Acid Test

The "Acid Tests" guide for potential Dominants

(c)DrSpankenstein

*Introduction*

The term 'Acid Test' is an old prospecting term.. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the 'Acid Test' was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the 'fool's' variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Dom's.
Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Dom's online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after 'easy sex' and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Domme's out there.

*Step One: Do the Math*

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissive's at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Dom's outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means
that 19 out of the 20 "Doms" you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: "When in doubt, throw it out!"

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take years. That's hardly su rprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they 'vanilla' or otherwise. So don't be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don't give him 'three strikes' or 'extra chances to win.' Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

*Step Two: Know Your Enemy *

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG's (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don't bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and
submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he's not a Dom, he's not going to give you what you really need, and he will likely give you many things you don't (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissive's are simply 'easy lays.' Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn't deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives
with some casual screwing around. They target submissive's because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their 'scenes.'

HNG's are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the 'scenes' they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the 'lingo.' The are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms 'playing' with their 'subbies.' Don't waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call 'controlling personalities.' They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say.
They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justif y their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissive's find themselves 'naturally' attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so 'in command' of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a
controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about 'taking care of you' and also 'knowing what's best for you.' They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the 'mental aspect' of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be 'quite right.' While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control f reak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their 'hooks' into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack
from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! There motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case.. If you know your partner well, you're more likely to have a good time with him (because you will feel more comfortable during
that first scene). Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a 'dom' you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don't go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play 'hard to get.'

*Step 3: Know your goal! *

Take the time to figure out what you want. It's often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. SO ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do's and don'ts of meeting others and playing safely.. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep
in mind that that it's YOUR ass that's (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It's a very personal thing to you!

Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all t he time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations. It's a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the 'puzzle piece' that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don't look for a Dom that's exactly like you. You won't
find him. Don't look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn't exist.

ABOVE ALL, if you're prospective Dom seems like a generally 'nice guy' you're likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn't likely to make demands until its time to
play.

*Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests! *

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don't waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he's not going to be fun to play with.

Test #2: "You'd better call me Sir!" is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Dom's don't have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Dom's will say things like "please, call me Mike…"

Test #3: "I want you to take my collar before you play with me." This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole "cyber-collar" is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like "On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]" This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that's not even polite? There's a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn't online!

Test #5: "I don't have to answer that question!" or "It's not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that." are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! It's literally your ass that's on the line! Never forget this!

Test #6: "Its my way or the highway!" or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Dom's can have Limits too, but its your Limits that count FIRST. Don't let any would-be 'dom' tell you differently. Don't let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either.
Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it's ALWAYS LADY'S CHOICE!

Test #7: Don't bother with online collars. Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It's a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is NO. Forget it, once you've done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

Test #8: Ask your prospect if he's ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he says 'no,' run for your life! If he says, 'very rarely,' at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

Test #9: "I'm a bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]" Wouldn't it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, thinkabout this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control
person is really into D/s, he's likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

Test #10: "I'm 33 years old, and I've been a Master for 15 years." Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom's level of experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year old boys don't care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

Test #11: Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be 'very experienced.' Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. Lots of HNG's have female screen-names set up to act as 'references' for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept.. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it's considered rude to talk to a guy's ex-girlfriend. But in the BDSM Scene its the opposite, experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

Test #12: "I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them." Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a 'dom' has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST!

Test #13: "I don't need safe words." Well of course he doesn't! If he said this he's likely a snert and therefore he's never really bee n in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

Test #14: "My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them." If you hear a "dom" say this it's most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his 'slave' is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissive's in my time, but ONLY with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

*Step 5: It's not just the men you have to screen! *

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Dom's to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious! However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG's who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of "female enemy" is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only "real
BDSM." They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.
Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It's not your job to save the
world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

*In Closing*

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick "cyber only" in your profile and forget real life BDSM? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like " sex magic," but now that I know the spells, I'm an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with
knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don't forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

*(c)DrSpankenstein@AOL.com*

Things We Do For Love

Fisting…(Vaginal that is)

• Jun. 14th, 2008 at 10:21 AM

By chel

I get a lot of responses when I say to people that I love to be fisted. Of course there is the Fister, the person who does the fisting and the Fistee, the one receiving the fist. Women fistees react in a few ways when they hear the word. Some will be scared (the “eep” response that happens when one’s panties are already wet) and want to quickly change the topic. Others may state that they love it also (the “heavy sigh” response that reminisces on those times gone by). Yet others will say oh they could never do that (the “dare I want such a thing” response with mixed feelings). And then there are those who say they have tried but have never been able to be fisted (the “bad memories” response of the failed attempts to please the one who has introduced them to this activity).

Now, fisters have a variety of reactions too. Some are incredulous and say their hands are just too big and they could never do that (the “oh I can’t think about it” response for fear of getting aroused). Others are all hot and bothered by the thought of plunging their fist into a woman’s vagina for whatever internal reaction they might have (the “supreme god/dess” response that entails being all powerful). Some will admit to trying it and not being successful and others will never dare admit to their failed attempts. I think it is common that many who do not necessarily truly understand fisting will say they have never enjoyed it and don’t really add it to their battery of sexual activities.

What exactly is fisting? Well for me fisting is a type of penetration and stimulation of my vagina, my mind and my body that includes incredible sensations and a fullness that I don’t think I have ever had rivaled by anything else. Fisting for me is a slow ritual almost and a gift from the fister to the fistee of pleasure and sensations that I am allowed to immerse myself into. Fisting at times is the only thing that will fully satisfy me. To feel the orgasms build and build and to not be able to get the full release until the fist is removed from me when my dams burst and my fluids flood out of me and I am truly spent. Yes, I do orgasm during the fisting (multiple times mind you when it is well done) but there is a certain amount that my body is not allowed to do because this foreign object filling me and keeping my walls from truly pulsing to the extent needed for the final release.

Fisting for me is not about the fister even though I have fisted someone before and it is an incredible experience on that end. Fisting is about me and about the dance between me and the fister. This dance includes an energy exchange for sure. I often times wonder at anal fisting because I can see the energy exchange with an orifice that is larger than the anal sphincter and ponder what it would feel like to have the smaller opening stretched and allowing the full penetration and claiming of that part of my body as well. Fisting is a time when someone else is in full control of my body that is opening itself like a gate for the entrance of the fister’s energy and power. Maybe that is what fisters get that creates some of the difficulties in doing the act: feeling powerful, power-filled. Fisting is not fully about power or claiming ownership on another body. Fisting is about enticing and eliciting an entry into the fistee’s core being. But not to discount the fact that once patience pays off the fister certainly does get an immense power rush.

Okay enough drivel and let me get into some details on how “I” like to be fisted. I will list some tips and my experiences and see where we go from there:

1. Don’t try to ram your fist into me. It isn’t going to work – just trust me on that okay? Sure it might from time to time but why do it that way? You totally miss the dance, the ritual, the eliciting of the opening of the fistee’s body and being to you. Note: if it feels like you are pushing against a brick wall, you probably are. It typically only annoys me at that point. I don’t want to be fisted to feel pain. I want to fly when I am fisted. I want to feel spent and fulfilled. I want to have the bonding memory of the sharing that happened between me and the fister as my body sucks their hand the final little bit into my body.

Side note: This sucking of the fist into my body – OMG!!!!! It is as silly as it is amazing though. Typically at this point I can giggle like a little girl. I may start to laugh and I am sure the hand that is buried to the hilt inside of me feels those additional contractions around it and probably wears the bruises for a few days because of it. I can remember the expressions of these very special dance partners (the fisters) and how they have this rather dazed look on their face. I am never sure until that point if they have experienced it before or not no matter how much they might say they have done fisting lots of times. When it is a look of bewilderment, I typically doubt if they have done it very often. When it is a look of pure delight and no fear, I know they have been there before and they are reaping the benefits of their patience and ritual dance that we have only just begun.

2. Have patience, don’t be in such a hurry!!! There was a song that someone sang to me when I was a teenager and she just a little child. It was a new song that she had learned. It pretty much went: “Have patience, have patience, don’t be in such a hurry. When you get, impatient, you only start to worry.” Basically what this boils down to is that if you are not patient, if you do not coax the flower open slowly and thoroughly, you end up losing out and also you haven’t stopped to smell the roses along the way. Oh my, I sure am filled with clichés today. But I really think in this case the clichés tell valid points. And to change the ditty a bit: Have patience, don’t be in such a hurry. When you get impatient, the fistee will only start to worry (and trust me that negates the purpose of even trying to fuck her pussy with your fist). Just remember, have patience, enjoy the process and don’t focus on the end result. This leads us to point three.

3. Progress not perfection!!! Whenever we are engaged in a dance in this sexual realm where danger and desire mingle and pleasure and pain join, there are risks that we have to be aware of. Recently I became very aware of the risks and the consequences of fisting and what can happen when the dancers are not fully engaged in the process but more focused on the end result. I wanted the fister to accomplish his goal. He wanted to give me pleasure (I assume anyway) and he probably thought he was doing it correctly. I was not communicating with the fister fully because I didn’t want to tell him he was doing it wrong for me. I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I truly enjoy the long drawn out dance of the coaxing and probing and the patient walk towards the slurp of the fister’s fist into my receptive pussy. It was like I just wanted the whole fist inside of me for his gratification and for satisfaction of my service to him. To be totally honest, it was not the first time he had fisted me and when he started, I just wanted it to be over so I was letting him go through the motions and I was enjoying it to a degree but not like I enjoy fisting typically.

I should have communicated better and I will forever regret that choice and the damage that happened because of my lack of input in the process and his corresponding lack of knowledge. To keep with my dance analogy, I guess you could say that we were dancing different dances but thinking we were dancing together. He was leading and I was letting my body follow but my mind was not there. I realize looking back on it that I wasn’t even enjoying the progress and all I wanted was his actions to be perfection to him. I wanted him to accomplish his goal and that was where my pleasure came in. Believe it or not I started writing this before this fisting fiasco happened.

The fisting fiasco was a serious vaginal tear and an immense loss of blood. The consequence was a trip to the emergency room where I had to be sutured up. I lost a significant amount of blood. The consequence was me feeling that my body betrayed me. The consequence is me being afraid to have penetration of my parts. I will not go into the consequences for the fister because I cannot speak of his knowledge there. The injury was a result of a lot of missteps and miscommunication. I don’t blame him for what happened because there are two people involved in every dance. I also could not have asked for someone as attentive to me as he was in the emergency room. At the time I wasn’t too worried about the legal consequence if the ER professionals took what happened for abuse, but thinking back I wonder how much he was concerned about that. Luckily I knew enough about that possibility that I made extra effort to let it be known that the activity was mutual and cooperative and not a situation of a bad situation gone worse.

So I mentioned progress and not perfection as an important item in fisting. It isn’t about getting the whole fist into me. It is about the dance and the process of relaxing my walls to allow entry of the fister into my core. It is about the dance of pleasure and not pain. It is about the excitement that builds as 3 fingers go in and the fourth one slides in with the in and out movements and the sounds of the wet walls and the suction of the movements. It is about when the thumb is added to the 4 fingers and the hand is allowed further entry, deeper and deeper. It is about the slurp of the knuckles and the feeling of the fister never getting his/her hand back from the deep, dark, hot, wet hole that has swallowed it. It isn’t about the fist ramming into my cervix (mind you some girls cannot stand their cervix hit at all). It isn’t about even having a fist inside of me. It is about the moment when my body opens up and takes in the fister’s power and being. It is about the thrill of that moment and the ones that follow when my body is in the fister’s total control. It is about my voice and my body becoming an extension of the fister. It is about the mindlessness that I reach where it doesn’t matter what noises I make or what way my body moves. It doesn’t matter how much I am saturating the blankets or towels. It is about that space where 2 people blend into one amazing capsule. That space where time is lost and the fister is reaching into my very core and filling my whole body with their pleasure. Whew… got lost there for a bit in the passion of the memories. Let us move on.

4. Surprise you are in and now what do you do? Well at this point is where you get to run the show because I am typically so overwhelmed with feelings that all I am doing is feeling. You have some important things to consider at this point. To begin with you have a fistee who doesn’t care about much beyond the pleasure she is feeling in that moment in time. LUBE is important even if you think there is nothing ever as wet as what you are into now. Act as if you have stock in every lube company possible – Use LOTS!!! You can take it slow and steady; you can take it fast and furious. The reality though is that you are in a very delicate part of the fistee’s body and the fistee will be very deep into a dance with you where all she really cares about is the pleasure she feels in her body and the power she feels filling her with your actions.

I can only wonder what the fisters are going through at this point in time. I wonder if you are able to truly let go and enjoy the sensations and enjoy the enjoyment and freedom the fistee is feeling. But you cannot forget your responsibilities. The person being fisted probably has not a care in the world and more than likely is so overwhelmed with feelings that she may not know up from down. Each woman is different. The dancers must both be engaged in the process. But the fister is the one who has the view and can see whether there is trouble or not. I can remember leaving a fisting demo feeling empty and craving a fist in my cunt. Now I am wondering if I will ever let someone even try to fist me again. I can’t imagine sex without it though so that presents a quandary of sorts. I will continue to learn from my experiences and grow. And adding another cliché, time does heal all wounds. I sure hope this is the case.

Another thing is that if there is ever any blood, the fister has to take charge and make a decision on damage or not. I would say the event needs to stop. The situation needs to be assessed. But stopping is not pulling out immediately because as much damage can happen with that as when entering. Part of my experience taught me that when the fister is pulling out if the fistee is tensed up at all, the fister needs to stop and help the fistee relax. If the fister pulls out abruptly and the fistee’s walls are clamped around his/her fist a tear can happen. So even after multiple orgasms and the high of the dance, patience and body to body communication is important. At this point the fistee is probably pretty spent and needs a lot of direction. The fistee needs to be able to trust the fister in his/her knowledge and skill.

I think for myself it is important to say but maybe more so for me to hear that it is not a failure when the whole fist is not taken inside of the fistee’s body. It is not a blow to someone’s skill or ego if the fisting is done with only 3 or 4 fingers and no thumb. It is not a sign of my failure in the grand scheme of things. It is about the sensations and the feelings. It can get scary to be in the place where you are putting your body in someone else’s hands. It can be scary when your body is reacting and you are giving over the control to someone else. That probably sounds odd coming from a submissive but it is still a scary thing for me. I know now from the lessons of my past that communication is essential. If I don’t feel comfortable telling the person I am with what feels good and what does not, then I need to not be letting them do things that might be harmful to me. If I am worried about hurting someone’s ego by telling them what they are doing is doing nothing for me, then maybe I need to not consent to anything to start with.

Fisting is amazing and incredible. It is something to be cautious about but I don’t think it is necessary to fear it. It is not about force or pain but like so many things in BDSM, it is about the dance of energies and the intermingling desires. It is about that threshold space where 2 people are not separate and 2 bodies are not apart. I still have not been able to go back to fisting. I don’t know when it will happen. The fisting fiasco was a learning experience and it was a lesson for me to build on.

Fisting is dangerous. But it can be a safer, saner and consensual activity. Other than hands: lube, communication skills, gloves and patience are the necessary tools to move forward into the great divine. The only other factor is time.

Philosophy for Doms

Choices and Responsibilities
By NCMaster
There is an old saying that goes something like, “If you are going to talk the talk, you got to walk the walk.” There are many in this lifestyle that talk the talk, but how many follow through and walk the walk? Life is always about choices and responsibilities, both in the vanilla world and this lifestyle. The fun parts are always easy. The dominant and submissive alike, enjoy the power exchange during those times when it is fun. The sexual and BDSM interaction framed in the Dominant/submissive power exchange is very erotic and exhilarating. Wearing the fetish attire, attending lifestyle events, interacting with like minded people, all of these things are exciting, invigorating and just plain fun.


However, the real test of character and commitment comes more often away from the crowd. Those times when it is just you alone, or sometimes you and your partner, these are the times when commitment and choices become very real. As a dominant, do you step up and accept the responsibilities that come with being the dominant? Do you do those things that provide nourishment, support, and stability to the relationship? Does your dominance serve as a foundation that holds things together? Do the choices you make show a consistent value and judgment? Does each choice you make, reflect your commitment to the responsibilities a dominant has toward the partner? Do you manage your time and money responsibly? Do you treat those around you with respect and honor? Each individual choice, even the little choices, reflects on your position as dominant. Are you consistent in these decisions and choices and do these choices build character or erode it?

As a submissive, each individual choice you make is a choice of submission. Do you submit to your dominant fully, or just when it is fun? Do you submit to your dominant just when you agree with the things expected or is your submission complete? What is your commitment? Is your submission something you put on display when others are around or is your submission dedicated to the relationship? If you are given assignments that are designed for personal growth and stability of the relationship, do you follow through and do the assignment fully or do you pick and choose parts of the assignment? If a D/s relationship is to be both successful and true to the principles of this lifestyle, the dominant and submissive alike, must view each choice made each day as a measure of their dominance or submission. It is a measure of their commitment to the success of the relationship.


The most meaningful judgment of your personal choices and acceptance of responsibility comes from within. Each of us knows when we choose to do or not to do something whether or not it is the right choice, whether or not it is consistent with what we profess to be. The best judge of our actions quite simply is ourselves. Do you walk the walk?