.com
http://www.esodom.com/

Mentoring- The Rules

2008-11-22T15:20:00.000-08:00

Mentoring Rules
By Evil_Geoff

Rule #1 - If they want to have sex with you, THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #1a - If you want to have sex with them, YOU AREN'T LOOKING FOR A MENTOR.

Rule #2 - If they want to play with you, THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #2a - If you want them to play with you, YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR A MENTOR.

Rule #3 - If they try to run your life or deny you access to other people or sources of information for your BDSM education, THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #3a - If you are looking for them to run your life, make decisions for you, tell you who you can see, or what you can read, or who you can talk to to learn about this lifestyle, YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR A MENTOR.

Rule #4 - YOU, and only YOU, are responsible for wisely choosing a mentor. DO YOUR EFFING HOMEWORK before asking someone to be a mentor for you.

A mentor is a teacher, a guide, a sounding board, a friend. According to Webster's - a mentor is "a trusted counselor or guide." A mentor is there to answer your questions, offer advice, point you in the direction to find the answers you need. They are there to warn you when you are about to screw up... but they are not there to save you from your own hormones or stupidity. A mentor needs the ethics of a saint, and the patience of Job, the flexibility of a snake and a spine of steel sometimes.

A mentor isn't a fuck-buddy, a friend with benefits, a play partner, or control freak for your life. Do not let a predator in mentor's clothing attempt to use you.

Nuff said.

YIK,
- Geoff

The Dilemma

2008-08-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

Tradition vs. Change

by Ben, N.C.Master

As a community we are often faced with the dilemma of honoring traditions and implementing change. It is a circumstance that evokes much debate. Our lifestyle is deeply based in many traditions and these traditions have guided our journey for many years. Before the time of the internet our lifestyle was very much in the shadows of society. Meetings of individuals as well as groups were secretive and difficult to arrange or even know about due primarily to fear of persecution of various types. Society did not condone nor accept our way of living.

Because of this secretive process of meeting others, one had to “earn their way in” by various means. Some of the methods used to identify each other and the particular things each enjoyed; dress codes and behavioral activities were developed, or more likely, evolved to facilitate this recognition. These dress codes and behaviors became known and accepted over time and traditions were born. These traditions born of both necessity and preference became established and continued with honor and protocols. They worked well for the purpose that gave rise to them.

With the arrival of the internet, communications, connections, hook-ups and information were far easier to find. Suddenly, people that were never aware of this lifestyle recognized a need within themselves that reached out for what was found here. Private meetings of individuals, finding groups of like minded people and even online retail outlets for “toys” became easily found. Now we have a large influx of new people engaging in the activities of this lifestyle without having been through the trials and tribulations of the past.

Traditions come from things that are or were needed and held important and worthy of being continued. Traditions are a link to our past and the efforts of those before us to blaze the trail of our journey. We honor the traditions to hold on to that link to the past because our history is important to us. Tradition gives us an anchor on which we can remain grounded.

However, those that came to this lifestyle by a much easier path do not have the history and the struggle to tie them so tightly to our traditions. Their journey, although paved by the struggles and works of those before, has been relatively easy. The dress code and the leather may be more of a fashion statement to them rather than an earned tradition. The troublesome part for some of us that experienced the struggles is that this new generation may not care about the tradition. They are happy to just enjoy the fruits of the struggle.

Herein lies the dilemma, if those that hold to tradition shun the new generation because of their lack of appreciation, this new generation may just turn away and start their own version of this lifestyle, why do they need us to do what they do? If this occurs, the generation that honors the old traditions will fade away over time and all could be lost.

I do not hold the ultimate answer to the dilemma. However, I do think that as times change, we need to find a way to blend the honored traditions with the new circumstance. We need to educate the new generation as to the struggles of the past and the meaning of the traditions but perhaps we also need to be open to adopting some change in how things are celebrated and accepted. The traditions of old evolved from necessity. Maybe the new necessity is calling to us to recognize evolution is not quite finished.

~~~~
Ben is a Leather Lifestyle Dominant married to his slave/wife, and been active in the lifestyle for over 20 years. They are very active in the local and regional BDSM community, host several groups in their home, and do demos and presentations throughout the southeast on BDSM and M/s D/s Relationships. He is a former Board Member of Capex.

Lend a Helping Hand

2008-08-30T23:48:00.000-07:00

Leather Tradition: Mentoring
by Ben, N.C.Master

Lately I have been reading and discussing much about Leather Traditions. One tradition I would like to see used more frequently is mentoring. My journey into this lifestyle was before the internet and the early days of the internet. I look back and recognize that I was very fortunate to have had many mentors along the way. I recognized that I wanted to learn things and the best way to do that is to learn from those that are successful at the things I wanted to learn. I was a student and they were the teachers.

I also learned early on that dominants are not the only ones that can be mentors. I found some submissives that were very knowledgeable and willing to share their knowledge. I realized that if I were to understand the mindset of the submissive I needed to learn things from their perspective. It is also important to understand that the gender of the dominant or submissive has no bearing on what you can learn from them. I find it amusing at times when I hear novice dominants talking about they have their own way and do not need others to teach them how to be a good dominant and I learned that when a dominant is seeking knowledge from a submissive, it works best when the dominant takes on the mantle of learning and leaves the dominant cover on the side for the time.

From My understanding of the Leather Traditions, mentoring was very much the path traveled. Novice dominants and submissives would seek out experienced people and petition them to become a mentor. The relationship between the mentor and the mentee can be in many forms. It can be short term for simple things like learning a specific skill (using a flogger, formal tea service, Boot Blacking, etc.) For the more complex things, mentoring usually takes longer. It is not uncommon for a good mentoring relationship to last for years.

When we try to live this lifestyle daily, we often face issues that are new or difficult to get a good perspective within our own experience. The outside eye of the mentor can often suggest ways and means to successfully deal with these new issues. That is not to say that the mentor can always give you a canned solution, but may offer ways to work toward a solution.

Dominants really need to learn that submissives can be very good mentors as well. My understanding of the Old Guard, is that Senior slaves out ranked junior dominants in the over all hierarchy. Submissives should never be considered as inferior in knowledge or experience just because they are submissive. For a novice dominant to think He/She knows it all just because they are dominant is a serious mistake.

Submissives also need to seek out mentors from both other submissives and dominants. Spending time with other submissives can and should be a learning experience. You can learn attitudes, understanding, skills, and philosophies. From other dominants you can learn perspectives, attitudes, skills and understanding. Knowledge is the end goal of learning..

I would highly recommend that we all seek out mentors, whether for a short term skill set of for longer term lifestyle issues. I also suggest that those with the knowledge and skills be open to becoming a mentor. Helping a novice grow and mature within the lifestyle is necessary for the traditions to be continued. It also helps to keep ourselves active and learning. Remember the mantra… Each One Teach One.
*****
Ben is a Leather Lifestyle Dominant married to his slave/wife, and been active in the lifestyle for over 20 years. They are very active in the local and regional BDSM community, host several groups in their home, and do demos and presentations throughout the southeast on BDSM and M/s D/s Relationships. He is a former Board Member of Capex.

Mating Rituals

2008-08-30T23:35:00.000-07:00

A Mistake Often Made

by Ben, N.C. Master

Each of us, Dom and sub alike, want that perfect match. We want to find that partner that is the yen for our yang. We develop a mental image of who this person is, what they look like, and how they match with us. Finding this exact match is a very difficult thing. It is a worthy journey, but not one that will be easy or quick. Sometimes the search takes a lot of time and patience.

The mistake many make is, we tire of the journey and find someone that is convenient. We recognize that they are not the perfect match, but we mistakenly think we can change them, mold them to our purpose. We deal with the conflicts, the continuing issues and think things will get better. Perhaps we think that we have too much invested and are reluctant to give up or maybe we think they need our help to get through a rough spot. Maybe we even enjoy the fact the we have our own Dom or sub when we attend events and are not the one alone.

The real questions should be, are you happy? Are you being fulfilled? Does the positive energy outweigh the negative energy? If the answer to these questions is not yes, perhaps you need to reevaluate. This thing that we do is supposed to be fun, it is supposed to be fulfilling. If it is not, then we are creating more stress and unhappiness. It doesn’t matter if you are Dom or sub, if you are not having your needs met then face it.. this ain’t working. Most of us are not trained psychologist that can help our partners work through personal issues…this is for professionals...do not try this at home.

The correct match should be someone that shares your core values, someone that would be a friend even if not your partner. As much as we would like it to be true, we cannot be doing scene play 24/7, our partner should be someone that we enjoy being with even in vanilla times. Do not hang on waiting for things to get better. If the horse is dead, get off and take the saddle. Don’t condemn yourself and your partner to a lifetime of bickering and stress.

Many of us have our own personal issues. It is better to work on getting ourselves healthy before we begin to struggle with the issues of others. Do we have our own lives in order? Can you offer to a partner a whole, healthy person? Are you looking to “rescue” someone or have someone rescue you? If so, don’t count on it working. The journey may be long and difficult, but finding that right partner is truly worth it.

~~~~
Ben is a Leather Lifestyle Dominant married to his slave/wife, and been active in the lifestyle for over 20 years. They are very active in the local and regional BDSM community, host several groups in their home, and do demos and presentations throughout the southeast on BDSM and M/s D/s Relationships. He is a former Board Member of Capex.

Before You Go

2008-07-21T22:35:00.001-07:00

What To Expect At Your First Leather Event
by Master Grey from Denver, CO.

People attending their first Leather event... and especially people who are also new to the Leather/BDSM scene... have a lot of questions about what will happen, what they will see, how they should behave, and what in general
they should expect.

I've been to a number of Leather events around the country, and while each one has its own flavor, here, no particular order, are some things that you may expect to experience at Thunder in the Mountains 2007!

1) Lots of friendly perverts from around the country and around the world. Leather events such as Thunder offer a great way to meet people, to visit and learn, and to obtain many new ideas.

2) Seminars given by great presenters on a variety of topics. It seems that all the best seminars are usually scheduled at the same time. So attendees should be prepared for "seminar selection stress" ... LOL!

3) A great vendor area with lot of toys and affordable shopping! Bring credit cards and money! If you see something you like and are unable to purchase it immediately, be sure to ask the vendor how many they have in stock. If you decide to come back later to get it, it may not be there.

4) Membership-only play parties. The energy level at events is usually pretty high, and you get to see how different people play. (Maybe even with you!) People tend to "dress up" for the parties, and although a dress code is not enforced, it is recommended that everyone attempt to maintain a Leather/BSDM "style". Dark clothes, leather clothes, and black shoes or boots are usually safe.
If you show up in a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and white tennis shoes or sandals, people will probably think you don't have much of a clue about the lifestyle.

5) Not much sleep. Up early for breakfast before the seminars and back to bed late after the parties. Bring vitamins!

6) Tired feet and sore backs. Dress comfortably during the day as you will be sitting in seminars and cruising the vendor area. (The chairs in the seminar rooms aren't always extremely comfortable.) You will also be walking a lot and maybe standing . Bring some foot lotion. Even if you don't have a slave to massage your feet, it will make them feel better. Most hotels have hot tubs, workout rooms, massage services or spas. Use them!

7) Be prepared for an incredible high during the event, and culture shock when you get back to the "real world" after the event.

8) Come with a *very* open mind. You will see lots of different kinds of people, hear lots of different viewpoints and opinions, see lots of different kinds of relationships and different kinds of play. People tend to"pull out the stops" at these events, and some of the action can be very unusual. It's all good, and it's all a learning experience. (Even just thinking about *why* you reacted in a certain way to something can be a valuable learning process.)

9) Be respectful, courteous, and tolerant of others. If you're new to the lifestyle, watch a lot and try to pick up the dynamics of relationships or protocols. If you don't know how to address someone, and you make a mistake, or find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, please tell the other person that you're new to the scene and you're not quite sure what's going on. They will very likely understand and explain things to you. We were all new at one time, and we remember what it was like.

10) READ THE RULES for the event and the play parties! Don't just browse them quickly and sign them at the registration desk. The rules are important, and the Thunder in the Mountains staff enforces them very strictly for the protection of the event, the attendees, and the hotel. Look for the rules on the event website, study them, read them again at registration, and make sure you understand them. At Leather events, as in the legal system, ignorance of the law is no defense!

11) Expect to be amazed, surprised, delighted, shocked, startled, amused, and expect to experience a whole range of intense emotions. Sensory overload and unexpected emotional reactions are a common side effect of Leather events. If it getsto be a bit too much, find a quiet corner to sit in and just watch for a while, or find someone to talk to about how you're feeling. You can also go back to your room to relax for a bit or watch mindless drivel on TV for a while. Then go back to the event and jump back into the pool!

12) If your schedule and finances permit, check into the hotel the day before the event (Thursday) and check out the morning after (Monday). This has a number of benefits.

* You can get in, get settled in the hotel, have dinner, and chill out before the event starts. Or you can also catch the "pre-event" activities like the “Meet & Greet” gathering where all presenters are introduced.

* The day of the event you can get up, have breakfast, sit in the lobby watching people check in, and look for your friends.

* You can register early, check out the schedule, and hit the vendor area. (Get those neat shiny toys before anyone else has a chance!!)

* The last day of the event, you don't have to worry about checking out on time and figuring out what to do with your luggage before getting to those last seminars later on Sunday afternoon.

* After the event closes, you can go back to the room and relax instead of rushing off to the airport. You can "decompress" before returning to reality.

* You can avoid the challenge of trying to find a luggage cart and waiting for an empty elevator when checking in and out! It's a lot easier than when hundreds of perverts with lots of leather and toys are looking for carts and
filling the elevators at the same time.

13) Food. Food is important. Food is part of a balanced diet, and provides the energy necessary to socialize, play, and shop. Nine out of ten Dominants surveyed recommend Food. (The tenth was too busy eating to respond.)

Food service at Leather events can be an adventure. Imagine... the last seminar of the day is over, and everyone goes to their room to drop things off and freshen up... and then a few hundred starving perverts hit the hotel
restaurant at the same time!

Hotels can get overwhelmed, delays can be long, people can get grouchy.

Some possible solutions:

* The Thunder hotel offers buffets which are very good. Use them rather than ordering from the menu.

* Eat early if you can, and avoid the rush. (Of course, if *everyone* does that, the rush will just be earlier.)

* Keep some snacks in the room. Many hotels have a mini-fridge in the room these days. Munch on something after the seminars and eat later after the rush.

* Leave the hotel to eat. Some hotels have shuttles that will drop you off or pick you up at nearby restaurants. The hotel will have a list of nearby restaurants at the desk, or there may even be one in your conference packet.
Or find some people with cars and carpool to a restaurant.

14) If you're new to the lifestyle, it's important to know that you do not have to play at Leather events... at the parties or anywhere else! Everything that happens at these events is consensual. You are free to
just watch, and you are free to play if you want to. If someone asks you to play and you're not quite ready, just say something like, "No, thanks, I'm new to the scene and I'm just watching and learning." If you are interested,
don't be afraid to ask for references, and be sure to negotiate the limits of the play session. (If you don't know how to do that, ask one of the event volunteers, they'll be able to find someone to help!)

15) Bring enough cash! Some vendors don't take credit cards (but most do). It is always good to have cash in case you want that one piece of equipment from a vendor who accepts only cash. Hotel ATMs have been known to run out of money during these events (although that is rare as well). And since the event occurs over the weekend, hey don't get re-stocked until the event is over. So make sure you have enough to get that special toy, tip the hotel staff, etc.

16) Have lots and lots of fun!!!

Master Grey

Denver, CO.

-----
Permission to repost granted, with the following conditions:

- The document title, and my name and location, must be retained.

- If you are posting this for your own event, you may change the reference to "Thunder in the Mountains" to your event name.

- The original document must not be modified. If you wish to post this document with comments or additions, please add them after the original document.

Acid Test

2008-06-27T21:11:00.000-07:00

The "Acid Tests" guide for potential Dominants

(c)DrSpankenstein

*Introduction*

The term 'Acid Test' is an old prospecting term.. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the 'Acid Test' was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the 'fool's' variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Dom's.
Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Dom's online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after 'easy sex' and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Domme's out there.

*Step One: Do the Math*

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissive's at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Dom's outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means
that 19 out of the 20 "Doms" you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: "When in doubt, throw it out!"

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take years. That's hardly su rprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they 'vanilla' or otherwise. So don't be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don't give him 'three strikes' or 'extra chances to win.' Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

*Step Two: Know Your Enemy *

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG's (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don't bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and
submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he's not a Dom, he's not going to give you what you really need, and he will likely give you many things you don't (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissive's are simply 'easy lays.' Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn't deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives
with some casual screwing around. They target submissive's because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their 'scenes.'

HNG's are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the 'scenes' they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the 'lingo.' The are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms 'playing' with their 'subbies.' Don't waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call 'controlling personalities.' They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say.
They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justif y their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissive's find themselves 'naturally' attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so 'in command' of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a
controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about 'taking care of you' and also 'knowing what's best for you.' They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the 'mental aspect' of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be 'quite right.' While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control f reak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their 'hooks' into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack
from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! There motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case.. If you know your partner well, you're more likely to have a good time with him (because you will feel more comfortable during
that first scene). Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a 'dom' you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don't go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play 'hard to get.'

*Step 3: Know your goal! *

Take the time to figure out what you want. It's often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. SO ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do's and don'ts of meeting others and playing safely.. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep
in mind that that it's YOUR ass that's (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It's a very personal thing to you!

Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all t he time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations. It's a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the 'puzzle piece' that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don't look for a Dom that's exactly like you. You won't
find him. Don't look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn't exist.

ABOVE ALL, if you're prospective Dom seems like a generally 'nice guy' you're likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn't likely to make demands until its time to
play.

*Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests! *

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don't waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he's not going to be fun to play with.

Test #2: "You'd better call me Sir!" is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Dom's don't have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Dom's will say things like "please, call me Mike…"

Test #3: "I want you to take my collar before you play with me." This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole "cyber-collar" is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like "On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]" This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that's not even polite? There's a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn't online!

Test #5: "I don't have to answer that question!" or "It's not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that." are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! It's literally your ass that's on the line! Never forget this!

Test #6: "Its my way or the highway!" or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Dom's can have Limits too, but its your Limits that count FIRST. Don't let any would-be 'dom' tell you differently. Don't let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either.
Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it's ALWAYS LADY'S CHOICE!

Test #7: Don't bother with online collars. Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It's a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is NO. Forget it, once you've done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

Test #8: Ask your prospect if he's ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he says 'no,' run for your life! If he says, 'very rarely,' at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

Test #9: "I'm a bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]" Wouldn't it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, thinkabout this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control
person is really into D/s, he's likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

Test #10: "I'm 33 years old, and I've been a Master for 15 years." Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom's level of experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year old boys don't care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

Test #11: Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be 'very experienced.' Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. Lots of HNG's have female screen-names set up to act as 'references' for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept.. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it's considered rude to talk to a guy's ex-girlfriend. But in the BDSM Scene its the opposite, experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

Test #12: "I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them." Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a 'dom' has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST!

Test #13: "I don't need safe words." Well of course he doesn't! If he said this he's likely a snert and therefore he's never really bee n in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

Test #14: "My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them." If you hear a "dom" say this it's most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his 'slave' is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissive's in my time, but ONLY with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

*Step 5: It's not just the men you have to screen! *

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Dom's to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious! However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG's who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of "female enemy" is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only "real
BDSM." They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.
Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It's not your job to save the
world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

*In Closing*

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick "cyber only" in your profile and forget real life BDSM? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like " sex magic," but now that I know the spells, I'm an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with
knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don't forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

*(c)DrSpankenstein@AOL.com*

Things We Do For Love

2008-06-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

Fisting…(Vaginal that is)

Jun. 14th, 2008 at 10:21 AM

By chel

I get a lot of responses when I say to people that I love to be fisted. Of course there is the Fister, the person who does the fisting and the Fistee, the one receiving the fist. Women fistees react in a few ways when they hear the word. Some will be scared (the “eep” response that happens when one’s panties are already wet) and want to quickly change the topic. Others may state that they love it also (the “heavy sigh” response that reminisces on those times gone by). Yet others will say oh they could never do that (the “dare I want such a thing” response with mixed feelings). And then there are those who say they have tried but have never been able to be fisted (the “bad memories” response of the failed attempts to please the one who has introduced them to this activity).

Now, fisters have a variety of reactions too. Some are incredulous and say their hands are just too big and they could never do that (the “oh I can’t think about it” response for fear of getting aroused). Others are all hot and bothered by the thought of plunging their fist into a woman’s vagina for whatever internal reaction they might have (the “supreme god/dess” response that entails being all powerful). Some will admit to trying it and not being successful and others will never dare admit to their failed attempts. I think it is common that many who do not necessarily truly understand fisting will say they have never enjoyed it and don’t really add it to their battery of sexual activities.

What exactly is fisting? Well for me fisting is a type of penetration and stimulation of my vagina, my mind and my body that includes incredible sensations and a fullness that I don’t think I have ever had rivaled by anything else. Fisting for me is a slow ritual almost and a gift from the fister to the fistee of pleasure and sensations that I am allowed to immerse myself into. Fisting at times is the only thing that will fully satisfy me. To feel the orgasms build and build and to not be able to get the full release until the fist is removed from me when my dams burst and my fluids flood out of me and I am truly spent. Yes, I do orgasm during the fisting (multiple times mind you when it is well done) but there is a certain amount that my body is not allowed to do because this foreign object filling me and keeping my walls from truly pulsing to the extent needed for the final release.

Fisting for me is not about the fister even though I have fisted someone before and it is an incredible experience on that end. Fisting is about me and about the dance between me and the fister. This dance includes an energy exchange for sure. I often times wonder at anal fisting because I can see the energy exchange with an orifice that is larger than the anal sphincter and ponder what it would feel like to have the smaller opening stretched and allowing the full penetration and claiming of that part of my body as well. Fisting is a time when someone else is in full control of my body that is opening itself like a gate for the entrance of the fister’s energy and power. Maybe that is what fisters get that creates some of the difficulties in doing the act: feeling powerful, power-filled. Fisting is not fully about power or claiming ownership on another body. Fisting is about enticing and eliciting an entry into the fistee’s core being. But not to discount the fact that once patience pays off the fister certainly does get an immense power rush.

Okay enough drivel and let me get into some details on how “I” like to be fisted. I will list some tips and my experiences and see where we go from there:

1. Don’t try to ram your fist into me. It isn’t going to work – just trust me on that okay? Sure it might from time to time but why do it that way? You totally miss the dance, the ritual, the eliciting of the opening of the fistee’s body and being to you. Note: if it feels like you are pushing against a brick wall, you probably are. It typically only annoys me at that point. I don’t want to be fisted to feel pain. I want to fly when I am fisted. I want to feel spent and fulfilled. I want to have the bonding memory of the sharing that happened between me and the fister as my body sucks their hand the final little bit into my body.

Side note: This sucking of the fist into my body – OMG!!!!! It is as silly as it is amazing though. Typically at this point I can giggle like a little girl. I may start to laugh and I am sure the hand that is buried to the hilt inside of me feels those additional contractions around it and probably wears the bruises for a few days because of it. I can remember the expressions of these very special dance partners (the fisters) and how they have this rather dazed look on their face. I am never sure until that point if they have experienced it before or not no matter how much they might say they have done fisting lots of times. When it is a look of bewilderment, I typically doubt if they have done it very often. When it is a look of pure delight and no fear, I know they have been there before and they are reaping the benefits of their patience and ritual dance that we have only just begun.

2. Have patience, don’t be in such a hurry!!! There was a song that someone sang to me when I was a teenager and she just a little child. It was a new song that she had learned. It pretty much went: “Have patience, have patience, don’t be in such a hurry. When you get, impatient, you only start to worry.” Basically what this boils down to is that if you are not patient, if you do not coax the flower open slowly and thoroughly, you end up losing out and also you haven’t stopped to smell the roses along the way. Oh my, I sure am filled with clichés today. But I really think in this case the clichés tell valid points. And to change the ditty a bit: Have patience, don’t be in such a hurry. When you get impatient, the fistee will only start to worry (and trust me that negates the purpose of even trying to fuck her pussy with your fist). Just remember, have patience, enjoy the process and don’t focus on the end result. This leads us to point three.

3. Progress not perfection!!! Whenever we are engaged in a dance in this sexual realm where danger and desire mingle and pleasure and pain join, there are risks that we have to be aware of. Recently I became very aware of the risks and the consequences of fisting and what can happen when the dancers are not fully engaged in the process but more focused on the end result. I wanted the fister to accomplish his goal. He wanted to give me pleasure (I assume anyway) and he probably thought he was doing it correctly. I was not communicating with the fister fully because I didn’t want to tell him he was doing it wrong for me. I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I truly enjoy the long drawn out dance of the coaxing and probing and the patient walk towards the slurp of the fister’s fist into my receptive pussy. It was like I just wanted the whole fist inside of me for his gratification and for satisfaction of my service to him. To be totally honest, it was not the first time he had fisted me and when he started, I just wanted it to be over so I was letting him go through the motions and I was enjoying it to a degree but not like I enjoy fisting typically.

I should have communicated better and I will forever regret that choice and the damage that happened because of my lack of input in the process and his corresponding lack of knowledge. To keep with my dance analogy, I guess you could say that we were dancing different dances but thinking we were dancing together. He was leading and I was letting my body follow but my mind was not there. I realize looking back on it that I wasn’t even enjoying the progress and all I wanted was his actions to be perfection to him. I wanted him to accomplish his goal and that was where my pleasure came in. Believe it or not I started writing this before this fisting fiasco happened.

The fisting fiasco was a serious vaginal tear and an immense loss of blood. The consequence was a trip to the emergency room where I had to be sutured up. I lost a significant amount of blood. The consequence was me feeling that my body betrayed me. The consequence is me being afraid to have penetration of my parts. I will not go into the consequences for the fister because I cannot speak of his knowledge there. The injury was a result of a lot of missteps and miscommunication. I don’t blame him for what happened because there are two people involved in every dance. I also could not have asked for someone as attentive to me as he was in the emergency room. At the time I wasn’t too worried about the legal consequence if the ER professionals took what happened for abuse, but thinking back I wonder how much he was concerned about that. Luckily I knew enough about that possibility that I made extra effort to let it be known that the activity was mutual and cooperative and not a situation of a bad situation gone worse.

So I mentioned progress and not perfection as an important item in fisting. It isn’t about getting the whole fist into me. It is about the dance and the process of relaxing my walls to allow entry of the fister into my core. It is about the dance of pleasure and not pain. It is about the excitement that builds as 3 fingers go in and the fourth one slides in with the in and out movements and the sounds of the wet walls and the suction of the movements. It is about when the thumb is added to the 4 fingers and the hand is allowed further entry, deeper and deeper. It is about the slurp of the knuckles and the feeling of the fister never getting his/her hand back from the deep, dark, hot, wet hole that has swallowed it. It isn’t about the fist ramming into my cervix (mind you some girls cannot stand their cervix hit at all). It isn’t about even having a fist inside of me. It is about the moment when my body opens up and takes in the fister’s power and being. It is about the thrill of that moment and the ones that follow when my body is in the fister’s total control. It is about my voice and my body becoming an extension of the fister. It is about the mindlessness that I reach where it doesn’t matter what noises I make or what way my body moves. It doesn’t matter how much I am saturating the blankets or towels. It is about that space where 2 people blend into one amazing capsule. That space where time is lost and the fister is reaching into my very core and filling my whole body with their pleasure. Whew… got lost there for a bit in the passion of the memories. Let us move on.

4. Surprise you are in and now what do you do? Well at this point is where you get to run the show because I am typically so overwhelmed with feelings that all I am doing is feeling. You have some important things to consider at this point. To begin with you have a fistee who doesn’t care about much beyond the pleasure she is feeling in that moment in time. LUBE is important even if you think there is nothing ever as wet as what you are into now. Act as if you have stock in every lube company possible – Use LOTS!!! You can take it slow and steady; you can take it fast and furious. The reality though is that you are in a very delicate part of the fistee’s body and the fistee will be very deep into a dance with you where all she really cares about is the pleasure she feels in her body and the power she feels filling her with your actions.

I can only wonder what the fisters are going through at this point in time. I wonder if you are able to truly let go and enjoy the sensations and enjoy the enjoyment and freedom the fistee is feeling. But you cannot forget your responsibilities. The person being fisted probably has not a care in the world and more than likely is so overwhelmed with feelings that she may not know up from down. Each woman is different. The dancers must both be engaged in the process. But the fister is the one who has the view and can see whether there is trouble or not. I can remember leaving a fisting demo feeling empty and craving a fist in my cunt. Now I am wondering if I will ever let someone even try to fist me again. I can’t imagine sex without it though so that presents a quandary of sorts. I will continue to learn from my experiences and grow. And adding another cliché, time does heal all wounds. I sure hope this is the case.

Another thing is that if there is ever any blood, the fister has to take charge and make a decision on damage or not. I would say the event needs to stop. The situation needs to be assessed. But stopping is not pulling out immediately because as much damage can happen with that as when entering. Part of my experience taught me that when the fister is pulling out if the fistee is tensed up at all, the fister needs to stop and help the fistee relax. If the fister pulls out abruptly and the fistee’s walls are clamped around his/her fist a tear can happen. So even after multiple orgasms and the high of the dance, patience and body to body communication is important. At this point the fistee is probably pretty spent and needs a lot of direction. The fistee needs to be able to trust the fister in his/her knowledge and skill.

I think for myself it is important to say but maybe more so for me to hear that it is not a failure when the whole fist is not taken inside of the fistee’s body. It is not a blow to someone’s skill or ego if the fisting is done with only 3 or 4 fingers and no thumb. It is not a sign of my failure in the grand scheme of things. It is about the sensations and the feelings. It can get scary to be in the place where you are putting your body in someone else’s hands. It can be scary when your body is reacting and you are giving over the control to someone else. That probably sounds odd coming from a submissive but it is still a scary thing for me. I know now from the lessons of my past that communication is essential. If I don’t feel comfortable telling the person I am with what feels good and what does not, then I need to not be letting them do things that might be harmful to me. If I am worried about hurting someone’s ego by telling them what they are doing is doing nothing for me, then maybe I need to not consent to anything to start with.

Fisting is amazing and incredible. It is something to be cautious about but I don’t think it is necessary to fear it. It is not about force or pain but like so many things in BDSM, it is about the dance of energies and the intermingling desires. It is about that threshold space where 2 people are not separate and 2 bodies are not apart. I still have not been able to go back to fisting. I don’t know when it will happen. The fisting fiasco was a learning experience and it was a lesson for me to build on.

Fisting is dangerous. But it can be a safer, saner and consensual activity. Other than hands: lube, communication skills, gloves and patience are the necessary tools to move forward into the great divine. The only other factor is time.

Philosophy for Doms

2008-06-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

Choices and Responsibilities
By NCMaster
There is an old saying that goes something like, “If you are going to talk the talk, you got to walk the walk.” There are many in this lifestyle that talk the talk, but how many follow through and walk the walk? Life is always about choices and responsibilities, both in the vanilla world and this lifestyle. The fun parts are always easy. The dominant and submissive alike, enjoy the power exchange during those times when it is fun. The sexual and BDSM interaction framed in the Dominant/submissive power exchange is very erotic and exhilarating. Wearing the fetish attire, attending lifestyle events, interacting with like minded people, all of these things are exciting, invigorating and just plain fun.

However, the real test of character and commitment comes more often away from the crowd. Those times when it is just you alone, or sometimes you and your partner, these are the times when commitment and choices become very real. As a dominant, do you step up and accept the responsibilities that come with being the dominant? Do you do those things that provide nourishment, support, and stability to the relationship? Does your dominance serve as a foundation that holds things together? Do the choices you make show a consistent value and judgment? Does each choice you make, reflect your commitment to the responsibilities a dominant has toward the partner? Do you manage your time and money responsibly? Do you treat those around you with respect and honor? Each individual choice, even the little choices, reflects on your position as dominant. Are you consistent in these decisions and choices and do these choices build character or erode it?

As a submissive, each individual choice you make is a choice of submission. Do you submit to your dominant fully, or just when it is fun? Do you submit to your dominant just when you agree with the things expected or is your submission complete? What is your commitment? Is your submission something you put on display when others are around or is your submission dedicated to the relationship? If you are given assignments that are designed for personal growth and stability of the relationship, do you follow through and do the assignment fully or do you pick and choose parts of the assignment? If a D/s relationship is to be both successful and true to the principles of this lifestyle, the dominant and submissive alike, must view each choice made each day as a measure of their dominance or submission. It is a measure of their commitment to the success of the relationship.

The most meaningful judgment of your personal choices and acceptance of responsibility comes from within. Each of us knows when we choose to do or not to do something whether or not it is the right choice, whether or not it is consistent with what we profess to be. The best judge of our actions quite simply is ourselves. Do you walk the walk?

Civility and Incivility in the Scene:

2008-05-26T03:46:00.000-07:00

By Chris M [Black Rose of Washington DC] and Lady Medora [New Orleans
Power Exchange] (The authors hope that everyone and anyone will send
this through any boards you belong to including the authors names).

One of the most grave and inexplicable problems facing our community
in general is the continued presence of downright rudeness. It
takes many forms: gossip, arrogance, slander, ingratitude,
interpersonal cruelty y, Rumor-mongering, the propensity to snub, shun
or belittle, a refined Sensitivity to slight paired with strident
disregard for how ones actions And words effect others. It is
astonishing, and terribly sad, how poorly we Get along from the
viewpoint of interpersonal relationships. Why a community like ours,
whose members strive for a mature outlook on power, consent and
tolerance should feud with such violence and monotonous regularity is
a true mystery.

In our community, we see behavior one would never dream grown adults
could stoop to. We have seen SM groups who ought to get along fine,
bicker endlessly and mindlessly. We have seen "leaders" whose mission
appears to be the personal demolition of others whose contributions
to the community might challenge their own. We know good people who
have left the scene because of the cattiness, clique-mentality, and
deliberate un consenting meanness. This propensity, often
called "Tops", is by no means limited to dominants. It is nationwide
in scope affecting virtually every group we have visited in our
travels.

It isn't hard to imagine a universe where this kind of behavior never
occurred at all. Aggression, power and consent, to say nothing of
etiquette, are concepts SM folk deal with all the time. The BDSM
community has made great strides in developing and documenting a wide
variety of safe SM practices, protocols and standards for negotiation
and play. Yet, strangely, the bickering, bitchiness and backstabbing
goes on unabated. The last two Black Rose election cycles, have
produced virtual demolition derbies of friendships over seemingly
trivial issues. TES went through a similar bloodbath several years
ago, in the wake of their 25th anniversary celebration. And many
small groups have closed, not because of legal persecution, fiscal
mismanagement or lack of membership, but due to jealously, power
struggles, and malicious gossip. The wounds inflicted by incivility
exceed any damage perfumed in consensual dungeon play and the
emotional scarring that uncivil behavior leaves on its victims lasts
longer than any bruise.

You might guess that the worst of this behavior comes from scene
novices but you would be wrong. Beginners, usually eager to fit in
and make friends, typically deport themselves well. The worst of this
behavior comes from people who have been in the scene for years.
People with experience, with play partners, with contacts, are often
the most judgmental, least generous, most easily-offended, readiest
to slander others. It is strange, but over and over we have seen
seemingly friendly newcomers arrive in the scene, become avid pupils
of our craft, grow into competent players, then unexpectedly mutate
into arrogance, self-importance and interpersonal ruthlessness. Many
leave the community in bitterness, anger or disgrace. The civility
question may play a role in the scene's curious lack of people of
color, who understand discrimination and hostility when they see it,
and feel unwelcome. It hurts our leather brethren, demolishes
friendships, breaks the spirit of our volunteers, cripples social
groups, invites retaliation, and weakens our claim that SM is
practiced by emotionally healthy, well-adjusted people. Why are we
doing this? What can we do to stop it?

THE SCOPE OF THE PROBLEM: WHAT IS INCIVILITY?
We will go straight to examples. By no means exhaustive, here are
some categories of incivility we encounter in the scene.

The Empathy Gap: This is subtle, but actually lies behind much
uncivil behavior. Not so much the presence of hatred or dislike, but
an absence of empathy and kindness towards other members of our SM
community. In a better world, we would all actively welcome
strangers, extend cordiality, start up conversations, feel a little
compassion towards others like ourselves. But, more often than not,
people feel nothing in particular towards people they meet in the
scene. This "inner nothingness" sets the stage for much of the
uncivil behavior we find in the scene.

Gossip: We all do it, and yes it can be loads of fun catching up on
all the latest. Plus, gossip serves a valuable purpose when inquiring
about someone you may be interested in playing with. by scene
standards, it is not uncivil to conduct good faith peer review while
inquiring about someone's play style, experience, and reputation. But
gossip conducted with the intent to harm, or passing along dubious or
inflammatory rumors is behavior that hurts the scene. In gossip, as
with other things, there must be some sense of proportion. Gossip can
also violate the confidentiality of individuals, possibly subjecting
them to dangerous and unnecessary risk. Both truth and privacy are
cardinal principals in the scene, and reckless gossip damages both.

Clique Politics: To have a circle of friends is a good thing, but not
when the goal is circling the wagons to shut out people who "don't
fit in" In the same way that benign sharing of information can be
amplified into vicious, destructive gossip, maintaining cliques whose
purpose it is to weaken and ostracize others, hurts the community as
well as the individuals excluded. Ultimately, clique players make so
many enemies that they themselves are resented or unwelcome.

Sweet and Sour: A clique politics tactic: Some people make
extravagant show of how close and loving they are to their circle of
friends, hugs, smiles, introductions glowing compliments, in part too
maximize the sting inflicted against perceived outsiders, who are
refused even the time of day. A stock move among catty sorority girls
during rush week, (the Amish call this shunning) it's embarrassing to
see how many grown men and women use "sweet and sour" to isolate and
hurt individuals whose feelings and esteem they regard as
unimportant. This truly nasty habit creates "us and them" fissures,
that fragment the community, hurt feelings and invite retaliation.

Chicken Hawk Syndrome: With a constant influx of SM beginners, some
attempt to acquire play partners under the guise of "mentoring".
Chicken hawk syndrome includes strong come-ons, boastful presentation
of ones own experience and skill, sometimes in trashing other people,
sometimes attempting to isolate new people from the presence or
influence of others, all in the name of "education", or at least
active attempts to recruit them into their clique of preference.
While there is nothing wrong with expressing interest in someone (new
to the community or not) it is dishonest to couch your interest in
terms of education. For new people we advice you to take your time in
choosing exclusive mentors if you feel the need to do that at all,
and ideally to form relationships with a circle of friends and not to
rely on just one point of view.

SM Psychodrama: High volume yelling matches, absurd conspiracy
mongering, unbridled venom towards community peers...Does any of this
sound familiar? Here's a test: If such behavior would get you fired
from a professional workplace, please leave it at home. Failure to
separate role from reality: We are an imaginative bunch (witness the
number of science fiction fans, and Ren-fair enthusiasts in our
midst) and this is both good and bad. Some take the view that the
scene is a place their fantasy become reality, raising the specter of
unrealistic expectations which can infringe on safety, consent even
sanity. Someone who prides herself on being an unreasonable,
demanding bitch in scene should always watch to draw a line between
what is appropriate in scene and into daily life, even if they
consider themselves "lifestyle".

The Dom=Dickhead syndrome: While some dominants are true artists
cultivating a gourmet's appreciation of pleasure, pain and power,
others are mere peevish control queens, itchy for a chance to
criticize, get belligerent, boss others around. Still others, new to
the community (but not to Gor novels) make the classic error of
equating their sexual dominance with an overbearing, overreaching
manner dominated by virtue of their presence at a SM event.
Regardless of how dominant you are within your consenting
relationships (and more power to ya!), you can no more "assume"
consent in your interactions with others, than you can in an SM
scene. Dominants who assume its okay to boss others around, and
demand subservient treatment, demanded rudely, are making the classic
newbie error of assuming its okay to touch or grab others bodies
without out asking.

The Realness Police: In which everyone assumes that your SM should
closely resemble theirs. Scoffing at scenes for being too mild, too
heavy or too whatever. One particularly odious habit is the loudly
proclaimed belief in those great SM unicorns the "true dom" (" true
doms never bottom...being a true dom means never having to say your
sorry, etc.") or "true submissive" ("If you were a TRUE submissive
you would do X for me, let me do Y to you, take it in stride while I
waltz off and do Z.")

The Imperial-Imperious confusion: Some scene folk, in an effort to
appear imperial (kingly, of high standard, worthy of respect) conduct
themselves in a manner that is imperious (overbearing, bossy,
judgmental). A surprising number of scene-folk begin this confusion
after a few years in the community, as they assume leadership
positions, or when they decide that it is time they were recognized
as authorities, if not superiors. While many feel that imperious
behavior demonstrates expertise, importance and intelligence, in
truth it almost never fails to alienate potential friends and play
partners and make the offender look bad. While pecking order tactics
like these are fine for beings with the intelligence and spiritual
depth of sparrows and chickens, in humans they are shallow, unkind
and run counter to the spirit of "safe sane and consensual."
Furthermore, people will not
continue to support and tolerate people who treat them badly. Even
so, unwise bystanders, occasionally reward this kind of boorishness
with attention and respect, making our collective problem worse. New
people this behavior in community leaders and players of high
prominence and emulate it, believing it to be proper, accepted or
connoting high status.

Expert-itus: (a variant of the previous point) the state of confusing
ones own expertise with the ability to pick nits, and find faults in
other people's play, demeanor, protocol, motives. While sharing scene
knowledge is generally a good thing, it can be, and often is,
overdone. Go easy on the free advice.

WHY DO WE DO IT?
In fairness, we don't want to suggest that leather folk are inherently
rude people. The scene, as wonderful as it can be, contains many
subtle and seldom discussed "stress factors" that contribute to
uncivil behavior. Like water over a stone, these stress factors wear
on the nerves year after year, thus setting the stage for impatience,
irritation, depression and the empathy deficit we have already
discussed.

The scene is a small world, and quarters are close, closer than we
might like sometimes. Because BDSM is an interest that selects at
random, we often find ourselves spending a lot of time with people we
might not otherwise choose as friends.

The scene is an intensely intimate place, we express our inner
fantasies and fears, sometimes share partners, see each other nude,
watch each other cum...Is it any wonder people are sensitive about
how we are treated by others?

Because these practices are incredibly diverse, we find themselves in
the occasional presence of activities that make us uncomfortable. The
scene is a strange place and it takes a while to adjust. (And some
things you may never get used to.)

The pressures of closeting: The pressure of maintaining a secret
life, of hiding your leather life from friends, colleagues, and
family adds a constant overlay of tension to daily life. Scene folk
have to manage the presence of fetish contraband including toys,
clothes, literature and erotica whose discovery might be
catastrophic. The risk, real or perceived, can encompass loss of
employment, of friends, of family, even custody of ones' kids.

Jealousy, loneliness and competition for partners are facts of life.
People without play partners may become unhappy or angry. People seen
as getting more than their share can trigger insecurity and
resentment. Even people with partners may see threats around every
corner.

The scene, like any fringe group, attracts its share of eccentrics
and outcasts, some fascinating and agreeable, others less so.
Newcomer naïveté??: New people unacquainted to the scene's protocols
occasionally touch, grab or conduct themselves in an inappropriate
manner. Although individuals typically learn to deport themselves
over time, the constant influx of newcomers means newcomer naïveté? is
a constant, grating issue.

The realities of the party circuit: It is a hard fact of scene life
is that most parties are private and their invite lists finite. For
every guest invited there are twenty left outside. The guest list is
dictated by what the hosts can afford, their circle of friendships,
the size of their home and many other factors. But it still stings to
hear about a party without getting an invite. And it happens all the
time.

EMAIL (the medium of choice for many SM participants) : Without a
friendly face or modulations of human speech, text encounters can be
easily misstated/misunders tood. Couple that with the sometimes blunt
writing style of emailers everywhere, the added gravity of the
written word and the ease of escalating a private remark into public
rebuke with a misplaced keystroke, and you've got the makings for an
online food fight.

SOME THOUGHTS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO TO FIX IT
One of the more sobering aspects of the list above, is that there
really are no easy solutions to any of these problems. The scene is
small, people are sensitive, invite lists are short, and we really do
have some truly eccentric people who will continue to behave
eccentrically. But there is room for hope. We do a good job of
establishing, and enforcing, play standards to make SM safe and hot.
We are improving all the time as educators of play practices. But,
interpersonal conduct outside of the SM encounter itself, has not
been made a priority and its probably time it should be. We must
recognize civility (defined in part by the examples in this report)
as a threat to the health of our community, and commit ourselves as
individuals, to improving our own behavior first. We must extend
civility, decency, care and concern beyond our personal circle to
members of the community at large. This doesn't mean we have to be
everyone's bosom bud, but that concern for others is a priority
instead of the non-issue it is for many at present. We are not
talking about sainthood or communism here. The goal is not to stand
around a campfire in a ring, holding hands singing Kumbaya. But if we
all improve our behavior, and extend our compassion by ten percent,
we will be living in a completely transformed universe. Secondly,
through mentoring and our education programs, we must elevate
civility as a requirement for our leaders and citizens. While scene
etiquette (a subset of civility), is an SM staple, it deals mainly
with deportment, protocols and standards of interaction, and doesn't
address the deeper issues of cultivating compassion, tolerance and
awareness, towards our SM brethren. These are tougher ethics-driven
issues often without simple answers. And, though vocal, it is a
minority of scene-folk who do the worst of this callous behavior.
Most want a scene that is friendly and supportive. Many are willing
to work to make it so (hopefully you too if you've read this far).
And though the gossips, scolds and assholes among us often succeed in
hurting their intended targets (and incidentally, our community),
their greatest causalities
are ultimately their own reputations. Remember that we are all
brothers and sisters in a community no matter how diverse. If we
behave like we care about and support one other, we will all find
ourselves, by definition, in an environment that is more caring and
supportive. Improved civility should presented as causal to the
following desirable conditions: stability of friendships; respect of
peers; trust of potential play partners (civility means stability);
strengthens ones personal network of contacts; supports the position
that SM is practiced by sane, well adjusted people; elevates fairness
and justice (which are eternal) as the coin of the realm as opposed
to popularity and bureaucratic clout (which are fleeting and can
vanish at any moment); strengthens the community and makes it
healthier; raises the comfort quotient for newcomers.

A PROPOSED APPROACH: EXTEND SSC INTO INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Strive as individuals and organizations to extend "safe, sane, and
consensual" into the arena of interpersonal conduct. So lets turn the
laser beam of SSC onto our civility concerns and see what it tells
us: Uncivil behavior is nonconsensual: Unless assured, otherwise good
manners and general kindness should be the coin of the realm. To do
less is to engage someone without their consent. Doms should restrict
their dominance to those who have consented to it. Submissives who
pester others with unsolicited subservience are likewise in
violation. And nonconsensual dominance in the name of "mentoring"
doesn't wash either. Gossips and scolds should likewise consider
their behavior in terms of consent. Subjecting someone to a tongue
lashing or a gossip campaign is really no better than drawing out a
flogger and hammering away at them without warning. Uncivil behavior
is not safe: Cruel, thoughtless behavior can damage hurt people,
deeply, for as long time, and that cannot be called safe. In the same
way that humiliation can be more damaging than physical pain, the
emotional harm inflicted from
incivility may far exceed what you intend. Unsolicited advice can
come across as cutting, and judgmental. Incivility also sets a
diminished community standard for others to follow, making incivility
more acceptable and social environment suffers often scaring mature
decent people away, and can in time bring a group to its knees. Small
acts of rudeness, or disregard, even if only perceived as such can
balloon up into clique wars.

And if the well being of your intended victim means nothing to you,
consider this: If you make trouble for people, chances are it will
come back to haunt you later on. People have a way of reciprocating
behavior. Be nice and people will be nice back. Be a jackass and
that's how others will see AND speak of you. This is a small world
and if you screw someone, you are handing them a motive to get you
back later. Even if you are queen of the in-clique at present, no one
controls the future and, over time, the leather gods have a way of
evening things out. The community is close, memory is long, and
paybacks are a bitch. For this reason alone, uncivil behavior is
unsafe to you.

Uncivil behavior is not even all that sane: For years many of us felt
we were solitary freaks before finding this community. To reinforce
feelings of rejection in our brothers and sisters by deliberately
withholding human decency, or subjecting them to deliberate hardship,
is just not defensible. People who find themselves helpless to resist
clashing with or inflicting imperious behavior on their scene
fellows, would do well to begin some serious soul searching and
perhaps seeking out the help they need. A lot of uncivil behavior is
retaliatory. Someone does something that hurts or offends you
prompting an aggressive response. Unfortunately this may be exactly
how it looks to the person you just dissed. If you find that your
actions and behavior are building up to a feud, it is a great idea to
apologize for your
part in the situation and disengage from the conflict. Furthermore,
the long term gains from uncivil behavior are so meager, and the
costs so high that it really does not pay for people who hope to stay
in the community for some time. (Even if they win a short term
victory.)

APHORISMS
Taking care of your community. Take care of its members. Agree to
disagree. you don't have to dis just because you dislike. Civility
demonstrates stability. Piss off a bigot; be nice to a leather
person. Imperious does not mean imperial. SSC is always in effect,
whether or not a scene is in progress. Resist the urge to reward
slanderous gossip with your attention and involvement -it's not
consensual, and not safe, even it's sanity is questionable. Tithe:
give ten percent more in kindness appreciation gratitude,
forgiveness. Never assume. Never assume Consent. SM does not stand
for Super Man - nobody is perfect and everyone makes Mistakes. Be
willing to concede the point if you have been uncivil. Being willing
to fess up, and apologize, makes you stronger, not weaker. Always try
to be the voice of sanity and reason. Incivility is uncivil, whatever
the excuse. Try to maintain perspective. Maintain a healthy sense of
humor. True wealth is the ability to give kindness. Never forget your
pleasure. Acceptance is voluntary, tolerance is mandatory.

Sadomasochism Isn't What It Used to Be

2008-01-23T11:00:00.000-08:00

Sadomasochism Isn't What It Used to Be or
Why Would Anyone Participate in S/M
By Keith Kendrick, RN, Ch.

NOTE: Keith Kendrick is a Portland, Oregon Top who wrote the following essay. Pemission to reprint this is freely granted, but please email him at Keith and let him know.

In major American cities today small groups of otherwise relatively normal people get together to discuss, and to a lesser extent practice, S/M. But wait a minute -- doesn't S/M mean one person who enjoys deliberately inflicting pain on another person who, for some reason, likes receiving that pain?

The answer certainly is yes, but to understand why these people gather to discuss and practice S/M, you first need to understand the difference between the old, traditional mainstream concept of sadism and masochism and the newer concept of S/M that is currently being practiced in a healthy manner. In the old concept, a sadist was usually someone who enjoyed inflicting pain on a person who had not consented to it, and a masochist was someone who felt compelled to experience the pain though it was usually considered "sick" to enjoy it. Furthermore, these participants usually had a significant psychological imbalance or disorder, and their S/M activities quite often could easily cause long term harm, both physically and mentally.

The people who gather today to form small communities and even clubs devoted to S/M enthusiasts are very different from this old concept. Before discussing this difference though, let's examine the perception and image of pain. When most people think of pain, they attach very negative connotations to it, and the more negative the connotation, the more likely they are to think the experience of pain is awful. However, in some cultures the stoic endurance of pain has been viewed as a character builder, and consequently in such cultures it is not always thought of as something bad. In a similar vein, in medical "pain clinics" people are taught to change their thinking towards pain so that the "hurt" doesn't bother them as much. Many of these pain clinic patients also report that as a result of creating a new attitude towards dealing with physical pain, they have made similar attitude changes and corresponding improvements in other aspects of their lives as well.

Another facet of pain is found in the "runners high," which also occurs in some other sports activities. In this type of "high," as a result of exhausting physical exertion people experience muscle pain that causes the body to produce endorphins, which is a natural pain-killing response. Endorphins are similar to morphine and produce pleasurable euphoric feelings. They are also a significant factor in why some people can discover pleasure in feeling pain, but there are other factors as well.

Now back to the new versus the old concept of S/M. In contrast to the old concept, this new S/M has come to emphasize the motto of "Safe, Sane, and Consensual." This means that the S/M "play" is done in such a manner that will not cause or transmit any long term physically disabling injury or disease. Foremost is the concern with disabling muscle, skeletal or nerve injury, and the transmission of hepatitis and AIDS's viruses as well as other diseases.

Secondly, this means that the S/M play is to be engaged in by participants who are free of significant mental impairment, whether by psychological disturbance or disorder, or by mind-altering substances.

Then each participant must willingly consent to whatever S/M activity that is performed. If during an S/M "play scene" one person indicates he or she wishes to stop, whether through a prearranged signal or an outright request, then the other person must stop immediately. Of course this requires prior communication--and people who don't communicate well usually don't do well in this type of S/M.

One element of the contemporary S/M scene is also associated with the safe, sane and consensual motto: respect and tolerance for other people. Most people in S/M communities act with respect towards each other even though they may dislike certain aspects of some members-- this is what is meant by tolerance. Those who don't follow this implicit rule are usually quite effectively ostracized from the group. About the only time tolerance is not shown is when someone engages in activities that are not regarded as safe, sane, and consensual, or when someone expresses hate or hostility based on unjust discrimination.

Something else also occurs due to the growth of S/M communities: their members form close relationships and often these relationships become somewhat spiritual in nature, much as the bonds that develop between "churchgoers" can enrich their spiritual lives.

Another development in this new S/M is the spiritual growth from an individual perspective, whether from that of the giver (the "top") or the receiver (the "bottom"). This spiritual development occurs as a result of learning greater self-mastery, either in the sense of developing the ability to administer pain in such a manner that ultimately provides pleasure, or in the sense of learning to approach pain as a challenge to meet and come to enjoy. Sometimes these two perspectives will be combined in one person (who is indeed fortunate) in his or her ability to "switch" between "top" and "bottom" roles. And sometimes the development of this self- mastery becomes a varying combination of artistic and athletic expression, though it usually would be judged extreme by our cultural norms.

But regardless of whether one is a top, bottom, or switch, the accompanying inner growth brings a sense of satisfaction and sometimes real joy. Then when such personal growth is shared with someone of a similar mind in an S/M play setting, and you know you are enriching the other persons psychic/spiritual life, the energy between the two people is multiplied in a synergistic effect known as a "power exchange." This synergy is further enhanced when the power exchange takes place among like-minded members of the S/M community.

There are also other reasons why people are attracted to this relatively new style of S/M. Some people enjoy its rebellious quality of going against society's taboos and cultural norms. For many the allure of S/M would be significantly reduced if the majority of people were openly practicing it. But there probably isn't much need to worry about this happening in the near future. And by no means insignificant, the thrill of doing something that goes against cultural norms, as well as the stimulation of pain itself, can cause the body to produce extra adrenaline that can be very exhilarating.

Furthermore, for many people the practice of this contemporary S/M leads to what many psychologists refer to as "flow." This is a pleasurable and virtually universally sought after psychological experience in which a person is so immersed in his or her experience that to a great extent the "self" is forgotten and time becomes significantly altered, and the person feels enriched from the experience. This is similar to the flow experience that artists and athletes often experience. And just as extreme sports enthusiasts such as skydivers and motorcycle racers often experience this enriching state of being, so do practitioners of this new blend of art and sport called S/M.

Though this style of S/M may be an extreme in comparison to most of what society enjoys, rather than being "sick," as some people who have narrow minds would call it, it can lead to a multifaceted enrichment of one's spirituality. Lastly though, safe, sane and consensual S/M is simply fun--or at least it should be. If you don't enjoy it, you shouldn't be doing it. But if you don't enjoy it--which is fine, not everyone needs to--please be opened minded enough to allow others the freedom to enrich their lives with it. After all, the individual's freedom to pursue happiness is the foundation that our country was built on.

Copyright © 2000 by Keith L. Kendrick.

History in the Making

2007-09-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

You want to learn about BDSM?
Most folks start with "technical" learning- how to throw a flogger, tie a knot, toss a whip. They want to get their hands on the pain of it all. They want to make a partner sweat and scream.

Going back in time to know the history of what it is that we do is also important. There's lots of great fiction and graphics to be had, and learning where human sexuality has been- and who has felt the need to suppress it and US- is a very interesting trail.

Adult porn- with or without the spice- really came into it's own on the east coast, and the fashionable place for the average stranger to pick up trash was TIMES SQUARE.

A world of adult material awaited you there, just under the edge of "respectability"- and the counter.

" During the 1950s and early 60s, the most notorious pornographer on the Deuce was Edward Mishkin. He owned outright several stores (Harmony, Midget, the Little Book Exchange, Kingsley Book Shop, Esther, and Main Stem), and was silent partner in others.

His headquarters was Publisher’s Outlet; at least, that is where, in August 1962, a sailor from the Queen Mary arrived with a key to a Times Square IRT station locker. He asked for Eddie, who wasn't there. He gave the clerk the key and said “Here’s something for you from the boys in England.” The locker, Customs agents determined, contained twelve copies of a British magazine entitled Thrashed in Many Ways.

Sadomasochistic and fetish books, photos and magazines were a facet of erotica which Times Square democratized. Before World War II, the material was available in booksellers’ back rooms, and of course to the wealthy, trusted customers of Manhattan’s high hat dealers.

The Mishkins, the Browns, the Shapiros and the Finkelsteins made it available to the hoi polloi–through the mails, despite the risk of federal prosecution-- not just in bookstores. So did Lee Brewster at Lee’s Mardi Gras, a large second-floor store on 10th Ave. between 41st and 42nd.

Thus the swelling moral indignation from the clergy at Holy Cross Church and from Operation Yorkville, an influential East Side organization. "

" The Kefauver subcommittee investigating the effects of obscenity on juvenile delinquency subpoenaed Mishkin in 1955, as they did Irving Klaw, a publisher whose fetish photos included thousands of those of the era’s super model, Bettie Page. Both men’s photo sets and booklet-sized illustrated stories, with their themes of flagellation, bondage, transvestitism, and passive men forced into women’s clothing, were alleged to “get into the hands of small limited minds, and they . . . [get] worked up to a fever pitch, and some poor soul is the victim. Do You get what I am saying?” The words are those of those of the judge sentencing Mishkin for smuggling in those copies of Thrashed in Many Ways."

" Mishkin, Klaw, and other booksellers to whom they distributed their materials, not only in New York but throughout the East Coast, did not get it. In 1957, Miskin’s Nights of Horror booklets caused a major outbreak of indignation in Mayor Robert Wagner’s New York."

"Five bookstores were forced to surrender their copies. In 1960, powerful D. A. Frank S. Hogan,whose boiling point regarding erotica was just above absolute zero, prepared a 198-count indictment against Mishkin, calling him “the largest producer and purveyor of pornographic material in the U. S.” After that, most of the retail outlets to which Mishkin and Klaw distributed may have restricted sales of the materials to trusted adult customers.

Mishkin was convicted in 1962, but he persisted. Klaw did too, albeit only for a few more years."

( One of the side-stapled, typewritten booklets used (with over 70 others) as evidence in People v. Mishkin, 1960 (over 70 were cited). This one is about flagellation and female domination; others featured lesbianism, bondage, and torture, and clothing fetishes. The prosecuting attorney argued that such material "deal[s] with the most vicious type of physical abuse in which human dignity is completely besmirched; all morality is done away with.")

Most kinksters are aware of Betty Page- but not much more, and they dismiss her as a sweet model that did some light bondage. But the underground adult publishing industry kept alive the fetish and kink side of sex, giving thousands outlets that were no where else to be found in squeeky clean America between the wars and into the 60's.

From the Gertzma pages:" In the late Forties, Allan Wilson and his partner, Aaron Moses (“Moe”) Shapiro, were the editors of the Jack Woodford Press....(books) sold especially well in drug stores and near army bases, as well as in general shops in Times Square and other cities. The titles alone--How Rough Can it Get (Weiss), Pawn (Nichols), Illicit, Here Is My Body, Savage Honeymoon".

Well, that will get you started.
Inquiring minds can google their way through history and follow the sordid, righteously WRONG paths that reformers, parishoners, parents, judges, and a host of other cliques have forged in attempts to stop adults from thinking about and wanting to see sex acts, BDSM, and fetish erotica.

Most of the time, they have made false correlations between something they find objectionable and some social trend and illegal activity (marijuana and rape, comics and juvenile delinquency, fetish and pedophilia, bondage and homosexuality, SM and abuse of women, etc).

We just ask that you think for yourself, grow as a sexual being, and enjoy yourselves without harming others non-consentually.

Web sites quoted include
http://www.reefermadnessteachingmuseum.org/pulpfictionbooks.htm
http://www.glbtq.com/arts/pulp_paperbacks.html
http://home.earthlink.net/~jgertzma/BkshopsofTimesSq/twopariah.html
http://www.glbtq.com/literature/erotica_pornography.html
http://www.cocacs.org/sbiblicalmorality.htm
http://www0.epinions.com/content_258939850372
http://www.cocacs.org/sin.htm
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0812234936/qid%3D933281773/002-4517248-0448605

http://home.earthlink.net/%7Ejgertzma/booksite/index.html
http://www.jahsonic.com/IrvingKlaw.html
http://links.jstor.org/sici?sici=0004-3249(199221)51%3A1%3C22%3AUPCWIT%3E2.0.CO%3B2-5
http://home.earthlink.net/~jgertzma/BkshopsofTimesSq/bobsbargain.html
http://www.hrc.utexas.edu/research/fa/crews.series.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lesbian_pulp_fiction
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9903E6D61439F931A25752C
1A963958260&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=print
http://home.earthlink.net/~jgertzma/BkshopsofTimesSq/hardcore.html
http://muse.jhu.edu/login?uri=/journals/american_quarterly/v057/57.2keller.html
http://books.google.com/books?id=wJfVKmVVR6YC&amp;amp;amp;pg=
PA51&lpg=PA51&dq=publisher+pornographic+material+1950's&source=web&ots=
LmV1Pwr4jm&sig=lXxC94M-zFdNTrWOwKWt9dkF-HM
http://www.spectacle.org/cs/holly.html
http://muse.jhu.edu/demo/steinbeck_review/v003/3.1hoffstedt.html
http://www.glbtq.com/literature/erotica_pornography,9.html
http://www.drcarnesrecoveryzone.org/category/porography-debate/feed/
http://www.msvu.ca/library/collpollespulp.asp
http://www.cbldf.org/research/bibliography.html
http://links.jstor.org/sici?sici=0042-0220(1962)14%3A2%3C229%3AOCAJD%3E2.0.CO%3B2-4
http://www.enotes.com/1950-arts-american-decades/gathings-committee
http://www.springerlink.com/content/48577n4164524n65/
http://72.14.253.104/search?q=cache:I5sAh_zAKvMJ:www.umu.se/kvf/aktuellt/
ppf/karnberg.pdf+publisher+pornographic+material+1950%27s&amp;amp;
amp;hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=60&gl=us&client=firefox-a
http://books.google.com/books?id=LNTS4rmCO9kC&pg=PA66&lpg=PA66&dq=
publisher+pornographic+material+1950's&source=web&ots=8hEw2AAg
D5&sig=522vICpfNUf4Kuw7Lv4q3sjrNuQ
http://www.perrysklaw.com/plaw/loundy_dir/docs/lndytxtk.html

How to build a Girl

2007-08-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

The Official BI Flag

2007-07-16T05:47:00.001-07:00

Thu, 21 Jun 2007

2007-06-28T13:08:00.000-07:00

Often we are trapped by this idea of compassion
Kindness, humanity, empathy, respect, these are the demons we must overcome
Let us remember, only through sadism and cruelty can we find enlightenment and peace
certainly there must be some concern for the welfare and mental stability of the bottom, but should that be our responsibility?? I think not!
Once you allow the red haze of cruelty to cloud your eyes, avoid these dangerous concepts of kindness and concern, they only get in the way, trust the dark voices, trust yourself, trust Alebeard, all others are only out to get you, O yes my minions, they want to destroy you, don't go into the light! never go into the light!
Revel in the madness!
May the screams of others wash away the pain!

Alebeard
A Leader in the cuteness industry
~~~~~
(FYI- the charming gentleman has given me carte blanche to repost at will, and i have a will).

2007-04-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

Places abound on the net to learn things, and it's not always easy to find links (yeah, sure, riiiight!).

A variety of of BDSM subjects by various authors, including a few bay area locals.
Iron Rose Library
http://www.iron-rose.com/IR/library.htm

http://www.sexuality.org/

http://www.bdsmrealm.net/modules.php?name=Magazine&file=article&sid=273

http://www.chastity-uk.co.uk/History.htm

http://www.edmontonosociety.org/bdsmglossary.htm

http://www.theleatherjournal.com/lj/

http://www.mastersteelow.com/about/bdsm/bondage-and-sprituality.shtml

http://www.sm-arts.com/

http://www.bondageblog.com/

http://www.1tantra.com/links.html

http://www.cufsnorth.org/Old/links.htm

http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdlinks.html

http://www.alebeard.net/blogs/

2007-03-26T22:42:00.000-07:00

Acid Tests for True Dominants

Introduction

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible before you even meet in person.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

Step One: Do the Math

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of real (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online have to be fakes. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. But don’t waste your time either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

Step Two: Know Your Enemy

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your enemy. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Real BDSM is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t need, like medical bills and other assorted headaches.

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply sexually promiscuous. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won't make demands on there sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the lingo. The are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are basically obsessed with control of everything around them, especially the people in their lives. They want all their family, friends, and even coworkers to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the opposite of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 BDSM relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all take your time getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him, because you will feel more comfortable during that first scene. Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play ‘hard to get.’

Step 3: Know your goal!

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. So arm yourself with knowledge! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the dos and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that that it’s your ass that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you are in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing to you!

Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are often strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in intimate situations. It’s a respite from the way we live our everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don't look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.

Above all, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A real Dominant isn’t likely to make ‘demands’ until its time to play.

Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!” is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.” This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]” This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

Test #5: “I don't have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It’s literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

Test #6: “It’s my way or the highway!” or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it’s your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s always lady’s choice!

Test #7: Don't bother with online collars. Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste much time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is no. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he says ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

Test #9: “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]” Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he’s likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

Test #10: “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.” Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom’s level of experience (and it’s a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year-old boys don’t care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using clearacil?

Test #11: Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it’s considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM Scene it’s the opposite, experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

Test #12: “I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them.” Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking together. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

Test #13: “I don't need safe words.” Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

Test #14: “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.” If you hear a ‘Dom’ say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here: You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real BDSM.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

In Closing

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real life BDSM? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

GLOSSARY

BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism (B&D + D/s + S&M = BDSM). It is meant to be an all-inclusive term for these related erotic fetishes.

B&D – abbr. for Bondage and Discipline.

Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.

Credo, The – (a.. k. a. the BDSM Motto) The BDSM Credo is usually taken to be “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” All of these ideals are generally considered to be of equal importance and interdependent. It is worth noting that the Credo’s definition of Sanity, rather than delving into psychology, goes thus: The only Sane reason to do BDSM is for the mutual enjoyment of all people involved.

Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal.

D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant.

Dominant - (i.e. Sexual Dominant) A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate erotic encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme - abbr. or slang for a (usually female) sexual Dominant.

HNG - acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit - something that either partner in a BDSM relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning BDSM play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master - A title of honor for a (usually male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Sir, Lord, and Daddy, etc.

Mistress - A title of honor for a (usually female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Ma’am, Lady, and Momma, etc.

S&M or S/m - abbr. for Sadism & Masochism, or Sadomasochism.

Safe Word - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to setting up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do these things when going on a blind date!

Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli. Such stimuli outside the context of a consensual or erotic experience are not usually enjoyable to a sexual masochist.

Sexual Sadist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it enjoyable.

Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant. Alternatively used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for submissives that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Similar titles include, boy, girl, or sissy, etc.

Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive.

Submissive – (i.e. Sexual Submissive) A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage, and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene - slang for relating to BDSM. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of BDSM. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually (but not always) for a female submissive.

Vanilla - slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to BDSM and similar fetishes.

Victim - a victim of abuse that claims to be in a BDSM “lifestyle” to rationalize/legitimize their tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real life practitioner of BDSM, while actually having little or no practical experience.

DrSpankenstein@AOL.com
All rights reserved.

Foods of Love

2007-03-19T00:56:00.000-07:00

Since the first lowly lover watched his passionate other drift off, we have searched for aphrodisiacs to guide us and bring us love, lust, and togetherness.

This site has some great information starting with
"The History of Aphrodisiacs"

http://www.locus1.com/fdr/aph/history.htm# and moving through the foods themselves, spices, and even receipes. My favorite is of course:

"Cantharides
Cantharis vesicatoria (Spanish fly)Spanish fly doesn't actually come from a fly. It is made from the cantharides beetle, also called the blister beetle. The name comes from an intense irritant they generate as a defense mechanism. The beetles are collected, killed, dried and powdered, and the result is called Spanish fly.Cantharides, being a natural inflammatory agent, can burn the mouth and throat and cause abdominal pain, vomiting, diarrhea and kidney damage even in small doses. It also strongly irritates the genito-urinary tract, and sex is one way to calm that itch. The stories regarding medical application of cantharides would be listed as "not to be believed," except that they are true. In 1752 a Frenchman was prescribed 2 drams of cantharides for a fever and in the next two months bedded his wife at least 87 times. Another man with a similar prescription "knew his wife", as the Bible puts it, 40 times in one night.As little as one thousandth of an ounce of the active chemical in cantharides is sufficient to cause kidney failure and death, making it one of the most dangerous substances ever to be associated with sexuality. It is classified medically as a Class One poison and a blistering agent. Fortunately, it is also illegal nearly worldwide. "

This site is LOADED with good stuff. Please check them out (click on Title link or photograph).

2007-03-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Starting Down The Road
author unknown

OK, so you've decided you're kinky, and you want to try something in real life. Congratulations on taking that step. But before you go out, make sure you're ready. There's a lot to learn...safewords, negotiating scenes, where to hit, how to hit, how to use some of the toys, keeping it safe, sane and consensual. I'm not going to get into that...there are others who can do that so much better than I can. There are webpages and books devoted to safety. The information is there, and easy to find.

What I do have to offer is one piece of advice that can make the difference between a good scene and a bad one. A recommendation that applies to dominants, submissives, and switches equally. Know yourself before you start to play. That may sound so trite, but it is true. And there is no way you will know everything about yourself that you need to when you take this up in real life. But there are certain things you should have an idea of already.

Be aware of your limits, your triggers, and your fears. Know what gets you going, whether it's a little humiliation or severe thud...what is it you fantasize about? Where is your head at? Are you carrying a lot of emotional baggage with you? That should be dealt with before getting into anything like this (trust me, I'm the voice of experience on that one). You need to be able to leave the past behind you. Can you differentiate play from abuse? That's something to be careful of, there's a fine line there that absolutely can not be crossed. My rule of thumb for abuse is if your partner knows it is not enjoyable for you in the least, yet persists in doing it, it's become abuse.

Are you ready to say STOP or whatever word you have agreed to use if things get too intense? You may never have to use the safeword, but you do have to feel comfortable enough with yourself that you will, should the occasion arise. Are you prepared to set limits on what you are able to do? It's better to say I don't know how to do this, or I don't want to do that than to end up hurting yourself or someone else. Naiveté is so much easier to live with than guilt. Keep in mind that you need to be strong to play the humiliation game. Even if it's only verbal humiliation, you need to be able to end that thinking once the scene is over. Are you comfortable enough, self- assured enough to let someone call you names and degrade you without losing self-esteem? That's something you need to know.

Most BDSM relationships, even play-only relationships rely on both parties being open and honest with each other...that's how trust evolves. Are you comfortable sharing yourself with another person? There's something else you need to know about yourself. Your mindset has a lot to do with how you play. If you're working things out in your head in the middle of a scene, you won't be able to focus on what is being done. Not paying attention is how people get hurt. Knowing yourself means being secure in who you are, and accepting what you are. It means being able to break free of the way society has programmed you to respond, and daring to think for yourself. It means being strong in your submission. It means being gentle in your domination. It's common sense, it's being considerate of your partner. It means using your head, something we all should do a bit more of.

Video Killed the Radio Star

2007-02-26T14:38:00.000-08:00

Seen any Good video's lately?

Places keep appearing all over the web for great video watching-- adult as well as just plain fun.

So, try these spots:

http://www.yourporntube.com/Video/show_vid.php?vid=1602#actionsDiv -Here's one already loaded to get you "rolling" as you cruise.

http://pornotube.com/media.php?m=151911 -This one also is "preloaded" to give you a "head start" on that adult video trip.

http://www.shufuni.com/ is a nice place with some anime for adults.

The CLASSIC site for anything BUT adult content is still far and away http://www.youtube.com/ although the newcomer is gaining rapidly at http://video.google.com/ and the ever non-popular http://video.yahoo.com/.

The new "host your vid" sites are populating the web quickly. Try http://www.zippyvideos.com/ , http://www.bolt.com/, http://www.flurl.com/upload , http://www.porkolt.com/, www.funpic.hu & http://www.xtube.com/warning.php to get you warmed up.

Remeber- don't link up from work, your web site cruising IS being recorded by the boss- and maybe THIS one doesn't care- but the next one might:)

Have fun, turn off the TV.

Sex Toys

2007-02-26T14:14:00.000-08:00

Ah... the joy of Toys.
Taking something and using it on someone else- with their total consent and even a touch of begging!
As you can see from the hand print of Strong Eagle on meat... anything- even your own body parts- becomes a fun and dangerous weapon if you use it right (in this case, right THROUGH the jeans).

There are "pro" BDSM toy pages, wanderlust trips through Home Depot (name your favorite building supply store there), and anything in the kitchen.

i wasn't however aware that vanilla old About.com had gone quite so far into "specialty" pages until now:
http://sexuality.about.com/od/sextoys/Sex_Toys.htm

With commentary pages from the chemical make up of "toys" : "There have been a number of news items recently about toxic sex toys, specifically related to the use of phthalates in sex toys. Unfortunately headlines about killer sex toys often fail to give us the information we actually need to make decisions about whether or not we should use sex toys that contain phthalates in them. Here is some basic information about phthalates, and their use in sex toy manufacturing.
What are phthalates?
Phthalates are a chemical compound used to soften hard plastics into soft rubber and jelly. Derived from Phthalic acid, and often called a plasticizer for its plastic softening properties, phthalates have been produced since the 1920’s and have been used in everything from perfumes to pesticides and, of course, sex toys.
Why are phthalates used to manufacture sex toys?
Phthalates soften the rubbers and make sex toys have a soft cushy feel to them. They are used in a wide range of sex toys, but there are many other toys that are phthalate free.
Should I worry about phthalates in my sex toys? ....

" to articles about Myths of Sex toys : "Myth: Sex toys are only for people who have a bad sex life, or no sex life", and "Myth: The more you pay for a sex toy, the better it is ", this site is full of useful tips and cute lines such as:
" Those people who would rather us not use sex toys at all come up with a variety of arguments for why they are bad. They’re addictive, their weird, and if you use them you can ruin yourself for “real sex”. For starters, “real sex” is any kind of sex you’re having or thinking about having. Also, there is no evidence whatsoever that sex toys can damage or harm your sexual sensitivity or genitalia. Of course you could always poke out an eye if you don’t use your sex toy properly, but the same is true of your can opener, and no one’s telling you to throw that away."

Other pages at About deal with How to Find a Good Sex Shop, Personal Lubricants, and one of our favorites, Homemade Sex Toys . The main author, Cory Silverberg, is a genuis at navigating the kink world of toys, especially the cheaper ways to play.
Enjoy.

2007-02-12T16:00:00.000-08:00

The first time man knew that there was more than air, wind and water, was when the sky opened up and brought electricity.

Dark, mysterious, unfairly cruel when it landed without warning, it brought the idea of fire- and, with time, survival. Now, man had warmpth-and a way to cook the meat,and see at night.
Electricity started out so simple, hu? Of course, somewhere between heat and light and simple applicances we branched off to the less "important" uses.....and eventually got around to all the sick things you can do for sexual gratification.
Now of course, we have lots of places to find out about harnessing the sky.
http://www.violetwand.org/violet_wands_tens_units.htm

http://www.londonfetishscene.com/wipi/index.php/TENS

http://www.backdrop.net/sm201/index.php?title=Tens_Units

And of course, our own loveable camel jockey, my personal favorite for the title of "most perverted relative", Uncle Abdul:
http://www.uncleabdul.com/UAweb1007.htm

Get yourself some exstention cords, make sure the plugs are close by, SLOW DOWN as you learn, and try not to set the cave on fire, OK?

2007-02-07T08:41:00.000-08:00

Education often seeps far beyond the perameters we 'assume' in any subject.

Today, we discuss a little history.
Most of us know the history of the USA, or the history of the Leather movement, or the history of our family.
Have you ever considered the history of sex?
This is a condom. Probably the oldest one in existance.
Never thought of Neaderthals making sheaths hu.
But somehow, even way back then, mankind (or it's off shoots) knew that there was a connection between what got shot out of a dick and ended up in a cunt (and vice versa!).
Birth control? Disease issue? Some guy who hated blood but didn't want to wait 5 days a month?
There is no written explanation for it, so we might never know.

Keynote Speech for the NCSF 2006

2006-10-31T21:53:00.000-08:00

UNITY

Chuck Renslow’s Keynote Speech at the NCSF Annual Coalition Partner Meeting
September 8th, 2006

Good Evening Brothers and Sisters in kink. I am honored and pleased to stand here before you as your 2006 keynote speaker. It is an honor to have been selected to address this assembly. Let’s face it, there are a lot of kinky people out there, and surely you could have asked someone else, but you selected me, and that is an honor. It goes without saying; I am very, very pleased to be here. I am also pleased because YOU (NCSF Coalition) are here … an organization is only as strong as it’s membership. Without the strong support of its members, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom would fail. With your strong support AND your refusal to quit, we can only succeed.

We’re in Chicago, Illinois, the heartland of the Midwest (the conservative Midwest) and we’re here in Chicago at the Leather Archives & Museum … the ONLY physical institution in the BD/SM world. Where else would be more appropriate for this gathering? The very existence of the Leather Archives & Museum stands as a testament to the determination and commitment of the fetish community. Founded in 1990 - in my basement - today the Leather Archives and Museum is a non-profit profit, tax exempt, 503c corporation. Our continually growing collection now contains over 10 thousand books, over one thousand pieces of original kink art and many oral histories of exceptional kink people. Today, the Leather Archives and Museum owns this building out right. No mortgage, no debt. The Leather Archives and Museum is a success.

There are many reasons for our success, not the least of which is that strong membership base I spoke of … and a strong, diverse and committed board of directors. I think one of the prime reasons we’ve become established and accepted ... one of the main reasons that the Leather Archives and Museum IS a success, is that we are inclusive. From its inception, the Leather Archives and Museum has been committed to documenting and preserving the entire history of the BD/SM Leather community as a whole, and to include materials relative to ALL of the leather communities regardless of gender, orientation or time period. We strive for UNITY.

Unity comes from Harmony. It is the strength and support of all institutions. Without unity, resources are wasted, efforts thwarted and action duplicated. WITH unity comes added energy, increased resources and doubled – not duplicated – efforts. It doesn’t seem possible that today – six years into the new millennium – we’d still be stressing the need for unity, but that’s the topic of my speech.

Unity, we need it. We won’t succeed without it, and we’d better build it now, because tomorrow may be too late. Unity is necessary for success and, ladies and gentlemen, it does NOT exist in the Fetish communities. Not really… not yet. Oh, to be sure, there are a few organizations, like the Leather Archives and Museum, International Mr. and Ms. Leathers, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and Leather Sins, who encourage and include a diverse membership, but these organizations are few and far between. For the most part, the BD/SM Leather Fetish people of the world stay firmly entrenched in their own little communities. They remain oblivious to each other, often almost oblivious to themselves.

Historically, one’s appetite for kink, kinky behavior, fetishes and desires were held close to the belt. We didn’t advertise our fantasies, we hid them… they were private. Even our privates were private. So now that’s changed… well, not really, not for the vast majority of kinky people. But for many of us, that’s changed. We’re no longer afraid, no longer hidden. When the sexual revolution of the 60’s kicked open the closet door, it couldn’t help but reveal all of the things we’d been hiding in there. Turns out there were a lot of homosexuals out there… lots of swingers too… and there were a whole lot of people doing things that scared the hell out of Mr. and Mrs. Average American. Kink isn’t new. The Museum has archives of evidence and implements of the fetish lifestyle that date back to the turn of the last century. We’d like to have an exhibit evidencing the fetishes of Victorian Europe or Ancient Rome. History tells us they exist.

Despite popular myth, it really isn’t easy to spot a homosexual or swinger as they pretty much blend in with everyone else… but a man… much more, a woman in leather? Lets face it, kink stands out. It makes an easy target and, because it is seen as a fringe element within a fringe element, it is often the easiest to attack. Local prosecutors and small time politicians find it easy to hi-jack headlines and produce publicity by prosecuting --- BY PERSECUTING ---those deemed least likely to fight back. Because we are outside the mainstream, who is going to come to our defense?

Just a minute ago I said that kink wasn’t new. Well, persecuting kink isn’t new either. With the rise of the right wing here in America and similar factions across the Atlantic, the persecution rose to a new level. Conservative State and Federal officials began to legislate “Family Values”. The thing is, they used THEIR definition of the terms “Family” and “Values”. Things came to a boil in the 1990’s, with a series of high profile prosecutions that included a new and frightening twist. Despite the gains in civil rights and privacy, despite the decriminalization of consensual sex, despite the efforts of gay lib, women’s lib and all the other libs… the State was still prosecuting S&M only now they were saying that consent was not a defense, and… as un-believable as this is… they were winning.

In 1990 sixteen men were arrested in England after a lengthy and expensive investigation into the BD/SM underground. Despite the fact that every one of them were adults – consenting adults – they were convicted of assault. Although the case would eventually reach the equivalent of our Supreme Court… their ruling upheld the convictions and declared that consent was not a defense to assault and that S&M constituted assault. Oh, but that was in England… not here. Europe might as well be the moon.
In 1996 Oliver Jovanovic was arrested in New York for assault and kidnapping. Despite the fact that his girlfriend testified to her consent, he was convicted because consent is not a defense. How ridiculous! How ridiculous that six years after it happened in England it was happening here and we still weren’t paying attention.

Fortunately, in 1997 the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom was founded in the United States and began to spearhead the political, legal and social efforts on behalf of safe, sane and consensual sex. To date, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has done a lot… so I don’t want to sound like I’m saying that we’re not successful --- still --- clearly, we haven’t succeeded, not yet.
In order to succeed… in order for ALL of our alternative sexual organizations to succeed … we need UNITY. As I’ve already stated, I don’t think it exists… not yet… not really. What do I mean by that?
Go out and take a poll. Go out and poll all the different kinky people you can find. Talk to the bondage people, the S and M group, in all its categories. Go ask the swingers and the swappers and just every kinky person you can find and the vast majority – the OVERWHELMINGLY vast majority will not know who Oliver Jovanovic is. They will not know what the Spanner Trust is. They will not know what the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is, what we do or why we are necessary. That tells us we have not yet succeeded.

Let’s consider the rest of the polling results. Some of the people DO know who Jovanovic and Spanner are. They probably also know who or what the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is. These people are the socially and politically active members of the BD/SM Fetish Communities… they are the movers and shakers, our leaders. These are the people who support our individual fetish organizations... the ones who attend our conventions and events… these are the kinky people in the know. Look at their responses to your questions and my money says the Gay people recognized the Spanner Trust and the Straight people heard of Jovanovic. There is very little unity between ANY factions of the Straight and Gay communities and it’s not just the Straights and Gays… there’s very little unity between men and women, especially when it comes to sex and alternative sex.

Now, in the LBGT community, it has always been the leather men and women, the Fetish community that was the most organized. We’ve been at the forefront of the HIV/AIDS efforts; we’ve been at the forefront of the fights for civil rights and the right to privacy. When I was talking about the movers and shakers of the Fetish community, those who are active and educated… I was talking about you… right here in this room. YOU ARE the people we need to reach and YOU / WE ARE the people who are going to bring unity to the table. We represent the partner organizations that, for the most part, are promoting unity. Now it’s time to work harder. You need to go back to your partner organizations and you need to let everybody know that kink transcends sexuality; kink transcends sex, race and nationality. You need to encourage your partner organizations to reach across the boundaries. Gay clubs… reach out to the straight clubs. Plan a group event, a joint party. Exchange speakers and educational programs… Make sure those other groups know about the existence of the Leather Archives & Museum… their museum. Make sure that their organizations become members of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and don’t stop at the straight kinky groups. Men’s groups need to approach women’s groups. One fetish has to reach out to the next. YOU… each of you… MUST WORK TO UNIFY.

Do not stop with kinky people. The truth is that ALL of our issues are Gay issues. ALL of our issues are Straight issues… they’re the same issues that face the Blacks, the Asians and Male and Female communities. Freedom is Freedom and the rights of consenting adults are the rights of all consenting adults. We’ve been fighting for the rights of consenting adults to consent… Our victories are their victories.
Remember that old saying about the Nazi’s? “When they came for the homosexuals I didn’t stand up because I wasn’t a homosexual… and when they came for the trade unionists I didn’t stand up because I wasn’t a trade unionist ... and finally, when they came for me there wasn’t anyone left to stand up and fight.” Well, I want you to stand up right now!
I’m serious – stand up… everybody just stand up.
[Everyone stood up]

Now look around the room… look around. THIS is what Unity looks like. THIS is what you have to make it look like back at home. You need to go back and mix colors and genders… you need to mix sexuality and different forms of kink … each of your organizations can reach out to another. The Fetish community needs to UNIFY and YOU are the only people who can see to it that it happens.

Let’s double the number of coalition partners…. Let’s double the size of this assembly by next year. You CAN do it. You CAN go back home and make sure that your organizations do it. You CAN cause unification. Thank you for the privilege of expounding my views. YOU ARE MY SPECIES. Again, thank you.

Side notes:
Chuck Renslow is a respected elder in our community. Read more about him at:
http://www.leatherarchives.org/contact/renslow.htm
http://www.infopt.demon.co.uk/renslow.htm
http://www.glhalloffame.org/index.pl?todo=view_item&item=11

© Copyright 2004 LADs. All rights reserved.

Real And True and Their Misplacement in BDSM by Screamer

2006-10-30T23:32:00.000-08:00

Real And True and Their Misplacement in BDSM

by Screamer

Here's something that bothers me.

Real.
True.

Yes. It's Screamer. Stirring the pot again. Imagine.

There's no such thing as a real submissive or a true dominant. See, the great thing about kink is that we get to do anything we want and call it what we want and not have to worry about other people thinking we're sick and twisted. (We already *know* we're sick and twisted or, at the very least, irregular.)

Living with your dominant? Wearing a collar all the time? Got a crop behind your car seat and cuffs in the glove box? I find those things very cool. But they don't make you anymore real or true than the guy down the street who only does this on weekends when his kids are at Grandma's and he and his wife can play in the bedroom without being bothered. Participating in public play, going to parties and seminars - these things are wonderful for education, enjoyment and community building. But belonging to, and participating in such doesn't make you any more "true" than the schoolteacher down the street who can't participate publicly for fear of alienating her family or her students.

She's real. He's true. They're both as into this as you and I are. They're just quiet about it.

Words like "real" and "true" do more harm in a lifestyle like ours than good. When you start bandying about words like that, it alienates people. Makes them worry too much about living up to someone's perceived notion of what really *is* real and true. It elevates, in some eyes, people to heights of knowledge and wisdom that they may or may NOT be worthy of. And it makes others feel as if they'll never measure up to what they think they should be.

While I agree that there should be some basic definitions (submissive, dominant, top, bottom), they must be pretty loose and free because I don't want to be put in anyone else's box. I want to draw my own box. That's part of the great thing about being kinky. If I wanted clear, concise, perfect definitions, I'd still be Catholic - I'd still be married with a mortgage, 2.5 kids and a dog in the backyard. (Not that you can't be kinky and have that - many, many do. But they aren't living by the definitions of their vanilla thinking. They're making their own rules. Ain't that cool?)

I get decidedly tight when someone starts saying "Well, he's a true Master because his submissive is on a leash" (and yes, you do hear that.) or "She's a true slave because she wears her collar all the time and never says no to her Sir." I frankly find those things wonderful and fun and romantic. But I don't think you can draw distinctions like that. Hell, the goth kids wear collars all the time. Someone want to tell a 16 year old goth kid to "Kneel, bitch?"

Things do not make you real. Words do not make you a true anything (except a wordsmith). What makes you - you - is YOU. Your actions, your deeds, your life. You aren't real and true to anyone but yourself, and you know what? I like it that way.
Someone asked me this weekend where my collar was - and since they didn't see one - I must not be a collared submissive - or, I wasn't a submissive (Was I in Top mode this weekend? Did I want to cane someone? ). Anyone want to explain to these folks that this dogtag dangling between my breasts - out of view - close to my heart - is more of a collar than the leather one I used to wear to parties? Anyone want to explain that you don't have to play publicly to be "real"?

I think those of us who are more communicative about our lifestyle are often seen as more "real" because we put it all out there for the world to see. I've been involved in the public scene for over six years. But that doesn't mean I'm anymore a true submissive than the teacher. It just means I have a big mouth and carry a long cane bag. It means that I like to share ideas and I like to discuss things. And that's all it really means.

Which brings me to my other botherment.

Misguided hero worship.

I spent a lot of time this weekend observing some of the most prominent authors of the D/s community. Having met them all at one time or another, I can most assuredly say that, with one exception, they don't want to be 'worshipped' by the D/s community. (And if they do, I don't want to know them.) They wrote books. They shared knowledge. Doesn't mean they *have* anymore knowledge than "Mr. Bedroom" from above. Just means they can string words together and don't mind sharing their experience and knowledge with the public. They take time from their schedules with family and jobs to lecture and teach. They enjoy doing so. I think that's cool. I think it's wonderful that they give of themselves. Anyone who teaches anything is a treasure in my book. But I know from personal experience - and the email I've gotten from my essays over the years - that writing it down doesn't mean the writer knows more than anyone else. Again. In my own case, I just have a really big mouth and a talent for stringing words together.

Hey, we all get naked the same way, folks. Some of us just do it with a royalty check in hand.

I think more than anything else, I just want to see people having a good time. I want to enjoy watching you enjoying yourself. I want to watch you smile when you hold that shiny new paddle and I want to hear you laugh when those new cuffs tickle your feet. And even more than that, I want to know that the schoolteacher and the plumber are having their own fun in their own way. And that they don't think themselves better than I - worse than I - or more real or true than I.

That we all *are*. That's all.

originally published at The Screamer Girl
http://www.thescreamergirl.com/
copyright © 2000 by Screamer. all rights reserved
published with permission
screamer_girl@hotmail.com

2006-10-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

A new series on line has some GREAT insights and explanations about kink.

These are some amazingly simple stories of people just like us, explaining in simple honest terms WIITWD. Foxy, the taxidermist and pony trainer is exceptionally eloquent for vanilla people who are ignorant of what we love to do.

"America Unzipped"
By Brian Alexander
MSNBC contributor

All dressed up — in latex and dog collars

For fetishists, it's as much about the costumes as the sex
Attendees of a big fetish convention strike a pose.

TAMPA, Fla. — While it’s not every night you find yourself stepping off a bus behind a 6-foot man dressed as Little Bo Peep, that’s not why I’m staring at him. This bus is full of people going to a party at a club here called The Chambers, after spending the day at the Hyatt Regency for "FetishCon," an annual convention that is part trade show, part classroom, part nighttime scene for fetish aficionados and the merely curious.In a little while, some of the several hundred people in attendance will be chained to large steel Xs and flogged with leather cat-o-nine tails. Men will crawl on all fours and lick the feet of the women who brought them. One topless woman, her skin painted with a mural by a professional artist named Pashur, will dance for hours in a pair of giant boots that make her 7 feet tall.So compared with this phalanx of PVC, leather and latex, Bo Peep looks practically normal. No, I’m staring because I’m pretty sure I interviewed this guy the day before on the trade show floor. On my tape of our conversation he talks about being an occasional transvestite, how it helps him land girlfriends, and a little about the whole fetish philosophy. (Some words on my recording are tough to hear because somebody in the background is cracking a bullwhip.)
But I can’t be positive this is the same guy because — no kidding — he looks a lot like Little Bo Peep. He’s wearing makeup, a blonde wig, a bonnet, a blue skirt with petticoats, the whole Bo Peep she-bang, including the shepherd’s staff.Yesterday, sitting on a couch inside the hotel, he looked all the world like what he said he was, a middle-aged, upper middle-class IT manager for a major international charity. He wore a pair of Bermuda shorts and a polo shirt, his hair cut sensibly short like one of those guys from the 1960s glory days of IBM. He told me he was a Republican. After spending three days and nights with bondage enthusiasts, submissives and dominants, a man mummified in duct tape, a huge pink bunny (who refused to speak to me because he was a bunny, and bunnies don’t talk), people dressed as ponies complete with actual tack, and a 49-year-old North Carolina housewife turned Superhero fetish icon named Super Becca, I have learned to check my preconceptions at the door.A mental illness?
No one is sure just how many Americans are into fetish; there aren't any good surveys. The publisher of one fetish magazine says he figures about 7 percent of us could be called fetishists, but he's guessing. Everyone here, however, thinks it's growing, and if you believe the business people manning the booths selling everything from stainless steel slave collars to medical-grade speculums, it is.

But there are no hard-and-fast rules about what a fetish is. Is bondage a fetish or a practice? How about wearing whole-body rubber suits? Being spanked with a leather paddle? Nobody seems able to define it so everything tends to get lumped into it.Supposed authorities aren't much help. For example, the World Health Organization and psychiatry’s DSM-IV manual classify “fetishism” as a mental illness. The WHO says it is a “reliance on some non-living object as a stimulus for sexual arousal and sexual gratification.” The fetish object might “simply serve to enhance sexual excitement achieved in ordinary ways (e.g. having a partner wear a particular garment).” In other words, every woman who ever imagined her man in a pair of buttless chaps, every man who thinks baby-doll nighties are the greatest invention since the centerfold, could be a fetishist.“Occasionally somebody will find out what we do,” says Melissa, a 33-year-old engineer for a civilian defense contractor in Florida who is newly married to Bob, 34, a corporate controller. (She tells me this as she holds a leash attached to a collar around Bob’s neck. Bob is wearing a leather hood that covers his head.) When somebody does find out, Melissa continues, “often they have done some form of it, too. Maybe not to the extent we do, but they say, ‘Oh yeah, we do handcuffs.’ Lots of people have tried it.”While fetish can come to seem like any sexual practice that makes the “vanilla” world — the slightly derogatory name that fetishists use for anybody who's not into fetishism — uncomfortable and while there may be no such thing as a typical fetishist, a few commonalities have emerged over the past few days as I wandered the convention, attended the classes and went to parties.To see and be seen.

Please use the link at the top (title) to read this entire article and view more in the series, or go to:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14061667/
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13834042/
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14061673/
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14061438/

The Candy Store

2006-10-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

Everything I Needed to Learn About a Dungeon,

I Learned at the Candy Store.

By Jerome “Treasure” Bambrick

I remember, as a child, the first time I walked into a candy store. I had just come from the doctors office and had gotten some rather painful shots. As a reward for being so good my mother told me we would get to visit the candy store. While I can no longer remember the pain in my bottom from the shots, I definitely remember the first time I went to see the Candy Man.

I ran from the car door all the way up to the store window and smooshed my face against it looking in. I started jumping up and down yelling for my mother to catch up, but for some reason, I realized I was also a little afraid. My heart was in my throat since I was so close to those delicious little treats I had dreamed of, yet all my life I had been told that those treats were bad for me.

I had always been told that if you eat candy your teeth will rot or you'll get sick to your stomach. I was never to accept candy from strangers and I was punished if I was caught eating candy before a meal. At Halloween we used to have to check the candy for razors and see if any were tampered with. Even with the stigma that had been engrained in me that candy was bad I would still sneak some before dinner whenever I could. I always felt guilty about it later, but I couldn’t help myself. Mainly I always felt guilty because I couldn't share it with anyone, I had to keep it a secret or risk getting caught and in trouble.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, my mother caught up with me at the window and came and kneeled down to my level (she did this when she was serious) and took both of my hands in hers, looked me right in the eye and said “Remember that you can look, but don't touch unless I say so. Do you understand? You have to have permission before you touch anything. It is safe to eat the candy in here, but you still need to be careful young man.” I nodded my head half heartedly as I kept straining to go inside.

When that door finally opened my senses were overloaded from all the sweet smells and what seemed to be piles and piles of incredible delights. Every warning my mother had just given me was completely forgotten as I ran from display case to display case. The man behind the counter was smiling at me and asked if there was something I wanted to try. I nodded my head up and down furiously.

“Ok, what would you like?” He asked. That's when I realized that I had no clue exactly what I really wanted; I just wanted to try it all. But I couldn't decide, I didn't know what was good and what was bad, it all looked so good to me.

Then I heard my mother's voice saying “Why don't you try the clusterbars, you always seem to be asking me to get you those?” I nodded and the man behind the counter gladly gave me a taste and my world seemed to explode. It was wonderful and all I wanted was to try more and more and keep the taste and sensations coming. I was in heaven and this was my cloud nine.

The wonders just kept coming and the man behind the counter just kept smiling and gladly handed me more of those tasty concoctions. I found that I liked some more than others and some I just spit out, but each time I did my mother would just look at me and say “Well how would you have known you didn’t like it unless you tried it?” I will also never forget when I tried one and quickly spit it out and said “Iiiicckkkk, that’s just nasty. Anyone who likes that isiiccckkyyy?” My mother spun me by the shoulders to face her and then she kneeled down (so I knew I was in trouble) and said “Don’t you ever judge the likes and dislikes of others. Who are you to judge someone else?”

While I didn't understand her completely back then, I knew I had done wrong and just said “I'm sorry Mommy, I didn't mean it.” She patted my head and said “OK, and then handed me another candy in a wrapper to try.

The odd thing I found was that I couldn't always tell what was behind the wrapper. I had always assumed that if the wrapper was black it was liquorish, dark was chocolate, golden was caramel and white was…well that one always baffled me. But they weren't, they just kept changing and ever time I assumed I found I was usually wrong. I realized that I had to ask questions before I just put something in my mouth. Instead of just grabbing for the sweet I was asking “What is it? What's in it”? If it was something I had never tried I realized that I was being more cautious, but each time my mother would remind me “How do you know if you don’t try it?”

I remember that when we were ready to leave, with a bag of my favorite joy and my belly full, I realized that I was feeling… guilty again. I couldn't understand it, I was in heaven and I was feeling that something wasn't right. I realized that I normally had to sneak my candy and not tell anyone. Now that I had such an incredible experience, the first thing I want to do was tell everyone about it. I wanted everyone to share in my joy and happiness. But I also knew that if I told everyone, they would want to share my candy and I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. But I knew I would tell my best friend Michael, he was someone I knew I could trust.

As we were leaving I will never forget how the Candy Man waved Good-bye and said “Come back tomorrow and I will have something new for you to try.”

For some reason I always remember this when I think about my first time coming into the community. I found so many things remain true today as they did when I was 8 years old. The Candy man has changed, but he still has something new for me to try every time. He also reminds me that:
Its OK to be nervous when you are new, its normal
Keep an open mind to trying new things
Don’t touch others or their things without permission
Learning and being cautious is a good thing
Don’t judge others for something you don't like.
Don't assume.
You will have feelings about what you do, sometimes elations, sometimes guilt. Just know that it's normal.
It's OK to say I'm sorry if you do something wrong.
Mentors can help you when you are not sure.

Jerome is a long time California scene member best known for the largest collection of floggers this side of heaven, and the skills to use them. Co-Founder of smOdyssey and The Dungeon Monitors Association, he is currently a leading advocate for the NCSF. He teaches and lectures nationwide on BDSM issues.

In the Beginning

2006-10-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

Newcomers sitting in the dark, lurking, trying to read and decipher all there is floating out in cyberspace regarding BDSM.
Posting hesitantly, not wanting to offend anyone with their "newbie" questions, desperate to figure out who is right, who is correct and who is, well, just plain full of shit. And many of us have started out this way. i did.

What follows is a trip to the bookstore looking for titles that range from mild to malevolent - "The Loving Dominant, Different Loving, Come Hither, The Story of O, Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns and SM101". While the clerk looks at you quizzically with just a slight smile touching the corners of her mouth, rings up the damage, bags your new literature and sends you on your way out into the real world of BDSM. Or so you hope.

And when you have gone your whole life, knowing that there is something "different" about yourself, to finally find a place where the things that you have fantasized about for so long are not only accepted but in comparison are tame, it is as if you have finally come home.

Home. With people who have an understanding of the desires that drive you. A place where you are accepted, where you can speak openly of all the things that you kept locked away for fear of further ridicule or out of shame for not being what society calls normal.

After months of reading on and offline, after hours spent reading posts and websites, each loudly proclaiming that they are the only "real" keepers of the knowledge of all things kinky, perverted and twisted, the picture is no clearer than when you first began. In fact, your new found knowledge only seems to cloud the issues, making the water more murky. You quickly learn that there are players lurking on every corner, website, group or dungeon waiting to snap up unsuspecting BDSM virgins as they first venture out to test the waters. You quickly learn that many have ulterior motives wanting only to add to their stable of willing partners or supporters. Consumed by a tsunami of desire to belong to Thee One, that one true Master who can bring you to your knees, who's whispers of evil things thrill you, the search for Thee One begins.

If you have had no Southern upbringing, then you spend time learning to say, "Yes, Sir, and No Ma'am" without conscious thought. You learn to defer, you learn to submit, your manners are impecable and polished. In the midst of this comes that first online contact, and the game begins in ernest.

A new vocabulary suddenly emerges with words like dominant, domme, sub, slave, top, bottom, pro domme, pleasure slave, service slave, foot slave, body slave, toilet slave, Gorean slaves, free men and free women, floggers, canes, whips and chains. Sub space, dom space, dungeon space. Play is no longer just for children. A trip to the Home Depot now takes much longer than it used to. Suddenly on every aisle there are new implements of toruture, news ways to use eyebolts and power tools. It is all so overwhelming. It's like spending your whole life blind and suddenly waking up and seeing everything for the first time. And everything is suddenly fresh, vibrant and ready to be experienced.

When that first contact comes, you quiver with excitment and possibilities. Is this Thee One? Reality settles in. And you discover that most online are living a fantasy. This isn't what you want. You crave it, wanting to live it 24/7. Sometimes you settle, chalking it up as a learning experience. Sometimes it is easier to play along and feel special even if it is a lie. You learn the language and its nuances. It feels good to be commanded, to see the words jumping off a monitor and although it is hard to type kneeling on the floor, you do it anyway. With each new disappointment, you grow wiser, smarter and more suspicious. Until you start to question. It seems as if the search will go on forever when all you want is to kneel at the feet of Thee One - now! And at the last possible moment of permanent disappoinment, He appears out of the mist riding a sturdy stallion, armor gleaming in the sunlight as angels sing, doves fly overhead and rainbows appear. You are entranced, intrigued and hooked.

He appears to have all the right qualities. He is commanding. He starts to take over every so slowly and subtlely. Snatching little pieces of your soul as you expose yourself. The dance of domination and submission slowly winds its way through all the seductuve twists and turns, at once teasing and frightening you, thrilling and tormenting you in a single breath. You find yourself sharing the most intimate details of your life (with the exception of your social security number, your birthdate, your mother's maiden name and the city you were born in). You find yourself expressing your emotions through emoticons and acronyms. You love your collar - the one you bought because you were told to. You just simply gush in online chat rooms with other subs about your wonderful Master.

Until one day when you find yourself carrying on about your Master - his wisdom, his charm, his good looks and you go back and re-read your last post and wonder who the hell that it is that wrote it...... In horror, you read, "Oh no, my Master would never let me do that or this. i never question him. Master is so all knowing that i don't even need to think for myself any more because he can do it for me. A master so wise in the ways of the world that he won't allow me to have a thought of my own. Oh Great and Wise One, You have but to speak Your wish and i, Your lowly albeit smart assed slave will jump to do Your bidding with haste and winged feet. i treasure the trash You have finally found me worthy to remove from Your great hall. It pleases me that You have bestowed the honor and responsibility upon me to keep Your furs and royal robes clean. i can only pray to the gods that You will not find me lacking when i shovel snow out of the mote surrounding Your mighty castle. Thank You Master. "

And not only do you not live in a castle but you don't even live in his castle. There are no furs, no robes and no royal garbs. There is no kingdom. You've seen the deli scene in "When Harry Met Sally" and can imitate it to perfection because you've done it over a phone or on a computer screen too many times to keep track of. In fact, you moan and writhe in undescribable passion while doing your nails, paying bills, cleaning out the catbox and scrubbing the toilet. You have to keep from yawning sometimes because boredom is a wonderful sleeping pill. And you feel jilted, left behind or that eveyone else knows the joke but won't share the punchline.........

Reality has a way of slapping you up side the head in a manner that makes Linda Blair look like an childish amateur. What you have is fantasy. In reality, Master is a middle aged computer programmer, stuck in a suffocating cubicle farm with other computer prairie dogs, with a wife and four kids - two in college, and a mortgage bigger than your annual salary. He isn't married but his wife is. Goes to church on Sunday and is known to wear his socks to bed. And when you do begin to question the myth that he has woven around you, you hear those famous last words right before you are "released", "If you were a real sub, you wouldn't question me." And with your growing collection of dog collars starting to make your home look like an animal shelter, you get wiser with each new collar.

My treasure

My treasure is a regular contributor to A True Rose, be sure to visit her gallery there to read more of her works at :
http://www.atruerose.com/n/html/index.php

2006-10-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

Great things often hide right in front of us, and finding great information on the web is never easy.

Rose, of A True Rose, and Raven have a wonderful real time chat about the myths of BDSM that is transcripted at:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lvh
Check it out!

2006-10-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

Some great Thoughts about Judging and Contests

by Jim Drew

Someone recently asked why all the judges for Big Leather Contest were all titleholder themselves, why there weren't community activists or other leaders who didn't happen to have titles on the judging panel. The implication being two-fold: that there were valuable people not being asked to judge, and by having only titleholders as judges, they were perpetuating a narrow view of what a titleholder should be.

While some of us roll our eyes at a judging panel filled with just big name titleholders, or with the same people who judged several other prominent contests, every now and then we see just "Joe Smith" on a judging panel. And what is our reaction then? "Who the heck is that?" Or "Why are they having him judge the contest instead of that big name titleholder who is in the contest audienc?"

Let's be frank: celebrity judges and contest staff are a draw for some people. It may be the only chance they have to see Mr. Big Name Leather in their area. (And who knows, maybe they can pick him up if the stars are right!) Celebrities aren't the only reason people attend a contest, but if producers didn't believe they were a draw, they wouldn't invite them, pay for their travel, and advertise their presence.

Celebrity judges and contest staff also serve to draw from their own niches and posses: if your tallymistress is a former titleholder from another state, odds are good a couple others from her area will come as well, and her friends from the local are will attend to be able to spend some time around her. (Okay, being around the tallymistress at a contest isn't a great example, I admit.)

I've dealt with contests where all the judges were previous winners of the title. State-level ones where one of the judges was a local bartender. National-level ones where I could only find one bit of online info about one of the judges. Contests where more than half the judges were on the board of the producing organization (that's one way to get a titleholder that the organization wants!). And I've been around titleholders who tell everyone how offended they are about not having been asked to judge. I'm sure every titleholder has similar stories.

When I have had to and will have to select a judging panel, I try to balance: someone not local (to get a perspective from someone who may not know any of the contestants or the local politics), someone female (for a male contest), someone not a titleholder (for the "everyman" perspective), someone not heavily associated with leather (bears, Court, local organization, etc.), and so on. I know that I tend to read between the lines of any judging panel announcement, so I prefer to have judging panels where there's nothing much to read into.

-- Jim Drew
Seattle Leather Daddy 2004
International Mr. Saliva 2006
Mama's Rubber Cowboy

The Magical Hanky Code

2006-10-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

The Hanky Code

(Read in order of :
COLOR
WORN ON LEFT
WORN ON RIGHT)

BLACK
heavy SM top
heavy SM bottom

GREY
bondage top
fit to be tied!

BLUE, Light
wants head
cocksucker

BLUE, Robin's Egg
69er
anything but 69ing

BLUE, Medium
cop
copsucker

BLUE, Navy
fucker (top)
fuckee (bottom)

BLUE, Airforce
pilot/flight attendant
likes flyboys

BLUE, Light w/WHITE Stripe
sailor
lookin' for salty seamen

BLUE, Teal
cock & ball torturer
cock & ball torturee

RED
fist fucker
fist fuckee

MAROON
cuts
bleeds

RED, Dark
2-handed fister
2-handed fistee

PINK, Light
dildo fucker
dildo fuckee

PINK, Dark
tit torturer
tit torturee

MAUVE
into navel worshippers
has a navel fetish

MAGENTA
suck my pits
armpit freak

PURPLE
piercer
piercee

LAVENDER
likes drag queens
drag queen

YELLOW
pisser/WS
piss freak

YELLOW, Pale
spits
drool crazy

MUSTARD
hung 8"+
wants 8"+

GOLD
two looking for one
one looking for two

ORANGE
anything anytime
nothing now (just cruising)

APRICOT
two tons o' fun
chubby chaser

CORAL
suck my toes
shrimper (sucks toes)

RUST
a cowboy
a cowboy's horse

FUSCHIA
spanker
spankee

GREEN, Kelly
hustler (for rent)
john (looking to buy)

GREEN, Hunter
daddy
orphan boy looking for daddy

OLIVE DRAB
military top
military bottom

GREEN, Lime
dines off tricks (food)
dinner plate (will buy dinner)

BEIGE
rimmer
rimmee

BROWN
scat top
scat bottom

BROWN LACE
uncut
likes uncut

BROWN SATIN
cut
likes cut

CHARCOAL
latex fetish top
latex fetish bottom

GREY FLANNEL
owns a suit
likes men in suits

WHITE
beat my meat (J/O)
I'll do us both (J/O)

HOLSTEIN
milker
milkee

CREAM
cums in condoms
sucks cum out of condoms

BLACK w/WHITE Check
safe sex top
safe sex bottom

RED w/WHITE Stripe
shaver
shavee

RED w/BLACK Stripe
furry bear
likes bears

WHITE LACE
likes white bottoms
likes white tops

BLACK w/WHITE Stripe
likes black bottoms
likes black tops

BROWN w/WHITE Stripe
likes latino bottoms
likes latino tops

YELLOW w/WHITE Stripe
likes asian bottoms
likes asian tops

BLUE, Light w/WHITE Dots
likes white suckers
likes to suck whites

BLUE, Light w/BLACK Dots
likes black suckers
likes to suck blacks

BLUE, Light w/BROWN Dots
likes latino suckers
likes to suck latinos

BLUE, Light w/YELLOW Dots
likes asian suckers
likes to suck asians

RED/WHITE GINGHAM
park sex top
park sex bottom

BROWN CORDUROY
headmaster
student

PAISLEY
wears boxer shorts
likes boxer shorts

FUR
bestialist top
bestialist bottom

GOLD LAME
likes muscleboy bottoms
likes muscleboy tops

SILVER LAME
starfucker
celebrity

BLACK VELVET
has/takes videos
will perform for the camera

WHITE VELVET
voyeur (likes to watch)
will put on a show

LEOPARD
has tattoos
likes tattoos

TAN
smokes cigars
likes cigars

TEDDY BEAR
cuddler
cuddlee

KEWPIE DOLL
chicken (under-aged)
chicken hawk (likes young adolescents)

DIRTY JOCKSTRAP
wears a dirty jock
sucks dirty jocks clean

DOILY
tearoom top (pours)
tearoom bottom (drinks)

MOSQUITO NETTING
outdoor sex top
outdoor sex bottom

ZIPLOC BAG
has drugs
looking for drugs

COCKTAIL NAPKIN
bartender
bar groupie

KLEENEX
stinks
sniffs

KEYS IN FRONT
has a car
looking for a ride

KEYS IN BACK
has a home
needs a place to stay

HOUNDSTOOTH
likes to nibble
willing to be bitten

UNION JACK
skinhead top
skinhead bottom

CALICO
new in town
tourists welcome

TERRYCLOTH
bathhouse top
bathhouse bottom

WHITE w/MULTICOLOR Dots
hosting an orgy
looking for an orgy

2006-10-05T19:38:00.000-07:00

Explanation
by Lee Lady

There are many many differing aspects of this stuff we do: bondage, discipline, all sort of specialized kinds of play.
Most people tend to be primarily interested in some sort of physical play: whipping, various sorts of "torture," etc.
If you are going to do this sort of thing, go to some classes
or find someone to teach you. It is possible to do
some real damage to someone this way, and you definitely
don't want that. (If your boyfriend says that he wants
to be your toy, just remember: if you break your toy, then
you don't get to play with it any more.)

Since you talk about giving your boyfriend orders, I assume
(possibly wrongly) that your boyfriend is mostly attracted
to D/S --- Dominance and Submission. Here, the emphasis
is on the psychological part of play, although whipping
and bondage and other physical activities may be an important
part of it.

Most people who come to the D/S discussion group at the Citadel
are primarily oriented towards voluntary service: the submissive
simply serves the dominant in various ways, possibly taking
care of her clothes, doing housework and cooking, whatever.
There may not even be any punishment involved. I have to
admit that I've never seen the point of this, so I am
not a good person to ask for advice about it.

Of course everything we do is voluntary, since two people agree
on how their relationship or a particular "scene" is going
to work. (A relationship is for forever, more or less,
whereas a scene might be for an hour or a day or even
a week.)

But suppose we agree that you are going to force me to be
your slave. You will give me all sorts of orders and I
will have to obey you or I will get punished. Now psychologically,
this is an interesting and confusing situation. How can we
say that you are "forcing" me to do things, when in fact
the whole situation exists by our mutual agreement and
in fact maybe it was my idea in the first part?

Most submissives start out with the idea that the dominant
should be completely in control. In fact, this is exactly
what the submissive wants. Or at least that's what he thinks
he wants. But in fact, he wants a lot of more specific things.
He may want to be whipped fairly often, or he may want to
be forced to watch his girlfriend have sex with other men,
or.... There are so many different things that turn a
submissive on.

But if the submissive tells the dominant what he wants, doesn't
that mean that the submissive is becoming the one in control?
Isn't that "Topping from the Bottom," which most of us
consider a violation of the sacred rules which everyone
is supposed to always follow. (And where are all these rules
written down, anyway? It would be very useful to have a
written copy of them.)

The fact is that the submissive MUST tell the dominant what
he wants her to do. It is in fact his responsibility to
do so. Maybe he does this by telling her his fantasies.
("I order you from now on to tell me all your fantasies
about being my slave.")

There are things that are happening on two different
levels at once. What you and he are doing is PLAYING, even though
the play may be very serious and very real. You are entering
into a different world. For the submissive, this is what
most people call "subspace," and I in particular like to
call "slave space." It may be very real that I now have to
do the housework and other things for you and will get
punished if I don't behave. And yet on another level,
I am only your slave because you and I have agreed to
play this game.

Topping from the Bottom only happens when the submissive
starts directing things *during play.*

You and he may have a signed contract about all the things
he is required to do. (And what about you? Does the
contract say anything about what you do?)

Okay, fine. But this is still PLAY. The fact that something
is written and signed doesn't make it have real force.
Trying taking him to court to get him to obey your
contract --- they'll laugh at you.

Confusing things happen, such as the "slave" telling
the dominant: "You let me get away with too much. You
need to punish me more often."

How can this make sense for the so called "submissive" to
be telling the so called "dominant" what to do?

It makes sense because at such moments the so called "submissive"
has steppedout of Play Space into Reality Space, and in Reality
Space the two people are working out the rules of their game by
mutual agreement.

But often the fact is that what the submissive really wants
(or thinks he wants) is to be a slave on a 24/7 basis.
He wants to *never* be in Reality Space. He wants, or at
least he thinks he wants, to have no say so in how the
relationship works.

This idea is on still another level, the Fantasy Level.
It's a great fantasy, but the reality is different. You
and he are playing a fantasy game, and the submissive will
never get satisfaction unless he cooperates with you in
deciding how the game will be played.

And yet, even so, for you, being the Top (dominant) does
have its prerogatives. If you want to have him dressed
up as a little baby in diapers and he really hates that,
you may be able to get away with saying, "You're my slave.
You have to do things my way." Or maybe not. The fact
is that even though though he is supposedly your slave,
there will still be power struggles between you and you
will still have arguments.

If he says he insists that he wants to be your "real slave,"
have him buy you a gun, so you can give him orders at gunpoint.
Require that he hand over his paycheck every week, so that you
control all the money. If he doesn't behave the way
you like, no lunch money for the next week.

Hey, I'm joking. Don't buy a gun. What happens if you
order him to do something and he refuses? What are you going
to do, shoot him? Then you'd need to find a new boy friend.

I'm just saying that whether he likes to admit it or not,
what the two of you are doing is not reality. It's play.

But it will certainly change the reality of your relationship.
Hopefully in a good way.

--Lee Lady www2.hawaii.edu/~lady/

2006-10-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

Dominance, Submission, Control

--Lee Hawaii

Sometimes DS play can get pretty confusing.
One reason for this, I believe, is that dominance and submission are things that are present in all interactions between human beings. And this makes it sometimes difficult to be clear on the boundary between DS as play and the rest of life.

With bondage, for instance, this confusion doesn't exist.
One doesn't hear people saying, "I'm looking for
a 24/7 bondage relationship," or "It wasn't real bondage, because after he tied me up and did some things to me, then he let me go again."

POWER AND CONTROL IN DS PLAY AND IN REAL LIFE

DS play focuses on control. But control happens in ordinary life as well. Go to the
relationships section of the bookstore, and you can find lots of books on controlling one's significant other (ideally for mutual benefit). In the parenting section, there are many books on controlling one's children. And the business section is full of books on controlling one's employees (or, in some cases, one's boss).

But DS play is different. In real life, the important thing is the result. But in DS play, the important thing is the process. Power and control in DS play
are not a means to an end. They are, in my opinion, the whole point of what we do.

("Play" is the best word I know to describe what we do, but in participating in the Citadel DS discussion group, I notice that a lot of people reject this word, because to them it refers to playacting or carrying out a charade. For me, DS play is very serious and very real. But it's also very different from things in real life that may superficially ressemble DS.)

On the surface it may seem as if DS interactions are about the dominant getting his/her own way. But in fact they are just as much about the submissive having a satisfactory experience. If I as a submissive don't get this satisfaction, I will pick up my marbles and go home. For me, learning this was a very important insight after going through several experiences where I was not getting the particular satisfaction I need and was telling myself, "It doesn't matter if I'm bored and don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it; I'm a slave and I have to do whatever my mistress wants." It just didn't work for me.

If I come over and clean a dominant's kitchen, then it's certainly nice that the kitchen gets clean. But that's not the primary objective. The primaryobjective has to do with the total experience. The energy is very different from what happens if the dominant calls up a service and pays to have the kitchen cleaned.

Of course a big part of my satisfaction comes from seeing the dominant's pleasure or other satisfaction. That's fine. Sometimes I've had to tell dominants, "Let me know that you're having a good time."

Several years ago I published an essay in GP called "Obedience Training For Humans." Several people expressed surprise that several of the things I recommended contradicted the usual recommendations for parenting or animal trainings.

I recommended for instance that the dominant be inconsistent in his/her punishments and that the submissive should never be completely clear on what the rules are. I also suggested that itcan be good when punishment comes days (or at least many hours) after the bad behavior, after the submissive has had a chance to think that he has got away with what he did. I suggested that control by punishment is better than control by reward.

Although not every couple will want to play this way, the objections to these suggestions missed the point. Effectively changing behavior may be an important goal in a DS relationship, but it is secondary to the goal of having exciting DS interactions that are satisfying to both parties.

To me, as a male submissive, it is very exciting when I unexpectedly get punished for something I did the day before which at the time I didn't even know was wrong. It is exciting and for me the punishment is also very effective.

I got whipped once because several days before I had been reading a magazine and when the my dominant started talking to me, I kept on reading it, even though I was also listening to her. After that, whenever she talked to me I put whatever I was reading face down on the floor, and in fact for quite some time after that, I even did that when other women were talking to me.

I noticed that it was sometimes very amusing to my dominant that I would do things that were not even required of me, because I could never be sure what the requirements were. And I would pretend to not notice her amusement. It was satisfying to me to know that she was entertained by my behavior.

WHAT MAKES DS PLAY WORK?

I've tried very hard to identify the specific things that actually make a scene work for me. And, for me, it seems that two things are really crucial. The first is that a dominant needs a real sense of authority. And the second thing I need from a dominant is a sort of energy that I call seduction.

I've found that some people misunderstand this word, thinking that seduction means manipulating someone into doing something that they will regret later. But I am using the word seduction to mean something that happens mostly once a scene has started. It is verbal warm-up or verbal foreplay. And mostly I think it amounts to the dominant promising me that I will get the things I really want out of the scene. She might do this by saying, "I'm going to turn you into a total slave," or, "I'm going to teach you what obedience really means." These sorts of things are very individual, of course, so in order to do this effectively a dominant has to know me very well.

On the overall level, our interaction is not a battle. I want the dominant to succeed, so I want to give her all the information I can about how to be effective in controlling me.

LIKE ALL OTHER PLAY, DS PLAY IS ULTIMATELY COOPERATIVE

Since I want to be completely controlled by the dominant, how can it be okay for me to tell the dominant what I want? Doesn't that mean that I am taking some control over the scene? (Especially if I have gone to a professional dominant and are paying her to give me certain sorts of experiences.)

Being unwilling to say what one wants because of concern that this would be controlling the scene is on of the most common mistakes that new submissive make. Sure, it is wonderful when one can find a dominant who has ESP. Usually, though, not saying what one wants is a very effective way of not getting what is looking for.

The fact is that all play is cooperative, whether it be impact play, bondage, or DS.
This is quite evident in physical play, where at parties one sees a couple briefly decide on a good place to play. Then the dominant tells the submissive where
to stand and ties him up, asking, "Is that okay? Are you secure?" And the submissive might say, "No, you need to tie my right hand more firmly; if I do this
[gesture] then I can get free."

When I am engaged in DS play, the dominant and I have a common goal: we both want me to go deeply into subspace and feel compelled to obey.
(This is true for me, in any case. It may not be true for all submissives.)
And as far as I'm concerned, it is in fact my duty to give my dominant all the information possible on how to most effectively accomplish that.

But the fact that at root our play is cooperative doesn't mean that everything we do is by mutual agreement. For me, in fact, it would be totally antagonistic to the
sort of scene I want if the dominant were to say, for instance, "I'd like to make you wear diapers. Is that okay?" For me, the whole point is that I do what she wants, whether I like it or not. I know that if she lets me get away with refusing to do something because I really don't want to, then afterwards the scene will seem like a big let-down to me.

But it will also seem like a big let-down if I have done everything she asks, no matter what, simply because that's our agreement. To me, that's not slavery, that's voluntary service. I know that a lot of submissives find volunary service satisfying, but I need to know that the dominant has power over me and is forcing me to do what she wants.

But the two of us work cooperatively to create the framework where this will happen.

And it's essential that I let her know that *involuntary* servitude is the sort of scene I want. She *must* give me that sort of scene, or else I won't play with her again.

So who's in control?

DIFFERENT LEVELS OF REALITY

The fact is that words like "power" and "control" are much too vague. There are different levels of control.

There are three different levels of reality relevant to DS. First, there is, for want of a better word, what I call the Real World. And then there is Fantasy. And
finally there is Play. And these three kinds of reality are very different and are all very important.

In Fantasy, a dominant enslaves a submissive and completely controls him. But in Reality, it is often the submissive who initially approaches the dominant. He wants to be controlled, to be, in some sense, enslaved. And even if it is the dominant who makes the initial approach, what she does is not to overpower the submissive, but to make him an offer which she hopes will be attractive to him.

If the couple are beginners, the dominant's initialapproach may be, "Kneel you worm!" And a completely inexperienced submissive may think, "Great! A dominant who wants to play with me. I'll do whatever she wants and have a great experience." But for the most part, this only works in chat rooms.

More experienced players talk about their previous experience and what each of them is looking for and decide whether they want to play together and, in general terms, what the framework of their play should be.

Play will usually be very different from Real Life but is also different from Fantasy. Play takes place within certain boundaries.

When I play, I don't want to be aware of these boundaries. I want to be caught up in the fantasy world where the dominant's power if absolute and extends to every aspect of my life. But in fact if the dominant transgresses the boundaries, I will very quickly come out of subspace.

Roughly speaking, for me the main boundary is that play is not allowed to have a major impact on my life as a whole. An example I often mention is that a dominant cannot order me to shave my head, or to shoplift, or to
become a vegetarian. It is not acceptable for play to have an impact on my career or my relations with my family. And certainly I am not willing to play in ways
that endanger my health or physical safety, although I will admit that in the past there have been times when I allowed myself to be forced to do things that were more dangerous than was wise.

THE SELF THAT THINKS ABOUT PLAYING AND THE SELF THAT PLAYS.

One thing I've realized is that for myself, anyway, there is a split between two different parts of me when I do DS play. When I think about play and when I initially talk to the dominant about it, I am in a sort of top space,
as if I were a dominant planning the scene for my submissive self. (I won't tell the dominant I'm playing with all the details though, because I know that it will be more satisfying for both of us if she comes up with those herself. But after the scene, I might say something like, "I was a little surprised that you didn't order me to do such and such," and she might respond, "It never occured to me; I'll remember that for next time.")

While I am imagining the scene and discussing it with my dominant, I am seeing it pretty much from a third-person point of view, what the NLP people called a dissociated viewpoint. And I tend to be pretty cruel to my submissive self.

I've often observed this sort of thing in couples who frequently engage in SM play. The submissive will say things like, "You need to be more strict with me. You let me get away with too many things." At moments like this what is happening is basically co-topping.

It's when this sort of thing happens during the play itself that we have "topping from the bottom." For me anyway, topping from the bottom significantly weakens a scene, almost destroys it. Because at that moment, I am not in sub space.

But between scenes, even though I will still have a lot of submissive feelings, it is essential that we come back to Real Life space at least to the extent that I can give the dominant this sort of feedback.

Once we start playing, my submissive self totally takes over. I completely forget about the fact that it was me who wanted this stuff in the beginning. I genuinely suffer and may be very resentful toward my top. But at the same time, I have a commitment to seeing the scene through. Horrible though it may be, I want to experience the whole thing.

When dominant is having problems that she doesn't know how to solve, her submissive is the best source of expert advice available. (But the middle of a
scene is not the appropriate time to ask for a submissive's objective advice.) She might say, for instance, "You really don't like interacting sexually with
other males, do you? How can I get you to do this?" And the submissive might say, "I don't want to do it." And then the dominant could say, "You're my slave and I
want to see you being sexual with another male. Sooner or later, you know I'm going to get my way. So tell me what I can do to speed the process up and also make the scene work for you." Etc.

She might also want to ask, "Is this a hard limit for you?" In my case
at least, I don't want to say that something is a hard limit because I don't want to acknowledge, even beforehand or afterwards, that I have a certain degree of control in the scene. And I know that if I can get past my distaste and inhibitions, then I will feel very good about the interaction after it is over.

It might be useful for the dominant to sometimes discuss things with the submissive from a third-person point of view. "I want to let you know that the Dominant is getting very frustrated here because the Submissive keeps doing things that are really bratty. What should the Dominant do to stop all this bratty behavior?" (Sorry if I am violating some people's fetish about the use of capital letters here.) For me, this would make it easier to consider the situation objectively.

At the end of the scene, if the dominant asks me, "Was that good?" or "Was that what you wanted?" it will almost destroy the whole scene for me. I want to be able to stay with the fantasy (and yet it's only partly a fantasy) that the things
in the scene happened because they were what the dominant wanted, not what I wanted.

In my opinion and my experience, the best thing for a dominant to do at the end of a scene is to once again align herself with my top self. She can say
things like, "Wow! That was really great. I really enjoyed watching you suffering. You really didn't like some of the things I forced you to do, did you? Did that make you feel like a real slave? And are you going to be more obedient from now on?" She will talk about the scene almost as if she and I had been topping some other male. And this will bring me out of subspace and remind me that what just happened was something we both wanted, thus helping me let go of any anger I had as a sub about things me that happened during the scene. It will bring me back to the Real World level of reality, which, unfortunately but realistically, is where I need to be to live most of my life.

2006-09-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

GENERAL DEPORTMENT

A How-to for submissive males

by: "Ron" raven@viawestdu.net

ravensron2000

DISCLAIMER: The following "rules" are not found in any secret old guard manual. They will not necessarily enable you to be collared by the Dominatrix-of-Your-Dreams, are really more geared to "being pleasing to a goddess who has already suggested you might be worth some of her valuable time and attention." Very specific ideas or "instructions" may not apply to every situation, and most especially may not apply to how a given women wants you to do something. The point of this article is to put the general mechanisms and manners, that (I hope) any man worthy of a woman's time would otherwise be doing, into the context of our lifestyle.

GENERAL DEPORTMENT

You should always be striving consciously to be worthy of her time and attention. Even when she's not there, you should conduct yourself as if she was watching.

You are always courting her when in her presence, however long you've known each other. Present yourself with as much care and attention as you would on a date with an ordinary woman.

Hygiene counts!: shower, comb your hair, brush your teeth, clean the sticky spilled soda off your automobile's seats.

Clothing should be clean and neat and appropriate to the occasion. Obvious exceptions would be fetish clothing otherwise inappropriate but worn because she desires it, or old, ripped clothing for heavy labor or messy tasks.

Employ general good manners in situations where you cannot display outright submission, such as in public among people who don't know the extent of your relationship. Treat Mistress and her peers as you would a judge in a courtroom, or your elementary school teacher; such that ordinary women, who don't have any idea who you two are will nudge their male companions and say, "why don't you treat me that way!"

Maintain a positive image of yourself. Take pride in what you do. You are lucky, honorable, and worthy of respect. Outside of a role- playing scenario, no Lady actually wants "worthless worms" or "dirt beneath her feet."

Display a pleased and pleasant demeanor. Move and speak in a calm, dignified manner. Don't behave cranky, petulant or fidgety.

SPEECH

Address her as "Mistress" in the same way a queen of a nation would be addressed as "Your Majesty" and as "Ma'am" instead of "Mistress" in the same circumstances as you'd call a queen "Ma'am" instead of "Your Majesty."

NOTE: When speaking to any other Lady, some allow the same address, some allow "Mistress" only if it is part of their name, some don't allow you to address them with that word at all if you're not their personal slave. Obviously, use the form of address to that Lady she
desires.
NOTE: While "Ma'am" is the default address to most every other Lady, as well as your Mistress, there are many women who don't like it. Use the address an individual Lady desires (E.g. "m'Lady").

A verbal resonse to a direct question or order, or a greeting, or a question to her, should include her title. Even if it's just "yes" or "no"; "Yes Mistress" or "No Mistress." If speaking to, responding to, greeting, another Lady, then it's "Yes Ma'am"/No Ma'am" (or whatever alternate honorific she wants to be addressed by, E.g. "Yes my Lady, Yes Lady X, Yes Your Highness, etc.)

Unless you are instructed not to speak unless spoken to, you need not refrain from questions or statements in the ordinary course of conversation. In ordinary social or business interactions, she expects you to be your normal interesting, charming, witty self.

Do not interrupt her when she is speaking to another, except in outright emergencies. "Catch her eye" silently.

When speaking about her to someone else who knows who you two are, refer to her by her title and name. If you know they know who you're referring to, then you can just refer to her as "Mistress"

Don't raise your voice, unless in the course of a sport or game, or hailing a taxi, or your safeword.
Don't whine. Ever!

Do not publicly disagree with her. The exception would be a group social setting where it is appropropriate to express individual opinions, philosophy, or knowledge.

Disagreement with her, public or private, must be done in respectful tone, without whining or temper.

Ask permission to leave her presence.

Ask permission to do something she hasn't yet told you to do. For example: moving to greet another Lady who hasn't yet approached, changing an article of clothing, volunteering to rub her feet or fetch refreshments.

Submissive persons don't have titles with each other, unless that's part of the requirements of the owner of one or another of them. Some slaves call each other "brother"/"sister"/"bro"/"sis"; this is mostly an on-line address but is not otherwise forbidden in real life. You can call another submissive person by a pet name if that's how they're introduced to you.

You can refer to a slave as "Mistress (Her name's) (slave's name)"

MOVEMENTS

Walk to the side of, or just behind a Lady when she's moving, to the side or just behind when she is standing still. Naturally, if a task requires you to move ahead or away from her then you carry out the task.

Open doors for her

Carry all physical items/articles/objects, save her handbag or something like that she wants to hold herself. If there are more items than you have hands, it is acceptable to politely request her to hold/carry the lightest, or ask to make multiple trips.

When a Lady approaches in public, stand up if you were sitting, bow your head very slightly while greeting. Hand-kissing is elegant, but I'm told that most American males can't do it properly so refrain unless she extends her hand in fashion such that it is obvious you will be permitted to kiss it.

You may not touch a Lady unless invited to do so. You may touch/hug other submissive persons if appropriate to the situation.

When she is seated, if kneeling or sitting at her feet is allowed, do so without obstructing her. Stand beside or behind her chair/seat unless and until she bids you to sit. Stand when she does, or if another Lady approaches unless you are actively doing something for Mistress which activity involves remaining seated. For example, if administering a foot massage to a Lady, and another approaches, you'd acknowledge the presence/approach verbally - "Good afternoon, Ma'am" - but wouldn't stop the massage to stand up.

Move swiftly, directly and proudly to carry out her orders.

Do not carry out anyone else's orders unless and until Mistress has indicated by word or gesture she wants you to do so, or if there were previous instructions that you could serve or obey someone(s) else.

*****

FIRST RULE: Men protect Women, that's called civilization
SECOND RULE: We're all serving one way or another
THIRD RULE: Don't guess, talk to each other!
FOURTH RULE: You're OK, I'm OK
FIFTH RULE: Patience is a virtue
SIXTH RULE: Honesty is the best policy
SEVENTH RULE: If no real responsibility, no real relationship
EIGHT RULE: Slavery in the lifestyle is a conscious choice
NINTH RULE: Despite our child-like glee, we're all adults here

2006-09-11T00:09:00.000-07:00

ORIGIN of RACK: RACK VS. SSC

by Gary Switch

During a discussion of SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) on the
TES-Friends list, I proposed RACK (Risk-Aware, Consensual Kink) as an
alternative. Here's my motivation:

Nothing's perfectly safe. Crossing the street isn't perfectly
safe. Remember that it's technically called "safer sex," not "safe
sex." If we want to limit BDSM to what's safe, we can't do anything
more extreme than flogging somebody with a wet noodle. Mountain
climbers don't call their sport safe, for the simple reason that it
isn't; risk is an essential part of the thrill. They handle it by
identifying and minimizing the risk through study, training,
technique, and practice. I believe this approach will work better for
us leatherfolk than claiming that what we do is safe. We want to
foster the notion that we develop expertise, that to do what we do
properly takes skill developed through a similar process of education,
training and practice.

Negotiation cannot be valid without foreknowledge of the possible
risks involved in the activity being negotiated. "Risk-aware" means
that both parties to a negotiation have studied the proposed
activities, are informed about the risks involved, and agree how they
intend to handle them. Hence "risk-aware" instead of "safe."

The "sane" part of SSC is very subjective. Who's making the call?
Person A might think fisting is insane; persons B and C might enjoy
it very much. "Sane" always reminds me of Pat Paulsen's campaign
slogan from the old Smothers Brothers show: "Vote for Paulsen; he's
not insane!" If you go around constantly reassuring folks that you're
not crazy, they'll start to wonder.

I've heard "sane" interpreted as "able to distinguish fantasy from
reality" and "not intoxicated," which are both perfectly valid, though
the latter is similar to the above -- you don't go around constantly
reassuring folks that you're not drunk, either.

"Consensual" is the crux, implying negotiation, which implies
being able to distinguish fantasy from reality, as well as dealing
responsibly with risk factors. If you don't know the risk factors, or
you don't know what will happen in reality, then you don't know what
you're consenting to. Meaningful negotiation must always take place
on the common ground of consensus reality.

The "kink" part went in to make a snappy acronym and because SSC
doesn't tell you what you should be SSC about. Safe, Sane and
Consensual trout fishing? Alluding to the rack, an archetypal torture
instrument, has been criticized, but to me it signifies our
transformation of atrocity into ecstasy, and admits that though we may
enjoy some dark fantasies, we realize them harmlessly.

RACK is admittedly more confrontational than SSC. It's defiant,
the same way the GLBT community uses "queer." RACK allows us the
freedom to have non-PC (politically correct) fantasies. Don't a lot
of us enjoy non-consensual fantasies, either from the top side or the
bottom side? We enjoy them in our literature; we may very well enjoy
them while we play. But we act them out responsibly and consensually.

Originally published in Prometheus, issue 31. Permission is granted
to reproduce and distribute this essay, as long as it's reproduced in
its entirety and is attributed to:

Gary Switch, Contributing Editor, Prometheus Magazine,
GarySwitch@aol.com

http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/BDSMinfo/rack_vs_ssc.htm

2006-09-11T00:03:00.000-07:00

AfterCare

-author unknown (please advise us if you do).

A: Attentiveness – This includes intimacy: cuddling, caressing,
hugging, kissing, massaging, and whispers. Free the bottom from
bondage. Have a change of clothing packed. Control body temperature.
Get warmth by: blankets, clothing, socks, slippers. Cool down by:
drinking water, slowing your pace, move to cooler location. Relax
your muscles &mind. If bottom is flying, cover eyes from bright
lights. Negotiate beforehand what you will need.

F: Fortify – Your body's needs: hydrate by drinking water or juice,
eating food, sugar, medications, and nicotine. Clean up: use the
rest room, wash your hands &face, administer first aid to wounds
and collect your thoughts. Rest: a large amount of energy was
exerted &endorphins raging through the body. Prepare beforehand how
to give aftercare &clean up the scene. 3rd party aftercare? Know
any medical conditions for both Top and bottom.

T: Transition – A huge Power Exchange took place. Develop a way to
Empower yourself. Reclaim the power dynamics within your
relationship. Refocus your temperament. Find the balance in your
roles. Acquire your natural disposition of mind, body &spirit.
Allow different gear speeds to drive you so that you can operate
smoothly. Feeling safe and secure requires reestablishing your
former protective walls and defenses.

E: Express – Giving &showing gratitude to your partner(s) is
paramount in emphasizing the scene had meaning. Recognize your
appreciation for the hard work just displayed. A heart felt "Thank
You" goes a long way. Acknowledge the importance of your connection,
which you just shared. Affirm your care and concern, be supportive
and listen. Consider what you can do for/to one another
to `ritualize' the ending of the scene.

R: Recovery – It takes time to: sober up, decompress, collect one's
thoughts, and recuperate in order to be independent again. Cognitive
thinking, emotional stability, and full motor functionality are all
regained with time. The feeling of abandonment is common if this
necessary recovery period is insufficient. When problems occur and
things go wrong; react quickly, decisively, and assertively. Prepare
your options for scene breakers/stoppers.

C: Communicate – Be supportive and listen to each other. Did you
exchange contact information? Call, talk, email, visit, &journal:
within hours, days, weeks, and months. Determining how much follow
up is needed depends upon the depth of your scene &the areas of the
mind that was delved into. Exchange recognition of your needs for
both partners. Tops are "psycho", not "psychic" – share your
feelings and give them feedback.

A: Analyze – Understand your feelings: hurts, pains, euphoria,
disappointments, regrets, and pleasures. Assess your immediate &
long term needs. Did you have an emotional release? What did your
tears or laughter mean? Are you experiencing delayed "crashing" –
Top/sub drop? Tops &bottoms can experience regrets and remorse for
what just happened. Do you need reassurance &validation for your
actions? Endorphin levels take time to stabilize.

R: Reflect – A critical reflection upon the scene is a natural
process and should be explored by both players. Were the
expectations, goals, and/or limits reached? Were they realistic? Was
the scene effective? What elements could be changed? What "mental"
barriers or wounds were opened and now need attention to heal? Was
the equipment used adequate? If there was an audience, were they
affected? What precautions should you take next time?

E: Explore – Future possibilities to play again with this person.
Find ideas to be researched. Determine which skills to improve.
Redefine your don't list and questions to ask. Locate areas of
uncomfortability to avoid. What is on your wish list? Don't have the
mindset of "got to play-itis". What changes do you need to make with
your negotiations? Where are you now? What have you learned? Realize
there is no `one' standard for aftercare. Make it what you need and
what works for you and your partner(s).

Clothing Optional

2006-08-21T01:53:00.000-07:00

Clothing Optional

Essays on a life of P.E.
August 1, 2005
by shadow

Being new or fresh into town, BDSM play conjours up lots of fantasy ideals about what people wear when they meet for kinky sex.

Most of those fantasy writings are pure b.s. made up by folks that have never set foot outside of their computer room, many of whom do not even believe that there IS a real BDSM subculture in the world.

Meeting people, and being out in the public scene is very exciting, full of fun and laughter and sharing. Keeping in mind that this is NOT an Anne Rice novel and that you are trying to find real relationships and not kink fantasy should be high on your list of priorities.

The kind of venue you attend, and the event, will often dictate how you should look. First and foremost however, is that you start out with a clean, shaved, well groomed YOU. Wash your hair and clean under your nails, make sure that your teeth are brushed and your breath is nice. The friends you will make are just like anyone else in the world- they remember your first impression.

Unless you are attending an actual private party or dungeon, your attire should be clean, normal, vanilla casual wear for most meetings. Most munches are held in public restaurants with other patrons, and few people in the scene want to draw attention to themselves or create issues for their restaurant hosts. Dressing in clean jeans, pressed shirts, and walking shoes is always a good choice. While flamboyant, outre, devil may care dress may be your personal style, and *you* may have no reason to care who knows about you or your life, the other people at a munch or class might have a different view. Dressing to fit in rather than stand out while you make new friends will help.

Classes are another place where more restrained attire is a good idea in the beginning. Some classes are held in public dungeons, some in rented classrooms, some in private homes or even in hotels. Until you know the location and what is acceptable, lean towards the more restrained items in your wardrobe, thinking more of what you would wear to dinner with friends or dressing for a casual job interview. Cut offs, torn pants, trendy shredded things might be great with the gang, but are probably not the best choice for a first visit to a new venue.

Some classes, such as those about protocols, ethics, or legal rights, tend to be populated by more people that have more clothing. Hands on classes such as rope knots, flogging, or group demos tend to be a bit more casual, especially if advertised as workshops in private locations where the class members can shed some clothes to facilitate learning (fisting class would be a great example).

So. You think that now you have mingled a bit, met a few folks, and had a meal or 2 and it's time to head down to that public dungeon.

Now what do you wear?

Well, unless you have already spoken to a lot of people and feel really confident, try the classics. Black shirt and black pants with black shoes for males, simple nice evening wear for women. You are probably not planning on a play date that first time, and so dressing comfortably but with some care and that aura that says "tonight is special" sends out great vibes and makes it easy for others to strike up a conversation. Sandals, cut offs and T shirts should be left at home- you want to dress to impress. Use lightly scented personal hygiene items sparingly- you will be indoors and possibly in a location where there is little fresh air.

No one expects new members to show up in fetish wear, low cut blouses, lacy sleeves and a fedora sporting a shoulder full of floggers and a rash attitude. No one expects a new person (or anyone else for that matter) to come dressed in *any* particular fashion or with any intent. Those that put pressure on new folks to "get naked" at a dungeon right away are NOT the norm.

Dress sexy. Dress nice. Dress respectfully as if you were visiting old friends rather than a place where you might see nudity and sex. Keep jangly jewelry and noisy accessories to a minimum. Give yourself a chance to enjoy the night without adding to your worries with clothing that does not reflect "you".

Men have it easy in the scene. Black on Black on Black with a touch of black sox and they are fairly well *done*. But for us ladies, fetish wear and is often part of our play. It makes us feel vibrant and slim, sleek and pretty, helps us step out of "ourselves" and become that woman we want to be. Fetish wear however, does not come cheap. The average corset can easily cost $200.00, and some of the better leather ones run to $500.00. Nylons get torn, shoes need to match the nights outfit (and those heels!), and we like to have different outfits for different days and moods. You do not, however, have to spend an arm and a leg to be dressed to play.
Lots of ladies are on a budget. Shopping for fun things can run the gammut from sales at Mervyns to discount Wednesday at Good Will (which is a GREAT place to shop for tear away/knife play clothing!). Sexy night gowns are marvelous to wear before play, and if you have any flair for style simple bolts of yardage can be turned into fantasy gowns. Yes, there are lots of lovely and exspensive things to buy, from Ren Fair costumes to push up bras, but you don't have to spend a fortune.

Don't forget, once you get to playtime at a party, clothing is optional!

The Kinky Dictionary

2006-08-20T00:26:00.000-07:00

We wish to thank Franklin Veaux at Kinky Dictionary for this great listing.

Note: These pages are copyright by Franklin Veaux. You may reproduce the contents of these pages, provided you do so intact and unedited, and you provide credit and a return link.

This glossary is intended as a guide to many of the terms you might hear in the BDSM community. Note that you should not assume everyone who is involved with BDSM is into everything listed here; many of the specific practices described in the Glossary are quite rare.
It's sometimes common for people who are involved in one particular type of play--bondage, for example, or perhaps spanking--to believe that what they do isn't BDSM, on the mistaken idea that being involved in BDSM means being into everything from pain play to extreme sadomasochism. In fact, nobody is into everything, and even in the BDSM community, not everyone has the same tastes, the same limits, or the same ideas.

If you see something described in here which you personally find disturbing or offputting, that's fine; it doesn't mean that you aren't or can't be interested in BDSM. Hell, there are plenty of things I find disturbing, and there's nothing wrong with that!

The definitions given here reflect the usage I am most familiar with. Some terms contain commentary; anything following the word Commentary indicates my own experiences, interpretations, or views on a particular subject, and should not be assumed to be part of the formal definition of the word.

Links in the definitions will take you to other definitions on this page unless the links are in [[brackets]], in which case they will take you off this page. (Links have been disabled for this repost) Comments or additions? Hit me! (use the Link embedded in the title).

ABRASION: Any form of sensation play involving stroking or brushing the skin with rough, textured objects such as sandpaper, emery boards, and the like.

ABSOLUTE POWER EXCHANGE (APE): See total power exchange. Usage: Less common than TPE.

AFTERCARE: A period of time after intense BDSM activity in which the dominant partner cares for the submissive partner. Commentary: Some BDSM activities are physically challenging, psychologically intense, or both. After engaging in such activities, the submissive partner may need a safe psychological space to unwind and recover. Aftercare is the process of providing this safe space.

AGE PLAY: A form of role play in which a participant assumes the role of someone of a different age. Typically, the submissive partner will assume the role of a very young (and hence powerless) child.

ALGOPHILIA; also, ALGOLAGNIA: Psychology Sexual arousal from receiving pain. See also masochist; See related pain play, sadomasochism, sadist.

ALPHA SUB: Colloquial In a relationship in which one dominant has more than one submissive, the submissive accorded the greatest power or respect among all the submissives. See related polyamory: [[polyamory]]; polyamory: [[primary/secondary]]. Commentary Not all relationships which have more than one submissive include a hierarchy among the submissives; that is, not all such relationships have an alpha sub.

ANIMALISM: Any form of role play in which a participant assumes the role of an animal to be trained, such as a horse or dog. See related pony play, puppy play.

ANKLE CUFFS: Any cuffs (Def. 1) specifically designed to be affixed to a person's ankles. Ankle cuffs are often made of leather, but may also be made of cloth, rope, metal, or even wood.

ARMBINDER: A restraint device consisting of a long sleeve into which both arms are placed, often fitted with laces or straps to hold the arms securely together. An armbinder may also include an integrated collar to prevent the wearer from withdrawing the arms. Also referred to as a single-glove.

ASPHYXIA: see breath control; see related auto-erotic asphyxia.

ASYMMETRIC BONDAGE: Any bondage technique in which a person is bound in an asymmetric pose; for example, with one leg extended and one leg bent. Many forms of shibari include asymmetric bondage.

AUCTION: See slave auction.

AUTO-EROTIC ASPHYXIA, also AUTO-EROTIC ASPHYXIATION: A specific form of breath control in which a person who is by himself or herself constricts his or her own breathing, often with a rope or similar implement, while masturbating. Commentary: Often considered among the most dangerous forms of edge play (Def. 1). According to some estimates, between five hundred and a thousand people a year die in the United States doing this. It is almost impossible to do safely.

BALL GAG: A gag consisting of a ball, usually made of rubber, which is attached to a strap. The ball is placed in the mouth and the strap is placed around the head to hold it securely in place.

BALL HOOD: A specific type of hood, often without openings for the eyes or ears and sometimes containing integrated bladders designed to be inflated with air to press the hood tightly against the head, used as a means of rendering a person unable to hear, see, or speak.

BALL TIE: A specific form of bondage in which the person is bound in a seated position with the knees up, the head bent down over the knees, and the hands behind the back. Commentary: This posture quickly becomes fatiguing and should not be used for extended periods of time on people who are not accustomed to it.

BANDAGE SCISSORS: Specialized scissors, often used by emergency medical personnel, consisting of a pair of scissors with one sharp blade and one blunt blade with a rounded end. The blunt blade can be slid beneath bandages or anything else wrapped tightly around a limb without risk of cutting or injuring the person. Commentary: Often used in BDSM to remove a person from tight bondage or mummification very quickly in the event of an emergency. A sturdy pair of bandage scissors will make quick work of even thick rope; a person totally wrapped in rope can be freed within seconds with bandage scissors without injury.

BASTINADO: Any form of pain play involving inflicting pain on the soles of the feet, often by striking, cropping, or whipping them.

BAT: A thin, flexible instrument used for striking, consisting of a rigid but flexible shaft wrapped or braided with leather or cloth, very similar to a crop but usually slightly shorter and with a wider leather striking tip.

BDSM: A composite acronym for "B&D" (bondage & discipline); "D&S" (dominance & submission); and "S&M" (sadomasochism). Used to refer to any consensual activities or lifestyles between adults which include some or all of these things. The term "BDSM" is used in a general sense to describe any situation or practice which includes erotic power exchange, dominance and submission, pain play, bondage, sensation play, or anything related to these.

BIRCH: An implement used for striking, consisting of a bundle of light, thin wooden rods, typically made of birch. Also, verb To strike with a birch.

BIT: See mouth bit.

BLINDFOLD: Any implement designed to prevent a person from seeing by covering the eyes. Also, verb the act of using a blindfold on a person.

BLOOD PLAY: Any activity involving drawing blood. Specific types of blood play include needle play and knife play, among others. Often considered edge play (Def. 1). Commentary: This is a high-risk activity which may transmit HIV and other infectious diseases. Persons who engage in blood play should be aware of these risks and take appropriate precautions.

BODY BAG: A long, heavy bag, often shaped like a narrow sleeping bag and typically made of canvas, rubber, or latex, used to restrain a person very tightly. Sometimes includes integrated straps which wrap around the person within the bag. See related mummification.

BODY HARNESS: A harness consisting of a series of straps designed to be worn around the torso, which may optionally include a mechanism for locking the harness into place and may also include rings or other attachments for ropes, cuffs, or chastity belts.

BODY MODIFICATION: Any practice, including piercing, tattooing, branding, and the like, intended to modify, often permanently, the appearance of one's body.

BOI: Colloquial A person, usually biologically female and often boyish or "butch" in manner, appearance, or dress, who is submissive; commonly but not exclusively used in lesbian D/s relationships.

BONDAGE: Any practice involving tying or securing a person, as with ropes, cuffs, chains, or other restraints. Restraint bondage, the most common form of bondage, involves immobilizing a person, by tying or otherwise restraining him or her to an object or by binding his or her limbs together. Stimulation bondage is any form of tying in such a way that the subject is not immobilized and has freedom of motion, but the ropes or ties shift and move against the body, often in sensitive or erogenous areas; certain forms of shibari are stimulation bondage. A person in bondage is said to be bound. See also asymmetric bondage, ball tie, breast bondage, bondage tape, cock bondage, frog tie, self-bondage, suspension, mummification, punishment tie. See related bondage belt, bondage bunny, rigger, spreader bar, spreadeagle, straitjacket.

BONDAGE BELT: A belt used to restrain a person, which consists of a heavy band of leather or a similar material which can be strapped or locked about the waist and which has several attachment points to which the subject's wrists may be bound.

BONDAGE BUNNY: Colloquial A person who enjoys being tied or bound. Usage: Often implies that the person described is not necessarily submissive or masochistic, but enjoys bondage because he or she takes pleasure from being restrained.

BONDAGE TAPE: A vinyl tape material, available in many colors, which sticks only to itself but not to other materials such as skin or clothing, making it ideal for bondage.

BOTTOM: A person who receives spankings, floggings, or other forms of stimulation in situations which specifically exclude power exchange. For example, a masochist may be interested in receiving some kind of stimulation but may not be interested in giving up psychological control; whereas a submissive has given up authority and may receive some kind of stimulation on the instruction of a dominant, a bottom does not give up authority and may control exactly how, under what circumstances, and to what degree he or she receives some form of stimulation. Contrast top; see related submissive.

BOTTOM DROP: Colloquial A sudden, abrupt feeling of depression, unhappiness, or similar negative emotion in a submissive which may occasionally occur immediately after a period of BDSM activity. May include feelings of shame or guilt, especially if the submissive has traditional ideas about relationship or socially appropriate behavior; after a period of intense pain play, bottom drop may be related to the reduction of levels of endorphins in the brain as well.

BRANDING: Body modification by the use of a heated metal implement to brand a person's skin, leaving a permanent mark in the form of a scar. Occasionally done as a way for a dominant to "mark" his or her submissive.

BREAST BONDAGE: A specific form of bondage involving binding around or over the breasts. See related breast press, karada, shinju.

BREAST PRESS: A type of device, often consisting of two horizontal wooden planks with an adjustable screw or clamp mechanism between them, which can be clamped over the breasts.

BREATH CONTROL: Any practice in which a person's breathing is constricted or interrupted, as with a hand or ligature around the throat or with a covering over the face, for the purpose of increasing sexual arousal or sexual climax. Often considered an extremely dangerous form of edge play (def. 1), as it can and often does lead to permanent injury or death. Also referred to as asphyxia, erotic asphyxiation, gasping. See related auto-erotic asphyxia.

BULLWHIP: A type of singletail consisting of a woven or braided leather whip, usually longer than 4' and sometimes 6' long or more. Commentary: Requires extensive practice and great skill to use safely.

BUKKAKE: A sexual practice, originating in Japan, in which a very large number of men masturbate and ejaculate onto a person. The word originates with the Japanese term meaning "to splash water."

BUTT PLUG: A sex toy intended for anal stimulation, consisting of a flared dildo, usually quite short, with a wide base, designed to remain securely in the anus until removed.

BUTTERFLY CHAIR: A chair which contains two horizontal planks to which the legs can be secured, affixed to a pivot such that the legs of the secured person can be spread apart.

CABLE TIE; also, CABLE CUFF, PLASTICUFF, ZIP TIE: A type of cuff consisting of a thin plastic strip with a row of teeth in its surface, and a small ratchet on one end. The end of the cable tie can be placed through the ratchet to form a loop which can be pulled tight but not loosened again. Sometimes used by police in favor of handcuffs.

CANE: A thin, flexible instrument used to strike a person. Canes are typically made of rattan or a similar material, and are quite painful, often leaving marked welts. Also, verb to strike with a cane.

CARABINER: Any device used to connect two chains or ropes together, often in the form of a D-shaped metal ring with a spring-loaded lever which can open the ring. See related panic snap. Commentary: Carabiners are not usually appropriate for suspension, as they cannot easily be removed if the suspended person's full weight is bearing down on them.

CAT: Colloquial; from cat o' nine tails: A generic term for any flogger whose lashes are braided or knotted, regardless of the number of lashes. Commentary: Knotting or braiding the lashes makes the flogger considerably more painful.

CAT O' NINE TAILS: A specific type of flogger consisting of a handle, often made of wood and wrapped with cloth, with nine lashes affixed to it. The lashes are usually made of rope or of leather cords, and are braided or knotted. Generally more painful than many other types of floggers.

CATHERINE'S WHEEL: A large, upright wheel, usually made of wood, to which a person may be bound and then rotated to any position.

CATHETER: Any thin, flexible tube designed to be inserted in the urethra. See related sound.

CATHETERIZATION: The act or process of inserting a catheter, often as a part of a medical role play.

CBT: see cock and ball torture.

CHASTITY: The practice of disallowing any form of sexual release or sexual activity, sometimes imposed on a submissive by a dominant. Some forms of imposed chastity include the use of locking devices such as chastity belts to prevent direct sexual stimulation of the genitals. Also sometimes called chastity play, enforced chastity.

CHASTITY BELT: Any device intended to prohibit contact with or stimulation of the genitals. Female chastity belts often take the form of a lockable harness which passes between the legs and around the waist; male chastity belts may include a locking enclosure into which the penis is placed.

CHEMICAL PLAY: Any form of sensation play involving the use of mild irritants such as wintergreen oil, menthol, Tabasco sauce, and the like to create sensation.

CLOVER CLAMP: A specific type of nipple clamp consisting of a clamp with a lever mechanism to which a chain or cord is affixed in such a way that pulling on the chain or cord increases pressure on the clamp.

COCK AND BALL TORTURE (CBT): Any of a number of different practices involving pain play of the penis and testicles, including such practices as binding, compressing, striking, or stretching the penis or testicles. See related parachute.

COCK BONDAGE: Tying or restraining the penis.

COCK RING: A ring (often made of metal or rubber) or strap designed to be affixed around the base of an erect penis. The ring allows blood to flow into the penis but constricts the penis sufficiently to prevent blood from flowing out, preventing the penis from becoming flaccid once it is erect.

CO-DOM: 1. A person who acts in conjunction with or as an assistant to a dominant during a specific scene. 2. A person who shares a submissive with another dominant, often in the context of a [[polyamorous]] relationship. Also, verb to act in concert with another dominant.

COLLAR: An item worn around the neck, sometimes equipped with a locking device to prevent its removal, and often worn as a symbol of submission. Also, verb To put a collar on, often as part of a ceremony indicating a committed relationship between a dominant and a submissive. See also posture collar, training collar; see related collaring ceremony. Commentary: A collaring ceremony in the BDSM community has many of the same kinds of social significance as something like a marriage or a wedding; often, the process of collaring is used to indicate a committed long-term relationship, particularly in TPE relationships. A submissive who has participated in such a ceremony is often said to be "collared to" his or her dominant. A collar in this context has symbolic value not unlike that of, say, a wedding ring. Some people outside the BDSM community associate collars with animals or pets, and erroneously believe that a collar is a sign of humiliation or is used to dehumanize a submissive; however, the symbolic value of a collar within the BDSM community is completely different.

COLLARED: The condition of having engaged in a committed, long-term relationship to a dominant, often by means of a collaring ceremony of some kind.

COLLARING CEREMONY: A formal ceremony celebrating or symbolizing a commitment between a dominant and a submissive, typically during which a collar is placed around the submissive's neck. Commentary: There is no single type of collaring ceremony, and not all people in committed relationships in the BDSM community practice collaring ceremonies. A collaring ceremony is generally viewed as a serious, long-term commitment, not unlike a wedding ceremony in some ways. Such ceremonies may be public or private, and may include whatever elements the people involved find appropriate. Collaring ceremonies may or may not imply a monogamous relationship; one dominant may have more than one collared submissive, but it is extremely uncommon for one submissive to be collared to more than one dominant. A collaring ceremony may mark the formal beginning of a TPE relationship.

CONSENT: Affirmative permission, assent, or approval. In a BDSM context, "consent" is an affirmative assent to engage in a particular activity, freely given without coercion or distress. Informed consent: Consent freely given with full and prior knowledge of the conditions and potential consequences of the assent. Also, verb To give affirmative permission to engage in an activity. Commentary: Consent is one of the hallmarks of BDSM, distinguishing it from abusive activities which may appear superficially similar. Consent is based on the active, willing participation of everyone involved in a particular activity; for example, if two people are engaged in something like pain play, a key defining characteristic which differentiates this play from physical abuse is that all the people involved know exactly what they're doing, want to be there, and give specific assent to the activities in question, whereas the victim of abuse does not specifically and affirmatively assent to the abuse. Consent is valid and meaningful only if it is informed, meaning that all the participants have full knowledge of the activities to which they are consenting (including but not limited to the circumstances under which the activity will take place and the possible risks, if any, inherent in the activity); if it is uncoerced, meaning that the participants give the consent freely without threat, force, or intimidation; and if the people involved give that consent from a condition of sound mind, meaning their judgement in not impaired by drugs, disease, or any other condition which might cloud or distort their ability to make reasonable, rational decisions.

CONSENSUAL NON-CONSENT: Any situation in which one person knowingly and voluntarily gives up the ability to prevent another person from doing whatever he or she wants; as, for example, deliberately engaging in activities which the submissive may be physically prevented from resisting and does not have a safe word. Some forms of rape play are consensual non-consent. Commentary: Consensual non-consent is still consent. A person who gives consent in this way is giving affirmative assent to engage in an activity that he or she will not be able to stop in the middle; it can be thought of as consenting to an activity in such a way that the consent may not be revoked.

CONTRACT: A mutually negotiated, written agreement between a dominant and a submissive, outlining the submissive's limits, the activities the participants wish to explore, and the like. Commentary: BDSM contracts are not legally valid or enforceable, but are useful tools for defining what activities are and are not acceptable and in what contexts.

CONTRAPOLAR STIMULATION: Physiology Of or relating to any form of stimulation which produces both pleasure and pain sensations simultaneously.

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT: Any activity involving disciplining a person through physical means, as by spanking.

CORSET: An article of clothing, often made of leather and sometimes including strips of rigid "boning," which is tightly laced and designed to narrow the waist and lift the breasts, creating an "hourglass" figure. See related corsetry.

CORSET PIERCING: A form of body modification in which rings are placed through a person's skin, then laced together with a silk cord or similar tie. Corset piercings can be done on the back, or even on the labia, tying it closed. The piercings themselves may be temporary or permanent.

CORSETRY: The practice of wearing a corset, often laced extremely tightly, and sometimes constraining motion, as a form of body modification or for the purpose of control. See related lacing (Def. 1).

CO-TOP: A person who acts together with or as an assistant to a top during a specific scene. Also, verb to act in concert with another top.

CRACKER: 1. A short piece of cord on the end of a whip, which makes a loud cracking sound as the whip is snapped. 2. Archaic, colloquial One who wields a whip. Commentary: The colloquial term "cracker" when used to describe a person from the rural southern United States originates with Def. 2.

CRASH: Colloquial An abrupt feeling of depression or unhappiness immediately following the end of a BDSM activity. This feeling may be triggered by a number of different factors, including feelings of guilt (especially among people raised with traditional ideas about sex and relationships), confusion, unexpected psychological response to the activities, or even physiological processes such as a drop in the levels of endorphins. See related top drop, bottom drop.

CROP, also RIDING CROP: A thin, flexible instrument used for striking, consisting of a rigid but flexible shaft wrapped with leather or a similar material, with a handle at one end and often with a small leather loop at the other. Also, verb to strike with a crop.

CROSS-DRESSING: Sexual arousal or gratification from wearing clothing appropriate for the opposite sex.

CROSS-ORIENTATION PLAY: See orientation play.

CUCKOLD: One whose partner practices cuckoldry.

CUCKOLDRY: The practice by which a dominant takes one or more sexual partners other than his or her submissive, for the purpose of humiliating the submissive. Commentary: Cuckoldry is distinct from the practice of [[polyamory]] in the sense that it is done in a context where the submissive has no direct control over the dominant's other partners, and the primary purpose is to humiliate the submissive. Those who are aroused by cuckoldry are most often attracted to the humiliation and powerlessness aspects of it. The majority of the people who practice cuckoldry as a sexual fetish are women, who humiliate their male partners by having sex with other men.

CUFF: 1. Any restraint which has a band or band-like structure, which may be made of metal or of a flexible material such as canvas or leather, intended to be strapped or locked around an extremity such as a wrist or ankle for the purpose of securing or immobilizing it. 2. Archaic the fist. Also, verb 1. To restrain or immobilize by means of a cuff or cuffs. 2. To strike a rapid blow, as with the hand. 3. Archaic: Cuff with, to engage in a fistfight with.

CUPPING: A type of sensation play involving the use of small glass or plastic cups which are placed over the skin and then evacuated to create a vacuum, and hence suction. Some cups have an integrated valve to which a hand-operated vacuum pump can be attached; in other cases, the vacuum is created by dropping a flaming cotton ball, usually soaked in alcohol, into the cup and then placing the cup over the skin in such a way as to extinguish the flame. The vacuum is created by the contraction of the cooling air.

D/s: Dominance and submission.

DISCIPLINE: 1. Any activity in which one person trains another person to act or behave in a specified way, often by enforcing rigid codes of conduct or by inflicting punishment for failure to behave in the prescribed way. 2. Archaic Any instrument used to enforce discipline or to punish physically, such as a whip or crop.

DOMINA: A female dominant.

DOMINANT: A person who assumes a role of power or authority in a power exchange relationship. A dominant takes psychological control over or has power over another person, and may, for example, give that person orders which are to be obeyed. Contrast submissive; see related top, switch.

DOMINATE: To assume or exert control over; to take psychological power over. A person who controls another person or takes control of a scene is said to dominate that person. Dominant is a noun or an adjective; dominate is a verb. Domination, dominance: the act of wielding authority over another.

DOM: A dominant. Usage: Often indicates a male dominant; however, may be applied to a dominant of any sex.

DOMINATRIX: A dominant, usually female and often a prodomme.

DOMME: A female dominant.

DRAGON'S TAIL: An unusual type of whip consisting of a handle, often made of wood and wrapped with leather, to which a wide piece of thin leather or suede is attached. This leather or suede forms a lash which is a hollow tube tapering to a point at the striking end.

DRAGON'S TONGUE: An unusual type of whip consisting of a handle, often made of wood and wrapped with leather, and a lash made of a single wide piece of leather or suede wrapped around another, thinner suede lash. The outer lash is rolled into a tube around the inner lash, and tapers to a point at the striking end.

DREAD KOOSH FLOGGER: Colloquial A flogger made from a rope handle tied to several Koosh balls, which are children's toys consisting of a small, hard rubber ball with a very large number of long rubber "whiskers" attached. The dread koosh flogger was invented by a participant of the UseNet newsgroup alt.sex.bondage, and is generally considered the definitive standard for thud in a flogger.

DUNGEON: Any place specifically set up for BDSM activities, often equipped specifically for BDSM play, as with furniture such as racks, crosses, and the like.

DUNGEON MONITOR: In a play party, a person charged with ensuring that the participants adhere to safety rules and treat one another with respect.

EDGE PLAY: 1. Any practice which involves significant risk of injury or physical harm; as, breath control, fire play. 2. Any practice which challenges the limits or boundaries of one or more of the participants.

ELECTRICAL PLAY: Any of a variety of different practices involving the use of electrical current or electricity to stimulate a person. Some common forms of electrical play include using high-voltage, low-current devices such as violet wands or the use of controlled pulses of electricity to induce muscle contractions as with a TENS unit. Commentary: Many forms of electrical play are not safe to use above the waist, as even small amounts of electrical current across the chest may induce heart arrythmia or heart attack.

EMT SCISSORS; also, EMT SHEARS: See bandage scissors.

ENDORPHINS: Naturally-occurring opiate-like chemicals produced in the brain in response to pain, which block pain and can produce a euphoric sensation. The euphoria sometimes described by people who engage in BDSM is often attributed to endorphins.

ENEMA: The act of introducing water or other liquid into the bowel or lower intestine, often by means of a nozzle inserted into the anus and connected to a liquid-filled bag or bulb. Commentary: In a BDSM context, enemas may be given for pleasure (some people find the sensations enjoyable or arousing), as a form of humiliation play, or simply as a precursor to anal sex.

ENGLISH: Archaic caning.

EXHIBITIONIST: One who is sexually aroused by showing others his or her body or by being watched, particularly in a sexual setting or while engaged in sexual activity.

EXHIBITIONISM: The act of engaging in exhibitionistic behavior.

FEMDOM: A power exchange relationship in which the dominant is female. Often (but not always) used to refer to a relationship between a female dominant and a male submissive.

FEMINIZATION: The practice of enforcing activities or behaviors on a male submissive which are typically associated with women, as cross-dressing, requiring the submissive to sit when urinating, and the like. Often used as a form of humiliation play. Also referred to as sissification.

FERULA: See tawse. Usage: Originated in Catholic schools; uncommon among people who have not attended Catholic school.

FETISH: 1. Formally, Psychology a non-sexual object whose presence is required for sexual arousal or climax; informally, anything not generally considered sexual which arouses a person, as a foot fetish or a leather fetish. 2. Anything of or relating to BDSM in general; as a fetish convention, a fetish event. 3. Items, practices, or apparel relating to BDSM; as, fetish photography, fetish clothing.

FETTERS: see leg irons.

FIDDLE: A type of restraint consisting of a short metal rod with a locking collar, usually made of metal, affixed to one end and a pair of locking cuffs on the other. Used to bind the wrists together and prevent freedom of motion of the hands and arms.

FIGGING: The practice of placing a piece of carved ginger root into the anus or vagina. The result is a burning sensation which many people claim can intensify orgasm.

FIRE PLAY: Any of a number of practices involving the use of fire or flame in BDSM or sexual play. One form of fire play, for example, involves placing an accelerant such as alcohol on a person's body, then igniting and quickly extinguishing it. Commentary: Very dramatic, but also dangerous. Not appropriate for inexperienced people.

FISTICUFF: Archaic 1. To strike with the closed hand. Fisticuffs: Archaic 1. The fists. 2. Colloquial A fistfight. Get into fisticuffs: Engage in a fight with bare fists.

FISTING: The practice of inserting the entire hand into the vagina or (less commonly) into the anus. Commentary: Vaginal fisting is actually quite a bit easier to do than most people realize; the human body is quite accommodating. Contrary to common misconception, fisting is not done by making a fist and shoving it into the vagina; rather, the fingers are placed together and inserted slowly; as the hand is inserted, the fingers tend to curl into a loose ball. Many women experience intense orgasms from vaginal fisting.

FISTING SLING: A sling designed in such a way that the person within the sling is reclined with the legs spread apart, in a posture convenient for fisting.

FLAGELLATION: A generic term for any sort of activity involving flogging or whipping.

FLAGGING: The act of wearing a specific clothing, insignia, jewelry, or other sign as a means of expressing interest in a specific form of BDSM activities. See related hanky code.

FLOG: To strike with a flogger.

FLOGGER: An implement used to strike a person, consisting of a handle with multiple lashes attached to it. The lashes are typically made of leather, but may also be made of materials such as rope, suede, horsehair, or even Koosh balls. See also cat, cat o' nine tails, dread koosh flogger; See related thud, sting.

FLORENTINE: A flashy flogging technique involving the use of a flogger in each hand. The floggers are most often swung in a figure-8 pattern.

FORCED ORGASM: An orgasm induced in a person against that person's will or as part of resistance play, often by means of bondage combined with sexual stimulation. See related consensual non-consent.

FOUNTAIN OF VENUS: Colloquial Water sports involving urination by a woman.

FREEPLAY: BDSM activities in which there is no domination or submission. See related top, bottom, sensation play.

FROG TIE: A specific form of bondage in which the person kneels and the ankles are bound to the thighs, preventing the person from rising; the wrists are then bound to the ankles.

FUCKING MACHINE: Any device or machine which is designed to simulate the act of sex; often consisting of a dildo affixed to a reciprocating motor so as to thrust in and out of a person. Many varieties of fucking machines exist, some designed so that the subject straddles or sits on them, others designed to be used when the subject is prone or spreadeagle.

FUNNEL GAG: A gag, usually consisting of an oblong or penis-shaped rubber or plastic bit, which has a tube running through it connected to a funnel. When the gag is placed in the mouth, any liquids introduced into the tube will pass into the mouth, and the person wearing the gag has no choice but to swallow them.

GAG: Any device or object designed to be placed in the mouth, most commonly to prevent a person from speaking or making loud sounds, sometimes to hold the mouth open. Also, verb To place an object into the mouth to prevent a person from speaking. See also ball gag, ring gag, mouth gag, mouth bit, pump gag, funnel gag.

GASPING: colloquial; see breath control.

GASPER: colloquial One who participates or engages in breath control or auto-erotic asphyxia.

GATES OF HELL: A male chastity device consisting of a series of metal rings connected by a leather band which are placed around the penis.

GENITORTURE: pain play inflicted on the genitals.

GIMP MASK: Colloquial A specific form of hood, often made of heavy leather or rubber, which entirely encloses the face and head, and which often lacks openings for the eyes, mouth, or ears.

GOLDEN SHOWER: A form of water sports involving the act of urinating on a person.

GOR: A mythical planet created by science fiction writer John Norman and used as the setting for an entire series of science fiction novels. The novels describe a civilization in which women occupy an extremely submissive position in society and are often used as sex slaves. The novels describes a formalized, ritualized set of social structures centered around female submission and male superiority, which have been adopted by a subcommunity of people within the BDSM community.

GOREAN D/S: Male domination and female submission according to a formal system adapted from the fictitious society described in the Gor novels, and characterized by strong hierarchy, male superiority, and an elaborate system of protocols. Includes such elements as ritualized postures and positions which women are expected to take in the presence of men under certain circumstances. Also Gorean master, Gorean slave: one who adopts a dominant or submissive role in a manner which reflects the society described in the novels. See related kajira.

GREEK: Colloquial Of or related to anal sex.

GROPE BOX: A long, narrow, enclosed box, often made of wood, with many openings along its front and sides, into which a person may be placed and then groped or fondled by people outside the box. A person within a grope box is helpless to prevent the fondling and often cannot see the people doing the fondling.

HAIR TIE: A bondage technique in which a rope, twine, or cord is woven or braided through a person's hair, then tied in such a way as to limit mobility of the bound person's head.

HANDCUFFS: Narrow metal cuffs with a pivoting hinge and a ratcheted locking mechanism, connected to each other by a short length of chain and often used to restrain people's wrists together. Commonly used by law enforcement and security personnel. Commentary: Handcuffs are not always safe to use in BDSM scenarios, particularly if resistance play is involved, as their narrowness and hardness can cause injury to the wrist if the restrained person pulls or struggles against them.

HANDBALLING: Colloquial; see fisting. Usage: Uncommon.

HANKY CODE: A covert technique developed largely by the old leather community for advertising one's BDSM preferences and to indicate the activities in which one was interested. The code worked by using a system of colored handkerchiefs, usually worn in the back pocket, on the left side for dominants and the right side for submissives. Each class of activity had its own particular color; for example, a person who was interested in pain play might wear a black handkerchief, whereas a gray handkerchief might indicate an interest in bondage, and so on.

HARD LIMIT: A limit which is generally considered to be absolute, inflexible, and non-negotiable. Contrast soft limit.

HEDGEHOG: A device used for sensation play consisting of a short metal cylinder with numerous spikes attached to a handle in such a way that it can be rolled over the skin, producing a sensation somewhat similar to that of a wartenberg wheel.

HOBBLE SKIRT: A item of clothing consisting of a very tight skirt that ends below the knee, which prevents freedom of motion of the legs, allowing the wearer to walk slowly in a hobbling motion but not to move quickly.

HOGTIE: A bondage technique in which the bound person's ankles are tied to the wrists, usually behind the back while the bound person lies on his or her stomach.

HOOD: Any covering designed to go over the head, often partly or completely covering the face as well.

HORSE: 1. A piece of bondage furniture consisting of a plank supported by two legs on each end, similar to a sawhorse. A person may be bent or tied over the horse and flogged or spanked. 2. See wooden horse.

HOUSE BOY: A male house slave.

HOUSE GIRL: A female house slave.

HOUSE SLAVE: A submissive, who may often live with the dominant, who acts as a maid, cleaning up the dominant's house and performing other household errands, often while nude. A house slave may sometimes be punished for failure to perform satisfactorarily; with this form of D/s, sexual submission may or may not be part of the arrangement.

HUMBLER: An implement consisting of a locking metal ring which fits around the testicles, connected to two wings which go between the legs and behind the buttocks. A person wearing a humbler cannot stand straight without placing painful pressure on the testicles; the humbler forces the wearer to walk bent over or on all fours.

HUMILIATION PLAY: Sexual arousal from activities which include an element of humiliation, shame, or embarrassment for one or more of the participants. Commentary: Humiliation play is a relatively unusual taste that is often very difficult to explain to someone who doesn't understand it. While humiliation play may carry little or no risk of injury, it can be psychologically very intense, and is sometimes the psychological equivalent of edge play.

IMPALEMENT: A practice in which a person is bound, usually while standing, and penetrated anally or vaginally with a dildo attached to the end of a fixed pole or rod in such a way that the person cannot escape or remove himself or herself from the dildo. Commentary: This practice can be dangerous if not done correctly. The person must be bound in such a way that he or she cannot fall if he or she loses balance.

INFANTILISM: A type of role play in which one of the adult participants takes on the role of an infant, and may be dressed in diapers, suck on a pacifier, and so forth. See also age play.

INFLATION: A practice involving injecting saline solution into the scrotum to "inflate" the scrotal sac, sometimes to a very large extent. Commentary: A sometimes painful practice that is not safe if not done by a skilled and experienced person.

INFORMED CONSENT: See consent. Commentary: Consent is not valid if it is not informed; in order to be valid, a person who gives permission to engage in an activity must know and understand what the activity is, what the circumstances surrounding the activity are, and what the potential consequences are, including any risks involved in that activity.

INVERSION TABLE: A piece of furniture consisting of a flat table to which a person can be bound, suspended between upright supports on a pivot in such a way that the table can be rotated upright, inclined, or completely upside-down.

IRONS: See leg irons. Archaic, colloquial locked in irons, thrown in irons, clapped in irons: restrained with leg irons.

JAPANESE BONDAGE: See shibari.

JAPANESE CLOVER CLAMP: See clover clamp.

KAJIRA: In the Gor novels, a female sex slave. In Gorean D/s, a woman who identifies as a slave.

KARADA: A rope harness, originating in Japan, that is tied around the torso in a series of diamond-shaped patterns. Often used as a foundation in shibari. The karada does not restrain the subject, and can even be worn under clothing.

KENNEL PLAY: A specific form of puppy play in which the submissive is confined to a kennel or doghouse as part of the play. See related animalism.

KINBAKU: See shibari. Usage: Most technically, shibari is the act of tying, and kinbaku is artistic bondage. In general use, however, shibari and kinbaku are often used as synonyms.

KOTORI: A rope harness intended to support a person's weight from the torso and upper legs, used for suspension in shibari.

KNIFE PLAY: Any activity involving use of a knife. Sometimes done strictly for psychological effect, as with a dull knife; sometimes done for the purpose of cutting or breaking the skin. See related blood play, edge play (def. 1).

KNOUT: A specific type of whip with multiple lashes made of wire and usually knotted.

LADDER: A structure consisting of either a triangular wooden frame with wooden slats running across it or two vertical wooden planks with several horizontal cross members, to which a person can be bound.

LACING: 1. The practice of extreme corsetry; particularly, very tight corsetry done as a form of body modification. 2. A specific and unusual type of bondage done by suturing a part of the body to or around a fixed object. 3. Any functional tie used to close an article of clothing, such as boots or corsets. Commentary: In the sense of Def. 2, the practice of lacing is often considered edge play and may not be safe if done by a person who is not skilled and knowledgable.

LASH: 1. Any long, flexible implement, often made of leather or cord, used to strike a person. 2. The flexible striking part of a flogger. Also, verb To strike with a lash (def. 1).

LEATHER BAR: A drinking establishment catering to the BDSM community, often specifically to the old leather community, which may have strict dress codes for entrance.

LEATHER BUTT: Colloquial A condition where prolonged, repeated stimulation of a particular part of a person's body, most often pain play involving paddling or striking so as to leave deep bruises, makes that part of the body less sensitive. Usage: Used generically, not necessarily only to describe one's butt. Commentary: In some cases, repeated, prolonged, and very hard striking, as with a paddle or a crop, can create bruising deep enough that the area that is bruised becomes less sensitive. If this is done repeatedly over a period of time, this decrease in sensation can reportedly become permanent, resulting in leather butt. As the people I know tend to enjoy forms of play that do leave very deep bruises, and as I've never seen any cases of permanent reduction in sensation, I am of the opinion that such permanent reduction in sensation is probably rare.

LEG IRONS: A set of locking cuffs, often made of iron fastened together with rivets, with a length of chain about a foot long between them. Designed to be locked around the legs or ankles in such a way that the bound person can still walk, in a slow, shuffling gait, but cannot run. May also include additional chains designed to be affixed to a belt and to cuffs fastened about the wrists. Leg irons which attach specifically to the ankles or feet are also called fetters.

LEG STRETCHER, also LEG SPREADER: See spreader bar.

LIFESTYLE: 1. Colloquial; often "the lifestyle" Of or pertaining to involvement in BDSM, as in How long have you been in the lifestyle? 2. Of or pertaining to a TPE relationship, as in We practice lifestyle D/s.

LIMIT: A boundary, which may be set by a dominant or a submissive, which specifies a point past which any activity will not go. See soft limit, hard limit. See related edge play (def. 2).

LUNGE WHIP: A specific type of whip consisting of a handle attached to a long, flexible, rigid shaft, often made of fiberglass and typically about 65" long or so, with a single long, narrow lash. Lunge whips often telescope or disassemble for easy storage.

MANACLES: Any metal cuffs with a length of chain attached, which either connects the cuffs together (as in a pair of handcuffs) or which may be used to affix the cuffs to a wall or other restraint point.

MARTINET: A specific type of whip (def. 1) consisting of a short, rigid handle with many short leather lashes, each of which is square in cross-section.

MARTYMACHLIA: Psychology Sexual arousal from being watched during sex; exhibitionism.

MASOCHIST: One who experiences arousal, excitement, or sexual gratification from receiving pain. Contrast sadist. Commentary: Contrary to popular misconception, a masochist does not experience arousal at all forms of pain; stubbing a toe, for example, is unlikely to be arousing. The context of the pain is important.

MASTER: A dominant, usually in a TPE relationship. Usually male; the female equivalent is a mistress. Contrast slave.

MASTIGOTHYMA: Psychology Sexual arousal from being flogged.

MILITARY PLAY: A specific form of role play which involves military-style settings, uniforms, hierarchy, or protocol.

MILKING: 1. The practice of stimulating the male prostate, often with a finger or with an implement such as a dildo, or of stimulating the perineum in such a way as to produce ejaculation without orgasm. 2. The practice of inducing orgasm repeatedly in a man, often by sexually stimulating him over and over, until he is no longer able to produce ejaculate. 3. Stimulating the prostate by means of an electrode built into a dildo or similar probe, inserted into the anus and connected to an electrical stimulation device such as a TENS unit. The electrode causes involuntary contraction of the muscles around the prostate, causing ejaculation without arousal or orgasm.

MISTRESS: Female equivalent of a master.

MOUTH BIT: Any of a style of gags with a long, cylinder-shaped bit, usually made of soft rubber or latex, in place of a round ball. Mouth bits may include an integrated harness; such bits are often used in pony play.

MOUTH GAG: A dental instrument designed to hold the mouth open for long periods of time, sometimes used as a gag in BDSM play.

MUMMIFICATION: A form of bondage in which the subject is immobilized by being entirely wrapped quite tightly, as with Saran wrap, rope, fabric, or similar material.

MUNCH: An informal social gathering of people interested in BDSM, usually in a public place such as a restaurant or cafe, for the purpose of meeting other like-minded people and socializing. A munch is generally a low-pressure gathering without overt BDSM overtones. Commentary: The word "munch" was coined by the same person who gave us the word squick.

NEEDLE PLAY: Activity involving placing needles through the top layer of skin, or using needles for temporary piercings. See related blood play, edge play (def. 1).

NEWBIE: Colloquial A newcomer to BDSM; or, more generally, a newcomer to any sport, hobby, or subculture.

NEW LEATHER: Anything of or related to a specific part of the BDSM community which began taking the place of the old leather community in the late 1980s and early 1990s. The new leather community abandoned many of the rigid hierarchies and strict protocols of the old leather community, and welcomed lesbians and heterosexuals interested in BDSM. Commentary: The old leather community began to fade for a number of reasons, including the fact that many of its members were aging, the fact that both homosexuality and BDSM became much more mainstream during the late 1970s and 1980s (a trend which is continuing today), the fact that BDSM began reaching a wider and wider pool of interested people thanks to new communications media such as the Internet, and the effect of AIDS on the gay community in the late 1980s.

NIPPLE CLAMP: Any clamp or clamp-like device designed to be clamped to a subject's nipples. May include a mechanism for adjusting or limiting the amount of pressure applied to the nipple. Clothespins make good (and cheap!) nipple clamps. See related clover clamps, tweezer clamps.

NOSE HOOK: A set of rigid, blunt hooks, about an inch long, connected to a length of rope, cord, or chain. The hooks are inserted in a person's nose and the rope is tied above or behind the person, forcing the head up. Sometimes used in shibari.

NOSTRIL STRAP: See nose hook.

NULLIFICATION: Sexual arousal from the act of amputation. Commentary: very, very, very rare.

OBJECTIFICATION: Sexual arousal from any act in which one person is dehumanized or dehumanizes another. Animalism, and some forms of humiliation play and utility D/s, involve objectification.

ODALISQUE: (Literally, Turkish oda chamber, room + liq woman) Archaic A female sex slave.

OLD LEATHER: Anything of or related to the gay male BDSM community which began in the United States and Canada after WWII and was most popular primarily between the 1960s and the late 1980s; characterized by a very rigid and structured hierarchy, elaborate codes of conduct, ritualized protocol, and a strong sense of community, duty, and loyalty. Often modeled on military traditions and practices, the old leather community was almost exclusively comprised of gay men and was suspicious of "outsiders." Contrast new leather; See related hanky code.

ORGASM CONTROL; also, ORGASM DENIAL: The practice whereby one person is not permitted to reach sexual orgasm without the permission of another person, or for a set period of time, or sometimes at all, even though that person may be permitted (or required) to engage in sexual activity or sex.

ORIENTATION PLAY: Any activity in which a person is ordered or instructed to engage in sexual activity with another person whose sex is not appropriate for the first person's sexual orientation or identity, as for example instructing a straight female to engage in sexual activity with another woman.

OTK: (Acronym) see Over the knee.

OVER THE KNEE (OTK): A style of spanking in which the dominant or top is seated and turns the submissive or bottom over his or her knee so as to spank the buttocks.

OVERSEER'S WHIP: A type of singletail, usually about six feet long and having a braided lash but without a rigid handle, commonly used by slave traders and slave owners in United States history. Very similar to a bullwhip.

PADDLE: Any stiff, hard implement, often made of wood, used for striking a person, most commonly on the buttocks. Also, verb to strike with a paddle.

PAIN PLAY: Any activity in which one person inflicts pain on a consenting partner, for the pleasure of one or more of the people involved. Spanking, flogging, paddling, whipping, and so on are all forms of pain play. See related sadist, masochist.

PAIN SLUT: Colloquial A masochist who enjoys forms of pain play involving large amounts of pain.

PANIC SNAP: A specific type of carabiner designed in such a way that the mechanism can be opened to release a rope or chain even if a full weight is bearing down on it.

PANSEXUAL: 1. Of or relating to all sexual orientations, sexes, and gender identities. 2. One who engages in sexual or erotic activities with partners of all sexes and orientations. Pansexual event: an event catering to people of any sexual orientation or identity. Pansexual group: any group open to membership by any person regardless of sex, sexual orientation, or sexual identity.

PARACHUTE: A small leather cone with a hole in its center, which is often used in CBT. The parachute is wrapped around the scrotum, and weights are suspended from it, pulling on the scrotum and compressing the testicles.

PERVERTIBLE: Colloquial Any object which serves an ordinary and prosaic function, but which also has a use in BDSM activities. For example, clothespins are often used as nipple clamps; saran wrap can be used for mummification; paint stirrers are sometimes used as paddles; and so on.

PILLORY: Archaic; see stock. Also, verb, archaic: to expose to scorn or ridicule.

PLASTICUFF: See cable tie.

PLAY PARTY: 1. A social gathering in which people participate in BDSM activities, often in a space outfitted as a dungeon. Play parties may be public or private gatherings, and may or may not permit overt sexual activity. Play parties often offer the advantage of access to equipment and furniture that many people may not own. Play parties also offer the opportunity for people to engage in exhibitionism and voyeurism. 2. See polyamory: [[play party]]

PONY PLAY: An activity in which the submissive takes on the role of a pony; for example, by walking on all fours, sometimes with a bit or bridle in the mouth; by pulling carts; by allowing the dominant to ride on his or her back; and so on. See related animalism, mouth bit.

POPPER: 1. See cracker (Def. 1). 2. Colloquial A vial of amyl nitrate, butyl nitrate, cyclohexylnitrite, or any similar high-volatility organic nitrate or nitrite compound, whose vapors produce euphoria and sometimes heightened sexual sensation when inhaled.

POST: See whipping post.

POSTURE COLLAR: A specific type of high, rigid collar, often shaped to the wearer's neck, which prevents the wearer from moving his or her neck and forces the wearer to hold his or her head high.

POWER EXCHANGE: Any situation where two or more people consensually and voluntarily agree to a power relationship in which one (or more) people assume authority and one (ore more) people yield authority. This relationship may be for a predetermined time, or indefinite. Relationships based on indefinite power exchange are often referred to as TPE relationships. The defining factor of power exchange is the conscious, deliberate construction of a power dynamic in which at least one person assumes psychological control to some agreed-upon extent over at least one other person.

PRODOMME: A female dominant who earns money by dominating her clients. Commentary: Men who earn a living in a similar way seem so rare as to be virtually nonexistant.

PROSTATE MILKING: See milking (def. 1).

PROTOCOL: Any defined, enforced code of behavior which a submissive is expected to abide by. A protocol often imposes constraints and limits on the submissive's behavior, particularly in social settings; for example, a protocol may specify that a submissive is not to speak to another person without the dominant's permission, may not speak unless spoken to, and so on.

PUMP GAG: A type of gag consisting of a blunt, rounded, or penis-shaped rubber bladder which is placed in the mouth and can then be inflated with air by means of a hand pump. The gag increases in size, filling the mouth, when inflated. Commentary: Some inflatable gags can be quite dangerous, as they can enlarge until they press against the back of the throat, cutting off breating and causing suffocation. Some pump gags have breathing tubes through them to mitigate this danger. Some forms of pump gags may not legally be sold in the United States.

PUNISHMENT TIE: Any form of bondage done in such a way that the bound person's pose or the bondage itself is painful or uncomfortable, or any kind of bondage done with the intent of causing pain or discomfort to the bound person. Some forms of shibari include punishment ties. See related pain play.

PUPPY PLAY: An activity in which the submissive takes on the role of a puppy, as by barking, walking on all fours, and in some cases even sleeping in a doghouse or cage. See related animalism, kennel play.

QUEENING: A practice whereby a female dominant sits on the face of a submissive, who is often restrained, forcing the submissive to give her oral sex. Sometimes may also include breath control.

QUEENING STOOL: A low stool, typically only about six inches high, with a large round opening in the bottom, used for queening. The queening stool is placed over the face of a prone submissive, allowing a female dominant seated on the stool to receive oral sex from the submissive.

QUIRT: A type of whip with two or (occasionally) three short lashes affixed to a long, thin handle.

RACK: (Acronym) see risk aware consensual kink.

RACK: (Non-Acronym) Any type of bondage furniture consisting of a framework or platform to which a person may be bound; often derived from a Medieval implement consisting of a platform and a wheeled mechanism designed to stretch or pull the person bound to it.

RAPE PLAY, also RAPE FANTASY: A form of role play in which one person stages a mock "rape" for the purpose of gratification of all the people involved. See related consensual non-consent, resistance play. Commentary: A surprisingly common form of BDSM play, often staged so as to fulfill a woman's sexual fantasies of rape or coerced sex in a safe and controlled way.

RESISTANCE PLAY: Any mutually consensual activity in which one person struggles against another and is subdued by "force." May involve rape play; some forms of bondage include resistance as well. See related consensual non-consent.

RIGGER: Colloquial A person who specializes in tying up others, often using elaborate techniques such as shibari, primarily as an art form rather than for sexual gratification. Commentary: Talented riggers can earn a living by selling photographs of their work to magazines or Web sites which cater to bondage enthusiasts, writing books on the subject, and so on.

RIDING CROP: See crop.

RING GAG: A specific type of gag consisting of a metal ring, often padded with leather, which has a strap attached to it. The ring is placed in the mouth in such a way as to hold the mouth open, and the strap secures it in place.

RISK AWARE CONSENSUAL KINK (RACK): A loosely defined code of conduct in the BDSM community which holds that a given activity is ethically acceptable between adults so long as everyone involved is aware of the risks involved, if any, and gives informed consent to that activity. The idea behind "risk aware consensual kink" is an acknowledgement of the fact that some BDSM activities may involve risk of injury, and that as long as all the participants are aware of any risk and consent to the activity, the activity is okay. See related SSC, edge play (def. 1).

ROD: Archaic; see cane.

ROLE PLAY: Any activity in which the people involved assume roles or identities different from their own and act out a scenario. For example, one extremely common form of role-play has one of the participants assume the role of a teacher or other authority figure, and the other assume the role of a student or other character in a position of less authority, and the people act out a scenario in which the character in the position of authority somehow takes advantage of that authority, often in a sexual way.

ROPE DRESS: See karada.

S&M: See sadomasochism.

SADIST: One who is aroused, excited, or receives sexual gratification from inflicting pain on another. Contrast masochist. Commentary: A sadist does not necessarily take pleasure in inflicting pain indiscriminately; for most sadists, the pleasure relies on knowing that the subject is also enjoying the experience.

SADOMASOCHISM: Any activity or practice involving the inflicting or receiving of pain; pain play.

SAFE CALL: A practice sometimes used as a safety measure when meeting a new partner for the first time. The safe call is a prearranged telephone call made to a trusted friend at a specific time to let that friend know that everything is okay; may involve the use of special code words to indicate whether or not the person making the safe call is in danger or distress.

SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL (SSC): A code of conduct which holds that any activity between adults is acceptable as long as it is safe, sane, and consensual. Often held up as a test to whether or not a particular activity is ethical. See related RACK. Commentary: Many people see a flaw in the idea of "safe, sane, and consensual" because whether or not an activity is "safe" and "sane" is subjective, and because people may choose to engage in activities which might not always be "safe," as in some forms of edge play (def. 1). (This is true even outside the BDSM community; consider skydiving, for example). Because of this, SSC has given way to the code of conduct called "RACK" (risk-aware consensual kink) in some places.

SAFEWORD: A predefined "code word" which a submissive can use to stop an ongoing activity if it becomes too much. Commentary: Safewords are often used in situations such as resistance play, where the submissive may be expected to struggle or resist and where the word "no" might not actually mean no. In such cases, for safety's sake it's often helpful to have some word that does mean "no," and is a word unlikely to come up otherwise.

SCARFING: Colloquial Breath control by means of using a scarf or scarf-like object as a ligature around the neck. Usage: A relatively uncommon term; appears to have originated in the United States.

SCARIFICATION: A form of body modification involving cutting the skin, often in intricate or elaborate patterns, in such a way that the healing process leaves behind a permanent scar.

SCAT; also SCAT PLAY: Any activity involving feces. Commentary: Very likely to elicit a squick reaction from most people.

SCENE: 1. A specific period of BDSM activity; as in, We had a scene lasting about two hours last night. 2. Colloquial The BDSM community as a whole. 3. In the scene: participating in the organized BDSM community.

SCOLD'S BRIDLE: A lockable metal cage which encloses the head, with an integrated metal protrusion which goes into the wearer's mouth, preventing speech. Commentary: A rare piece of BDSM equipment modelled after a similar device used in Medieval times to punish gossipy or "troublesome" women.

SCOURGE: A specific type of flogger which usually has two or three long, heavy lashes attached to a rigid handle.

SELF-BONDAGE: The act or practice of tying one's self up or otherwise restraining one's self, sometimes as a part of masturbation. Often includes some mechanism by which the person may be freed after a set amount of time, which may include a timer mechanism to release a key or otherwise release the person.

SENSATION PLAY: Any BDSM activity involving creating unusual sensations on a person, who may be blindfolded, as with ice cubes, soft fur or cloth, coarse materials, and the like. Sensation play is much more mild than pain play and may or may not include an element of power exchange.

SERPENT'S TONGUE: Colloquial; see tawse.

SERVICE D/S: A specific type of D/s centered around the submissive serving the dominant in practical ways, as by bringing the dominant food or drink and so on. For people involved in service D/s, sexual submission may or may not be a part of the relationship. Commentary: For a submissive whose focus is service D/s, everyday acts that many people might take for granted become a powerful symbol of submission. Even something as simple as bringing the dominant a drink can be a token of the submissive's submission.

SESSION: See scene (Def. 1). Usage: Most often used to indicate a scene with a prodomme.

SHIBARI: A type of bondage originating in Japan and characterized by extremely elaborate and intricate patterns of rope, often used both to restrain the subject and to stimulate the subject by binding or compressing the breasts and/or genitals. Shibari is an art form; the aesthetics of the bound person and the bondage itself are considered very important. Also sometimes called kinbaku. See related karada, shinju, kotori, sukuranbo. Usage: Most technically, shibari is the act of tying, and kinbaku is artistic bondage. In general use, however, shibari and kinbaku are often used as synonyms.

SHINJU: A type of rope harness, originating in Japan, which goes around and over the breasts. A shinju does not restrict motion, and can be worn under clothing; as the subject moves, the ropes shift against the breasts, providing constant stimulation. Often used in shibari.

SIGNAL WHIP: A type of small singletail, usually three to four feet in length.

SINGLE-GLOVE: See armbinder.

SINGLETAIL: Any of a class of whips having a single lash; most commonly applied to bullwhips and similar implements. Commentary: Most varieties of singletail whips can inflict great injury and can be dangerous in the hands of an inexperienced user. Singletail whips require skill and training to use properly, and are not easy to master. Use of a singletail is sometimes considered edge play (def. 1).

SISSIFICATION: see feminization.

SLAVE: A submissive, usually in a TPE relationship. Contrast master. Commentary: People who self-identify as "master" or "slave" often see dominance or submission as a cornerstone of their identity, an essential part of who they are as people; this self-identify may affect and inform almost every aspect of their lives.

SLAVE AUCTION: An event sometimes held at play parties, conventions catering to BDSM participants, and the like, in which submissives are auctioned off for the use by the highest bidder in some context or for a set period of time. Slave auctions are sometimes held at BDSM-related events to raise money for charity.

SLAPHAPPY: See slapper. Usage: Becoming archaic.

SLAPPER: An implement used for striking a person, consisting of two thick leather paddles bound together at the handle, such that when the person is struck the two paddles hit one another, creating a loud sound.

SLING: Ain item of furniture, usually made of leather, canvas, or nylon webbing, suspended by chains or cables from the ceiling. A person may sit in the sling and arranged for easy availability to such activities as sexual intercourse, fisting, and the like. Slings may include additional mechanisms to restrain the person within the sling or to keep the legs spread apart. See also fisting sling.

SMOTHERBOX: A lockable box, often padded with leather, designed to be locked over the head of a submissive and used for queening. The smotherbox contains a large opening which exposes the submissive's face, allowing the dominant to straddle or sit on the box. May include a mechanism for affixing the box to the floor or to an item of furniture such as a bed or bench, so that the submissive can not move.

SNAKE: A type of flexible singletail which lacks a rigid handle.

SOFT LIMIT: A limit which is not necessarily be set in stone, but which may be flexible or may change over time. Contrast hard limit. See related edge play (def. 2). Commentary: One of the most powerful aspects of BDSM is that it offers a way for people to challenge their soft limits, testing themselves against their own boundaries in a safe and controlled way.

SOUND: A thin, solid metal rod designed to be inserted in the urethra, often as a part of a medical role play.

SPANK: To strike on the buttocks, either with an open hand or with a paddle.

SPANKING BENCH: A low bench, often padded and often equipped with restraints or tie-down points, over which a person can be bent or tied and spanked or flogged.

SPECULUM: A medical instrument commonly consisting of two or occasionally three probes designed to be inserted into the vagina or (less commonly) the anus, together with a mechanism intended to spread the probes apart, opening the vagina or anus. Sometimes used in medical role play scenarios.

SPREADEAGLE: A posture in which a person is bound or restrained with the legs spread apart and the arms spread wide with the hands over the person's head.

SPREADER BAR: An implement consisting of a rigid bar or rod, often with attachment points for restraints built into it at each end, designed to be attached to a person's feet or ankles so as to hold the person's legs spread apart. May be adjustable in length.

SQUICK: Colloquial A feeling of disgust, repulsion, or similar negative emotional reaction to the idea of an activity which does not appeal to someone. Also, verb to feel disgust or revulsion at an idea; Water sports make Lisa squick. Commentary: The word "squick" has an interesting history. It was coined by a regular user of the old UseNet newsgroup alt.sex.bondage to describe a sudden and unexpected revulsion experienced by her partner when a group of very young kittens tried to nurse on him. It was originally intended to mean a strong negative response to something that was both surprising and unexpected. Since then, it has commonly been used to describe an emotional reaction of disgust in general, in spite of the original intent.

SSC: See safe, sane, and consensual.

ST. ANDREW'S CROSS: A popular type of bondage furniture consisting of an X-shaped cross, commonly made of wood, to which a person can be bound and flogged, whipped, and so on.

STING: A sensation of quick, sharp pain. Usage: The feeling caused by being struck by a flogger is usually described in terms of thud or sting. Commentary: All other things being equal, a flogger with a large number of lashes (Def. 2) produces a sensation with less sting and more thud than a similar flogger with fewer lashes; a flogger with narrow lashes produces a sensation that is more sting and less thud than a similar flogger with wide lashes; a flogger with soft lashes (as with a flogger made with lashes of suede or deerskin) produces more thud and less sting than a similar flogger made with stiff lashes; and a flogger with braided or knotted lashes produces more sting than a similar flogger whose lashes are not braided or knotted.

STOCK: A device used for bondage consisting of a vertical wooden post or a wooden frame atop which is set two heavy wood planks which close around a person's neck and wrists.

STOCK WHIP: See signal whip.

STRAITJACKET: A heavy jacket, often made of canvas, whose sleeves end in long straps, which are wrapped around the jacket and buckled in place. A person confined in a straitjacket has very little freedom of motion; freeing one's self from a straitjacket is virtually impossible.

STRAP: An implement used for striking a person, consisting of a long, flat piece of heavy leather. Also, verb to strike with a strap.

STRAP-IN: A dildo designed to penetrate a person either vaginally or anally and then be held in place by a strap or harness, sometimes equipped with a lock to prevent it from being removed.

STRAP-ON: A dildo attached to straps, a harness, or some other mechanism designed to be worn around the waist.

SUB FRENZY: Colloquial A very strong, sometimes overwhelming, desire to find a dominant partner or to become immersed in BDSM-related activities, sometimes seen in people who identify strongly as submissive, particularly peope who have either just newly discovered their submissive side or who have not partaken in BDSM-related activities for a long time. People in the grip of sub frenzy may sometimes make unwise or unsafe choices.

SUBMISSIVE: One who assumes a role of submission in a power exchange relationship. A submissive is a person who seeks a position of or occupies a role of intentional, consensual powerlessness, allowing another person to take control over him or her. Contrast dominant; see related bottom, switch.

SUBSPACE: A specific state of mind that a submissive may enter, particularly after intense activities and/or (depending on the person) intense pain play, characterized by euphoria, bliss, a strong feeling of well-being, or even a state similar to intoxication. Thought to be related to the release of endorphins in the brain. The euphoria associated with subspace may last for hours or sometimes even days after the activity ceases.

SUBMIT: To give up power or control. A person who gives up power or psychological control to another is said to submit to that person. Submission: the act of giving up control.

SUKURANBO: In shibari, a type of rope harness which wraps around the buttocks and upper thighs and passes between the legs and over the genitals. A sukuranbo does not restrict motion, and may even be worn under clothing; as the wearer walks or moves, the ropes slide over the genitals, stimulating them.

SUSPENSION: Any form of bondage in which the person bound is suspended partially or completely off the floor, often by ropes affixed to an overhead point (as with a kotori in shibari), or by means of a rigid bar with attached suspension cuffs.

SUSPENSION BAR: A short bar, often made of metal and which may be straight or slightly curved, with a mounting point in the center and additional mounting points designed for rope, chain, or suspension cuffs on each end. A person is bound to the suspension bar, which is hung from an overhead point by means of a cable or chain connected to its centeral mounting point. May often be used in conjunction with a lift, winch, or pulley system such that a person may be bound to the suspension bar and the bar may then be raised or lowered.

SUSPENSION CUFFS: Any restraints designed to encircle the wrists, ankles, hands, or feet and designed in such a way as to distribute the wearer's weight so that the wearer may be partially or completely suspended from the cuffs. Some suspension cuffs contain an integrated panic snap.

SUSPENSION FRAME: Any frame, rack, or similar structure designed for the purpose of suspension. Common configurations of suspension frames include an open "box" with mounting points along its upper edges, in which a person can be suspended so that the person hangs horizontally within the box; a rectangular upright frame, from which a person may be suspended with rope or suspension cuffs; and a long wood or metal pole, supported by two legs on each end, from which a person may be suspended by ropes.

SUSPENSION RACK: See suspension frame.

SUTURING; also, SUTURE PLAY: The practice of temporarily suturing or sewing parts of the body, particularly the genitals, for sexual gratification. Forms of suturing include sewing the labia closed and sewing the foreskin of the flaccid penis to the scrotum See related needle play, lacing (Def. 2). Commentary: An unusual practice that may not safe unless done by a skilled and knowledgable person.

SWITCH: 1. One who can change roles, being either dominant or submissive (or, less frequently, sadistic or masochistic) at different times or with different partners. 2. A thin, flexible rod, often made from a green branch of a tree such as a willow tree, used for striking people; similar to a cane. 3. See polyamory: [[switch]]. Also, verb 1. To change roles, as from a dominant role to a submissive role. 2. (infrequent) To strike with a switch (def. 2).

SWINGER: See polyamory: [[swinger]].

SYBIAN: One popular variety of commercially-available fucking machine consisting of a dildo affixed to a dome-shaped saddle which the user sits on. Commentary: The Sybian has been described by a friend of mine as "a machine that rips orgasms out of women." After my experiences watching people use these machines, I have to agree.

TAWSE: An instrument used for striking or whipping a person, consisting of a thick, heavy leather strap which splits into two or three parallel tails at the striking end.

TELEDILDONICS: Colloquial Of or relating to any form of sex toy or fucking machine designed to be operated remotely, as by radio, over a computer network, and so on.

TENS UNIT: An electrical device which applies electrical signals through pads affixed to the skin, commonly used in the medical community to relieve pain by blocking the transmission of pain impulses through the nerves. Stands for "transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation." Used in BDSM as a form of electrical play. See related violet wand. Commentary: A TENS unit can have an effect ranging from a mild tingle to a very strong sensation, depending on how it is used. It can also cause involuntary muscle contractions. Some TENS units used in BDSM play include electrodes designed to be inserted in the vagina or anus; some people find that the vaginal contractions induced by a vaginal TENS probe can cause intense, long-lasting orgasms.

THUD: A sensation of heavy, dull impact. Usage: The feeling caused by being struck by a flogger is usually described in terms of thud or sting. Commentary: All other things being equal, a flogger with a large number of lashes (Def. 2) produces a sensation with less sting and more thud than a similar flogger with fewer lashes; a flogger with narrow lashes produces a sensation that is more sting and less thud than a similar flogger with wide lashes; a flogger with soft lashes (as with a flogger made with lashes of suede or deerskin) produces more thud and less sting than a similar flogger made with stiff lashes; and a flogger with braided or knotted lashes produces more sting than a similar flogger whose lashes are not braided or knotted.

TOP: One who administers some form of stimulation, such as spankings, floggings, or some other kind of stimulation on another person but does not have psychological control or power over that person. Contrast bottom; see related dominant.

TOP DROP: Colloquial A sudden, abrupt feeling of depression, unhappiness, or similar negative emotion in a dominant which may occasionally occur immediately after a period of BDSM activity. May include feelings of guilt, especially if the dominant believes he or she has made an error, or has traditional ideas about relationship or socially appropriate behavior.

TOTAL POWER EXCHANGE (TPE): A relationship in which one person surrenders control to another person for an indefinite duration, and in which the relationship is defined by the fact that one person is always dominant and the other is always submissive. One of the more extreme forms of power exchange. Sometimes referred to as lifestyle D/s. See related master, slave.

TPE: see Total Power Exchange.

TRAINING COLLAR: A collar given to a submissive in the early stages of a BDSM relationship (particularly a TPE relationship) when the submissive and the dominant are still exploring the possibility of a committed relationship. Similar in some ways to an engagement ring in a wedding.

TRAMPLING: A practice in which one person lies prone and is stepped or walked on by another.

TRANSVESTITE: One who engages in cross-dressing.

TWEEZER CLAMPS: A type of nipple clamp consisting of long, thin, tweezer-like clamps made of flexible spring steel, with a ring which can be used to adjust their tightness. Commentary: Among the mildest of all forms of nipple clamps, typically causing little or no pain.

UGOL'S LAW: A law first stated by Harry Ugol in the UseNet newsgroup alt.sex.bondage which holds that if there's some kink you have or something turns you on, no matter how strange or bizarre it may be, you're not the only one who has that kink. Commentary: I receive a great deal of email from these pages; much of it along the lines of "I didn't realize other people had the same fantasies and ideas that I do!" The nice thing about living in a world of six billion people is that, no matter how weird or bizarre your turn-ons may be, yes, there are other people like you.

UTILITY D/S: A specific type of D/s centered around using the submissive in utilitarian capacities; for example; the submissive may kneel and act as a table for the dominant to eat from, and so on. For people involved in utility D/s, sexual submission may or may not be a part of the relationship.

VAMPIRE GLOVES: Gloves used for sensation play which have a large number of short spikes or needles protruding from the palms and/or fingers.

VANILLA: Colloquial Not interested in or involved with BDSM or activities related to BDSM; as, a vanilla person. Usage: Sometimes considered condescending or insulting.

VETO: See polyamory: [[veto]].

VIOLET WAND: A device used for electrical play consisting of a handle, which contains a high-voltage coil called a "Tesla coil," and several interchangeable electrodes, most commonly made of glass and filled with a gas which glows a brilliant purple in the presence of an electrical field. Commentary: One of the most common and safest of electrical play devices, the violet wand works by creating a strong static electrical field on the electrode. The violet wand feels nothing like you might expect, and almost everyone I know, including people who believe they would hate anything related to electricity, wants one once they've felt it.

VOYEUR: One who is excited or aroused by watching others, particularly in a sexual context or while engaged in sexual activity.

VOYEURISM: The act of engaging in voyeuristic behavior. See related polyamory: [[candaulism]].

WARTENBERG WHEEL: A small implement consisting of a short handle to which is affixed a small wheel with a number of sharp needle-like projections around its outer edge. Used by neurologists to test nerve function in the skin and by people in the BDSM community for sensation play.

WANNABE: Colloquial A disparaging term for a person, usually a self-identified dominant, who is inexperienced yet assumes knowlege or experience far exceeding his or her actual degree of expertise. Usage: An insulting term which indicates disrespect or contempt on the part of the speaker for the person so named. Commentary: Such people, because of their lack of experience, may be dangerous.

WATER SPORTS: Any of a class of activities involving urination, often urination on a person. See also golden shower. Commentary: Often elicits a squick reaction from most people, including most people in the BDSM community.

WAXING: 1. The practice of dripping hot wax onto a person, as from a paraffin candle or from molten paraffin wax prepared in a double boiler, for the purpose of sensation play or pain play. 2. The practice of removing hair from the body by spreading a thick waxy substance on the body, allowing it to cool and harden, and then ripping it off suddenly, pulling out the hair by the roots.

WHIP: An implement used for striking people, consisting of one or more lashes (often made of leather or of some stiff material wrapped or braided in leather) affixed to a handle. 2. Any of a class of knots made by wrapping one part of a rope repeatedly around itself or around another. Also, verb 1. To strike with a whip, flogger, or similar object. 2. To strike repeatedly and rapidly. 3. Uncommon: To tie using a whip knot. See also singletail, bullwhip, signal whip, quirt, lunge whip.

WHIPPING POST: A fixed upright post, often made of wood and secured at the base so as to be immobile, to which a person may be bound and whipped or flogged.

WIITWD: Colloquial An acronym meaning "what it is that we do"--a shorthand for the entire spectrum of BDSM-related activities.

WOODEN HORSE: An implement consisting of a wooden plank supported edgewise between two upright fixed posts, or of two sheets of wood coming together at a sharp angle with the edge facing up, to which a female submissive is bound with her legs off the floor. The submissive is bound in such a way she straddles plank or the point of the triangle, causing her entire body weight to rest on her clitoris. Some wooden horses include an integrated dildo which penetrates the person affixed to it. Commentary: Extremely painful. May cause nerve damage in the clitoris if not done carefully.

WOODEN PONY: An implement consisting of a wooden plank supported edgewise between two upright fixed posts, which a female submissive straddles and is bound in place. The plank is at such a height that the submissive's weight is not borne by the plank so long as she remains standing on tiptoes; as her legs tire, she will eventually have no choice but to lower herself onto the edge of the plank, which is extremely painful.

YOKE: A restraint device consisting of a metal bar or wooden plank, often about three feet long, with a locking cuff for the wrist on each end and a locking collar in the middle.

ZIE: See polyamory: [[zie]].

ZIR: See polyamory: [[zir]].

ZIP STRIP; also, ZIPPER: An arrangement of clothespins tied along a length of cord or twine, which can be placed on the body and then yanked off one by one or all at once.

ZIP TIE: See cable tie.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------